Sunday, July 24, 2011

Funny chat convo (and poor planning on the part of the vicar with a potato up his ass)

Me: gah! Caught by net nanny again at work. This never happens because I'm trying to look at porn on PURPOSE, you know. It's the bait-n-switch. Okay, um... oops,  that doesn't look like the president.* (*true story, used to be a porn site.)

Friend: Suuuure. Like that priest dude who slipped while hanging curtains naked and a vegetable got stuck in his ass? I hate when that happens.

Haha! I remember that story. The veggie in question was a potato.

"I slipped" was the best he could think of???

  yeah that happened to me once. And then again a couple minutes later.

Me: Ha! I mean, what is he thinking? The ass is like a giant black hole with a huge gravitational pull, sucking in any object within a 5 foot radius? I mean, really!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I hate writing sometimes.

Self destruction is interesting in the arts.

Art, music, dance, poetry... tortured self-expression can be captivating, mesmerizing, aching, enlightening, freeing and sometimes even hilarious (enter TFLN: "It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?").

But in blogs? No. In blogs, self-destruction is face-palmingly horrifying. It's a train wreck in words.


Because you get to see the whole picture.
"I smashed a lamp over my head. There was blood everywhere. And glass. And I took a picture." Penelope Trunk writes in a post on how to bounce back.
. . .
"I had basically been broken to the ground.  I had 16 out of 17 businesses fail, I survived divorce, losing a home, depression, people dying on me, not seeing my kids for long periods of time, investments fail, and I was fired from about eight jobs simultaneously. What was the point? I was just going to write how I saw it. Screw it." James Altucher in Do You Have to be Rich to be Honest?

You shake your fist at the screen and say "WHYWHYWHY are you doing this, it's so bad for you!!"

You want to see these people happy. You wouldn't be reading their blogs if you didn't care, right?

Granted, writing about awesomeness is boring as fuck. What's the value in self-exploration if you're only going to present the side of yourself you want everyone to see? Bitches, I'm in the trenches here. I'mma fuck up and then talk about it because that's what I DO.

I'm seeing the artist today.

I just saw you roll your eyes.

You want to say, "THIS is how people have shitty lives! They make shitty decisions. They see the choices that are shitty and then do it anyway."

You will say this and then get to be right when I lament my choices later through a haze of tears.

I hate writing sometimes.

I wish I could croon these dark impulses in husky undertones instead, using poetic verses to express the unexplainable. The thing I can't articulate. The need I can't shake for a sense of peace amidst the chaos. If I could sing about this, maybe you could join me. Maybe I'd bring you to that time you were a little reckless too.

We romanticize recklessness. The cost for uncaging our insides is normally tightly hidden. But the biggest vices in society belie our wrapped exterior: food, drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, fantasy, entertainment... these speak of the desire to be moved, awakened, soothed.

I agreed to see the artist to calm the torrents inside. I want to understand what happened. I want to heal and learn how to be friends. I hope this isn't a mistake, but here I go, trying.

Friday, July 15, 2011

I signed up for what??

Last time I EVER do this.

So I'm doing a favor for a friend's friend's friend's friend to feed their cats while they go on vacation. Somehow I forgot that this included scooping turds. I know what goes in must come out but somehow I neglected to imagine this as a part of the responsibilities when I said yes.

"So here are the two litter boxes. Drag these over to the toilets so you can empty the litter there. We don't believe in scooping the waste into a bag because it will sit in landfills for 1,000 years."

I hear you on the green aspect. But wait, you're saying you heave two littlerboxes across two rooms into a tiny bathroom every day? I'm sorry about destroying the planet and all, but REALLY?

"Now one of the cats doesn't LIKE the litter box. He just goes on the floor. So just use these papertowels and floor cleaner for that."

Here's where I began hatching the escape plan. I have to clean crap off the floor? THEY clean crap off the floor? Who puts up with this? Hello? When the ratio of ass care outweighs the endorphin release, it's time to either retrain, hire a cat whisperer, figure out why this is happening or find a new home.

"And here, give them four of these treats and 8 of these other ones every day."

They measure their treats?? Twelve a day PLUS the heaping bowls of food? No wonder both cats are fat as fuck.

"And the water! There's a bowl on every floor and several rooms of our very large and complicated house. Please clean and refill every visit."

Why do you want to hate your life? Just have ONE waterbowl. Put it near a sink and stop torturing yourself by making everything so difficult.

"Oh! And we will fill the tub with food, just in case there's an emergency. This upstairs one here. Our last petsitter thought we didn't trust her but it wasn't that, we just like to play it safe. Oh we're SO glad you understand."

