Monday, July 28, 2014

I have 5 minutes to describe 5 years of emotion stuffed into 3 days

"I have to end this date so I can go home and write about it," I didn't say. But I thought. (Because it's too close to bedtime and I don't have time to really write!)

I've been all over the map the past few days. Awaiting possible terrible news from a loved one (who the fuck could sit and "chill"?) to obsessing over a date the Cyclist went on (is she prettier than me?) to dealing with a friend's illness ("It will be hard for you to see my scars," she said, stepping into the shower) (the only difficult thing is thinking about the hardship a body can go through), so really the last thing I was thinking about was this date.

I was so wound up Saturday that I cried, thinking of all the people I am going to lose.

But today I have not lost anyone and disaster is no longer imminent. My friend is out of the ER and my family is out of immediate danger, and the Cyclist will still be my friend, even if he finds someone else and falls in love.

So I let myself see the cute boy with expressive eyes in front of me tonight who seemed both excessively nervous and very sweet in that non-player way that I like so much, a friend's words ringing in my head: "Don't forget it took time to build up to that comfort level you have now with the Cyclist. You didn't have that at the beginning. Give another guy a chance."

So when he hugged me, I relaxed and let myself notice what he smelled like.

It was nice.

(Sent from my phone)

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The date that didn't run from pimply me

The past few days of stress have really done a number on my skin. I look awful and wished I hadn't already had a date lined up. But he didn't run away when he saw me, the mark of a gentleman. He even managed to smile broadly, although he lost points for not insisting on buying my fancy Starbucks water. But he was so much fun, I'd see him again.

I don't know if it's that there's so many more larger things going on right now or what but I'm totally not feeling focused on love. Even the boy I adore, I'm not even thinking about him like I used to. But I feel very grounded, which is good. Conserving my mental energy for the important stuff. Like zit cream.

(Sent from my phone)

Monday, July 21, 2014

Part 2

I am terrible at taking my own advice. "Don't worry before you know for sure what's going on," I said. "Nodules in lungs are common. Worst-case scenario, it's serious but even if it were cancer, it's supposed to have a 92% cure rate if caught early."

Then I got off the phone, turned off the lights, settled into bed and cried myself to sleep. Or, not-sleep, considering as I'm still awake.

Worst-case scenarios are so haunting.

The worst case for me is to lose the ones I love and I don't know how to bear the thought. Thinking of the terrible thing never prevents the thing from happening nor prepares one for coping, but what are we to do in the face of such giant inevitable losses looming?

Abstract me would say "give back" -- maybe after a train wreck tears away part of your life, the only way to get it back is to lessen someone else's pain? But all I can think about right now is how hard it is to be human sometimes. Funny that I once thought the worst thing that happened to me was go through a divorce. Pssht. Silly girl.

I got 4 hours of sleep last night. I have got to get some rest and I don't know how.

So I will read, but not about lungs.

(Sent from my phone)

How NOT to fall asleep, but I never followed directions anyway

Ways to fall asleep:

-- Thinking of the man with the mischievous smile and infectious laugh that's kindof really become your favorite person to be around.

Ways not to fall asleep:

-- Looking up what it means to find an 11mm mass in a lung.

Spin the roulette wheel, guess which one! Whee! The options on Magic Stress Mountain are limitless.

(Sent from my phone)

Friday, July 18, 2014

The update I would never post on Facebook

Despite a healthy disrespect for overuse of muscle relaxants, my ass is always relieved to find that they do, in fact, seem to help for this recurring neck thing I've got going on. Except the price is high: I lose the entire outer shell of my persona and turn into a bag of organs. I have absolutely no ability to do anything other than metabolize.

The turn of events between late last night and today is almost comical.

I somehow tweaked an old injury helping a friend out of the emergency room last night when she stumbled and I grabbed her. The knot grew tighter and now I need to lift my head with my hands just to turn it from side-to-side. Then someone in the family called with possible terrible news, so there's that, and I'm still freaking out over my friend being sick because she was readmitted to the hospital today, and, to top it off, I may have food poisoning. Good times.

In the 20 minute window between doses (basically the only time I am capable of clear thought, and, not coincidently, also writing this), I scoured the internet for information on muscle injuries and wondered if I should fucking go to school to learn how to deal with this shit and then help other people with the fucking soft tissue/muscle injuries. So yeah, maybe that will be my new hobby.

Better take advantage of reading before the next dose kicks in. Peace out.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

A very different end to the day

"So you're writing a book of dating stories?"

"Yes, I'm maybe a third of the way through it."

"I hope I'm the last chapter."

(Sent from my phone)

Saturday, July 12, 2014

That time I tried to be a big fat jerk

I am an asshole. And I don't care.

I canceled this coming Sunday's date because he didn't reply to my last email, and I ended up reaching out to see if we were still on (don't make a girl do that, by the way), and he replied with a short (curt) "yeah," explaining that he can't play sports that day anyway (so he would have cancelled if he could have?) so I ditched the date. I need a guy to be enthusiastic about meeting me.

Not like this.
Then, tonight's first phone conversation with another potential date was so terrible that, when he finally asked about me (after I steered the conversation away from the counseling session it was turning into), I didn't want to answer because I never wanted to talk to him again after we hung up.

I still feel kindof bad about Home State Guy. Remember when I was having a rough week but didn't know why? It was because I was tied up in knots about both the idea of seeing him again and the idea of not seeing him again. Something about him made me uneasy and apparently having an anxiety attack is the body's way of forcing you to face your feelings. The only way I can do this dating thing is to be really up-front and honest.

The optimist in me says: