Friday, June 19, 2015

But 4 hours IS an extended period of time!!

My workplace recently did an employee satisfaction survey and it came out low. I'm happy working here, but apparently lots of people are not, so the head decided to address this.

He released a statement to the effect of "We're trying to address employee needs and happiness. We're working on it! We even got everyone a special little Red Cross kit in case there was an emergency and people needed to shelter in place for an extended period of time."
That yellow packet is our 4 ounces of water.
I found this WILDLY hilarious.

Because of one word: "Extended."

How long is an "extended" period of time? Because I remembered when those kits were handed out.

They contain precisely FOUR ounces of water.

Red Cross claims that this 4 ounce packet of water will provide ONE day's worth of water.

Four ounces is the equivalent of half a glass of water.

Consider that the (unofficially-recommended) daily serving of water is EIGHT 8-ounce glasses of water a day, how long was 4 ounces supposed to last? A few hours?

Even if the Red Cross has determined that cellular function can still occur at the (non ideal) level of 4 ounces per day, this means we can get through ONE day.

THIS is an "extended" period of time??
My brain fast-forwarded to the vision of an emergency scenario.

I pictured thousands of employees on day 4 dropping like flies, dead from lack of water.

An investigation would be opened as to why this happened, especially when the leader assured higher-ups that employees would be okay for an "extended" period of time.
Investigator 1: "But they had a Red Cross kit!"
Investigator 2: "Only the kind that lasts for a day. Poor slobs."
Investigator 1: "Huh. So why did they assure everyone that they were set for an 'extended' period of time?"
Investigator 2: [Shrug] "Well, maybe one day IS an extended period of time."
Investigator 1: [Goes back to scooping up bodies] "Sure must have felt like it to those thirsty sons of bitches."
[END]

Friday, June 12, 2015

How to be an asshole, part 1: no one can feel however they feel

I'm all fired up by this convo:
Woman 1: "Six weeks after a long labor followed by a cesarean, my husband tells me, 'I have not had time to write poetry since the baby was born.'"
Woman 2: "Clearly, he never wanted to have sex again. Ever."
Why is it not okay for the husband to feel that way? And why is the response "Punish him for having feelings we don't like! Withhold sex!! "?
Those people are going to get a divorce in 10-20 years!
Why is the response not something compassionate, like, "yeah, I hear you, that sucks"?? Or, "I feel that way too, it's been so time-consuming that I haven't had time to write myself"? 
Aren't partners supposed to be a team?

This is a concept discussed both in NVC (non-violent communication) and by therapists that deal with relating, relationships and couples counseling: the idea that one person knows the "right" way for things to be and how this turns into a power imbalance that is ultimately disconnecting. 
I found a good (long) article about this concept by a counselor who calls this the "Master/Slave" problem, where the "Master" is the dominant, 'right' party ("This is how the towels should be folded!") and the "Slave" is the one who must comply:

Excerpt:
If someone complains about silence, I expect to find a Master/Slave problem. A relatively stable Master/Slave relationship (remember Master/Slave relationships are inherently unstable) will have communication going only in one way from Master to Slave. The Slave will have learned to be silent about any disagreement. The Slave will be keeping their differing points of view secret. The typical Master does not notice at first, but in more mature relationships I often hear things like, “I can’t find out what she wants” Or “He won’t tell me. He’s quiet all the time.”



(By the way, I think this is a pretty good definition of agreement: one person thinks there is agreement, but is in some level of delusion. Their partner knows there is no agreement, but is keeping silent about it.  From this emerges the one-liner: “If two people are agreeing, then at least one of them is lying – withholding their truth.”) 

This silence is one thing that makes Master/Slave Relationships unstable. The decision-maker is uninformed, and is often critically in delusion about what is going on in their partner.
When I am working with an individual in a relationship, I often focus on this problem. If they mention something their partner does that they don’t understand, I invite them to share why they don’t know what is going on in their partner. When they share, “He/she won’t tell me” I then PreValidate the non-present and non-speaking partner and move to teaching about Master/Slave. “Of course they don’t tell you. You are probably a pain in the neck to talk to. Let’s see if we can figure this out.” 

Silence is so major a problem that I often give people a couple of one-liners to help them learn.  The one reason a person is quiet is that it is not safe for them to talk.   The one reason a person lies is that it is not safe for them to tell the truth.

ARGUMENT

The most common sign of a Master/Slave Relationship is an argument. Simply put, an argument is two people trying to be Master at the same time. And both are using Punishment systems, trying to pain their partner into pretending agreement, with varying success. If you are arguing, then you are probably trying to establish your “Truth” as the only truth, and get you partner to appear to agree. Arguing is the verbal behavior of two bullies. (A bully is a person who wants their way and will cause pain for others if they don’t get it.)
Arguing is admired in our culture. People often express their power and strength in arguments. Our TV and politics are full of arguments. Yet almost all couples who come into my office state that arguing is a problem.

http://www.alturtle.com/archives/172

I can now see that this is the dynamic that existed in my marriage, but I am not absolved from my responsibility for my passive role.

The new mom above set the rules but they were cruel and unrealistic and included her husband not being allowed to mourn the loss of his free time or feel bad that he wasn't able to do a fulfilling activity. Not only did she regard his feelings as inappropriate, but it was universally accepted that he should be shamed for having them.


Why is our society so threatened by feelings? What happened that we are not allowed to feel how we feel? Feelings exist whether or not you welcome them. Fighting them just makes it worse. The most current info says that if you want to sail through life the zen master of emotional health, you have to accept what you feel inside. Why not make this easy on others by accepting their feelings too?


Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Proof of terrible people in the world (in case you didn't already know)

Quote one guy friend said a date told him (which she then followed up with a photo):

"Your face looks like a particular breed of hunting dog."  


Are you fucking kidding me???

Another guy friend said he was once asked, "Hey, do you have back hair?" 

And quite a surprising number of other male friends said they were asked how much they made and if they could support the woman. 

I'm ready to run screaming down the street - what is wrong with these people!!

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The present doesn't diminish the past.

He's asleep now, one arm draped over me as I'm typing out this embryonic blog post. I'm listening to him breathe rhythmically and falling more and more in love with each deep intake.

I'm so wild about this guy. 7 months now. Is that short? Is it long? I can't tell. It just feels right, whatever it is. There's no drama (thanks to my recent ex for teaching me that was even possible) and no issues, just a wonderful friendship, respect and love.

I posted a photo of my sweetie on Instagram recently and wrote a little snippet about how handsome he is. I wonder if his ex will see it. Maybe it's insensitive of me to gush in public.

I remember what it felt like to see someone affectionately refer to my my ex husband online. It has been a long time since he was "mine" so it should not have felt like anything but it was still weird at first, even though I was happy for him.

So I wondered, would his ex see that loving sentiment and feel... diminished?

I hope not.

I said something I somewhat regret in an earlier blog post. Something to the effect of never knowing love like this before. It's true, but as a person with the capacity to love deeply, I don't want to diminish the value of previous loves. Each are different.

What's different with my sweetie now is that we happen to want the same things: the same expressions of love, the same closeness, the same kind of connection, the same way of spending free time together, a similar way of life centered around each other. But other loves, and even likes, have mattered. We all matter to each other.

(Sent from my phone)