Wha-? Were you saying something? Look, I checked out 20 minutes ago. I'm just nodding to get you to hurry the *&^% up so I can get home and write about this. Do what you want but don't expect me to deal with your subsequent insect (and rodent, if the cats are too fat to hunt) infestation.

"Oh, and can you play with them?"

That's about the only thing I was hoping to do, actually. At least until one of them just gave me cat scratch fever.

"Please text us every day. Let us know how they are doing!"

Oh god. I am going to hang myself now. You just spent 49 minutes telling me how to take care of your cats while you're away for 6 days. If it takes that long to detail their care plan, you're doing TOO MUCH! They're cats. Feed, water, play. Enough!!

So, anyone want a catsitting job? No pay. The joy of scooping feces is payment enough!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Fucking high road.

The amount of energy required to forgive a difficult grudge is approximately 3 miniature kit kat bars.

And Facebook should have a "FINE. FUCKING ACCEPT" button for friendship requests.

The artist and I reconnected online.
"Taking the high road is usually not the easy one to take or the most popular. The low road seems to offer instant satisfaction. It may seem better for the moment, but if you compromise you principles and your integrity, it will always end up costing you far more in the long run."
- Billy Cox
 ::rolls eyes:: I don't like holding grudges. But I am wiser, so, okay.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

"Sorry for being a dick. Bondage club?"

The artist has invited me to a bondage club as a way of making nice. Awesome.

Seriously, we had the first normal conversation in weeks yesterday. I think because he'd gone on a date and felt less panicked about being alone.

Me: "WTF was that all about? Why were you such a dick?" (I didn't say it like that, more like the politically-correct "I was confused at why you handled your hurt so inappropriately.")

Him: "Well, that's what girls have always done to me."

Me: "Done what??"

Him: "Write on their Facebook page, insult me, badmouth me, etc."

Me: "I don't DO stuff like that."

Him: "I didn't know that."

Me: "Have you noticed that I never said anything bad about my exes?? Only that I was hurt that it didn't work out? I didn't assassinate their character, share details about the breakup, reveal private information or compromise their trust. Didn't you notice that?!?"

Him: "I'm sorry I was an ass. Friends?"

Me: "There is a huge amount of repair that would have to go into even being a FRIEND."

Him: "I didn't realize you would take everything I said so literally. I can get a little hotheaded but it's just venting."

Me (throwing hands up): "I didn't even *recognize* you. That was the worst part. It was so contrary to everything I'd come to know about you."

So, we talked. I'm still confused by the whole experience.

Aqua-eyed boy wrote "I reckon you understand now why I'm so cautious." It takes time for trust to grow.

One friend advised me "Look, asplenia, you need to get out there. You don't have that much experience dating and so now's the time to get it." I wrote back, repulsed, "I just can't DO that. I get attached and stuff."

Right after the breakup, one acqaintance offered to send me pix of his genitals. We handn't even ever held hands, let alone considered SexyTime (TM). I wrote back, "Listen, Captain Cock, shouldn't we at least know eachother first??" (this  killed the conversation, which made me gleeful). (Maybe guys don't like being called Captain Cock but then stop whipping it out uninvited.)

Anyway, if you are enjoying dating, please share. I need to live vicariously through others while I center myself, however long that takes.  

- Posted from my phone

Saturday, July 2, 2011

JDate "personality test" results for "Blue"

Back when I was on JDate, I took their personality test and it scored me as a "Blue." This post will be completely uninteresting to you unless you, too, are a blue (and are also no longer able to access your profile). (I'd say this is pretty on-target for me but I don't know if every "blue" would feel they were accurately pegged.) Cutting and pasting here:

Photo by Bahman Farzad - click to see original on Flickr

JDate color test: BLUE

Congratulations, you are a BLUE personality. The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "intimacy." It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection – the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.

BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your spouse. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.

BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner, as well as remembering special life events (e.g., birthdays and anniversaries).


The selfless nature of Blues enables them to make their significant other feel consummately important. They always put their partner first with thoughtful consideration that the rest of us can only envy.

Blues have both the ability and desire to open up their heart and give all that they have. The companion of a Blue can feel secure knowing a Blue will hold nothing back. They don't make commitments lightly and you can be sure they will follow through.
  • You are a first-class act.
  • You think of others before yourself.
  • You give your whole heart and express your emotions honestly.
  • You are always dependable.


