Thursday, October 23, 2014

Can you decide not to be as horrible as usual and actually have that happen? Or does that just exude forth, uncontained??

I sat next to Conference Guy and checked in with myself. This was our first "official" date after turning a budding friendship into a romance via text. He has this calm, nice way about him and I found myself feeling easy and relaxed the whole date. I was almost normal! (I can be weirdly skittish sometimes when fleshing things out so, like a lunatic, I have to keep checking in. Do I want to be here? How do I feel?)

We had a wonderful dinner, he even brought me flowers (FUCK I left them in the car, goddammit, they may as well be half a mile away) and at some point he even came to sit next to me so we could be closer to each other rather than all the way across the table, and I was so happy.
Everything was great until we went outside and stood by my car and got quiet, testing out what it felt like to be in each other's presence. I felt like I was in high school again. Suddenly shy.
Him: This is like a dream!

Me (giggling): Like freefalling. I found this animation of Homer Simpson falling down a neverending flight of stairs.

Him: Um, do I remind you of Homer Simpson?
We laughed and then got quiet again and he began smoothing my hair with the utmost tenderness, as if he were handling a rare, precious butterfly -- my hideous hair! -- and his eyes were beaming with unreserved adoration and affection, and I suddenly got self-conscious: how could he possibly look at me like that and enjoy what he saw? Didn't he see the lines in my face? That my smile is crooked? My awkward stance?

And that's when I realized, that's it. That's what's fucking going on, that's my problem.

I don't honestly believe I'm pretty or special or worthy.

I don't know how to be cherished.

I don't know how to receive, I only know how to give.

Dammit and now I CAN'T fucking go out to the car and get the goddamn flowers because I'm sitting here crying, realizing this, and I don't want to face my roommies who are now piled up in front of the tv studying and watching the latest ebola news. "Just chillin'" I'll say, zipping out the front door, but all the lights are on and they'll see. Suuure, you are, they'll think.

Isn't it just so much better if I shut this budding thing down? If I never have to worry about opening up or sharing my insecurities or ugly-crying in front of him, isn't it just better if I shut it all down?

But I'm not going to. I'm going to give this a chance, as terrified as I am.

I won't tell him I'm scared. I won't reveal that the confident-seeming fun girl he "fell" for at the conference is really a bag of insecurities, and I will try not to cackle my unsexiest laugh to ruin the mood while flinging his compliments away with clever retorts about my hideousness. I will try not to do any of these things.

I will try.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Connecting with the inner compass

This is my last night of living in my head and it's been so nice savoring the past few days. Tomorrow I have a date to see ~him~ and will see if there's *really* something there, like we think. (Not that we're going to slip on a banana peel and have sex -- my frigid ass still waits for that --but we haven't even *kissed*, so, yeah.)

The past couple of years, my heart has remained an inpenetrable black coal inside my chest for anyone other than the Cyclist, despite trying (and before that I don't even want to talk about it). 
So this seems to be an experiment in freefalling.

It isn't pretty.
I don't really seem to have control over the when/why part -- lawd knows I've dissected other possibilities in my head and thought they'd be fantastic matches... if only I could make myself feel.

Not happening.
I used a recent meditation tool to evaluate the current lineup (when there was one). The exercise is to ask yourself the following 4 questions before making a big decision, if you're unsure. (This works for anything, not just love -- it's just a way to connect with your inner compass.)

(Or you could just ask your mom.)
Questions to ask before making a decision:
1. Does it feel like freedom or entrapment?

2. Does it feel easy or forced?

3. Does it feel very fun, compelling or stimulating?

4. Does it feel like peace or mania? (Is there an inner stillness?)
A truly healthy decision passes all four with flying colors.

This is how I was so easily able to narrow down the recent possibilities. I went out with Last Year Guy and while sitting next to him at the salad place, I imagined sitting next to him at the salad place a year from now, and something in me suddenly felt trapped. And the idea of getting together again felt forced. It did feel peaceful, however, and usually even felt fun, but for whatever reason, it only passed 2 of those 4 questions. Who knows why it wasn't resonating? Maybe someday it will -- he's such a great guy, I wish it could have worked.

Anyway, so we'll see. Tonight is the last night to pretend I'm ready for love... tomorrow is the test!

Saturday, October 18, 2014

hearts everywhere

We haven't even kissed yet and we're kindof falling in love. Here's what's unexpected: I don't care. I don't care if it lasts a week, a month or never even gets out of the starting gate. I'm loving every second of the blissful connection with Conference Guy and we're talking about anything and everything and I'm not feeling shut down, like usual, at least not yet. Fucking awesome. The emotional connection is so easy! <3 <3 <3

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


Correction from last post: make that lingering on the verge of a torrid affair with one of FOUR amazing men. Omg!

(Sent from my phone)