Blues have very high standards that can easily lead to unrealistic expectations. Dating them can be a challenge because it is hard to live up to their exacting standards. Blues also tend to be overly guilt-prone and worry about a wide expanse of potential problems. It can cause them to be too serious minded and unable to relax. One other struggle Blues face is forgiving others. Since they feel so deeply, when they are wronged or betrayed, they can remember the offense for a lifetime.
  • You tend to think you are on a mission to save the world.
  • You think whining is a good thing and forgiveness is not.
  • Your mysterious mood swings drive the rest of us crazy.
  • You can be overly sensitive.

Your Needs:

You Need Others to Understand You

As a BLUE, driven by intimacy, you seek deep, personal connections with others. That doesn't just mean that you want to understand everything about them. You wouldn't feel that your relationship was complete unless they understood you completely either. You should look for others who can move beyond superficial conversation and are willing to understand every bit about what makes you you.

You Need to Feel Appreciated By Others

You love to give openly and always go the extra mile to please others. All you desire in return is that they appreciate the effort that you make to do what you do. You will be happiest in finding someone who is comfortable and open in expressing that appreciation and who doesn't take your 110% effort for granted.

You Need to Be Good Morally

You have a personal code of ethics that you believe in and a very real sense of right and wrong that you take very seriously. In fact, BLUES have the strongest sense of integrity of all of the Colors (for example, you would rather lose when playing a game than cheat). You need people who support you in your beliefs, and ideally, would like others to follow the same guidelines and have the same commitment to integrity that you do.

You Need General Acceptance

As a BLUE, you really do care about other people and what they think of you. The BLUE personality is the only of the four Colors that is dependent on others to fulfill their Core Motive of intimacy, which requires human interaction. Therefore, other people's opinions (and especially those of your circle of friends and family) really do mean something to you, so you want to feel comfortable and accepted by them.

Your Wants:

You Want Security

You like stability and security in your relationships and in life in general. You want others who communicate in word and deed so that you always feel on stable ground in those relationships. You also want someone who will establish a solid (and safe) relationship with you and not force you to take high stakes risks, although, I would recommend that you be open-minded in this area, because some risks will really do wonders to enhance the quality of your life.

You Want Autonomy

It almost seems paradoxical, because while you do seek meaningful relationships in your life, and enjoy the company of others, you also enjoy your independence to do what you like to do. This is true for most BLUES because you spend so much time caring for others, connecting with them, and worrying about making things perfect, that you like to have your free time not to have to worry about those things.

You Want Quality in All Aspects of Your Life

Your high standards of quality are important to you. You don't like things that are tacky, ill-planned, or impersonal. You like things that are done right and done well. It is important that you find people who support this instinct of yours and can appreciate the way that it enhances both of your lives.

You Want To Reveal Insecurities

In your effort to connect with your partner and others, you will often feel the desire to reveal yourself and your insecurities and inadequacies. To you, being vulnerable is a small price to pay for the chance to connect emotionally. You also do this in hopes that others will be as equally open and revealing. Remember, you are driven by intimacy, so look for someone who can share with you on a deep level.

BLUES are:

  • Analytical
  • Committed
  • Compassionate
  • Dedicated
  • Deliberate
  • Dependable
  • Emotional
  • Loyal
  • Nurturing
  • Quality-seeking
  • Respectful
  • Sincere
  • Thoughtful
  • Well-mannered

Friday, July 1, 2011

"On a typical Friday night I am... sitting in my doublewide."

Check this out. Whaddaya think, he's the one? This was an actual profile on Okstoopid a while back. Last September I saved it in my "funny haha" folder and today I'm cleaning electronic house and thought "this would be great for my blog!"


Hi, I'm Bubba, I'm 4'10" and 465lbs. I'm grossly unattractive, eternally unemployed, unquestionably impotent, repulsively pathetic, arrogantly narcoleptic, trailer park living, hygienically disregarding, genital scratching, incontinent wearing, patholigical liar with a nasty attitude, bad breath, fashionably hairy back, an IQ of 75 and absolutely no sense of humor.

I desire an angry, self absorbed, egocentric, narcissistic, control freak type woman that appreciates and posseses similar virtues to mine for a long mutually demeaning relationship.

Added bonus if you are moody, manipulative, materialistic, or tantrum throwing. I also have a thing for big haired chicks who have taken out a ceiling fan or two with their hair-do, but even if you don't got big hair, as long as you got some of the above qualities, i'm all for it.


I don't read books. They're bad for you. All they do is give you bad ideas. Movies? I only watch the ones starring Ron Jeremy. I like the music at the tractor pulls...and as far as food goes, anything deep fried, specially possum


sitting in my doublewide watching my relatives on the Jerry Springer Show while drinking a case of PBR


You're into short, round, illiterate men.

I don't think I'm angry enough for him though.