Wednesday, September 17, 2014

love is a sweet potato, and musings about illness

I sat at the kitchen table flipping through a wig catalog for cancer patients while my girlfriend chatted happily on the phone with her mother-in-law. "Yes, we'll come to see you soon," she chirped, while I sank inside, morose at the idea that my beautiful friend is going to lose her hair in two weeks. She had her first chemo treatment today. I googled it because she didn't give me the details.

Maybe you already know what to expect. I thought I knew, but not like this. Not up close.

I marked each day of her treatment in my calendar even though I'm not taking her to the sessions. I want to countdown to the end.

When I pulled up, she was sitting outside with neighbors around her, looking pale but happy.

I handed her a sweet potato because I tell people I love them with food. "Eat," I said, because I couldn't say what I really thought: I'm scared.

Then one neighbor, wrapping up to leave, hugged her and said, "I'm so relieved, you look great. You're not that sick afterall. You can do things still."

I put my arm protectively around my friend and she leaned into me. I could tell she was tired.

"It gets worse over the course of treatment," I said as gently as I could.

My friend looked at me gratefully, relieved of the burden of educating people about the illness she didn't ask for but now had to fight.

"Ah," said the neighbor, very astute. "So you will need many visits, not just tonight. Okay. I make you food."

Monday, September 15, 2014

Vin, fin.

It wasn't the wisest decision, to make plans after the after-work appointment, but it was the last time I'd be able to see Vin before he flew to his home 2,000 miles away.

He hugged me and I thought we can't do this, we can't have this falling-for-eachother thing going on, I'm supposed to be getting over someone and what if all I'm capable of doing right now is burning through love like a cinder in a paper bag, freefalling until I hit some as-yet-unknown concrete resting spot? We can't do this, I have a dark side. We can't, I just cannot be vulnerable right now. We can't, I'm afraid I'll get lost again; that's all I know how to do: make my partner more important than me. We can't, because even though I've wanted more than anything in the world to rebuild my life with someone, what I need is to be alone.

We can't do this, because.

But I didn't say a word. He hugged me and I leaned into him, and let myself feel safe just for tonight.

In the car, in a random parking lot, because that's where we were, talking and sharing and laughing and playing music, I felt for the tiniest moments, what it might feel like to fall in love again... and then we parted.

Thank you, my dear Vin, for showing me what it feels like to connect like that. Fly home safe. <3

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Friday, September 12, 2014

"There is no real ending. It's just the place where you stop the story."  ~Frank Herbert

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


There are a million reasons why it wouldn't work, like him being 2,000 miles away, but the full moon was bright and he was making me laugh my head off, and so we found ourselves playing word games, arms wrapped around each other in the park near the restaurant where we started as old friends catching up.

It was effortless, first the conversation and then the easy hugs. The air was gentle and so was the look in his eyes, and so for an hour, I didn't overthink.

What kind of memory will this make? I usually ask myself before I make a decision. If it seems like a good one, awesome. Green light.

How will we think of this later, I wonder? When our birthdays arrive back-to-back and we haven't seen each other for months? I am sure the memory will be sweet, like our friendship, with the same ease that always existed but will the kiss under the harvest moon linger with the question of what would it be like to date this man or will tonight fade into a happy memory? I could see both, My dear Vin.

Vin, from Gigolos (Showtime show)

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

I'm only doing this so I can move

I joined a gym today because I want to move. Like, out of my house. And I refuse to move until I thin out all my stuff, including the nice clothes in a box in my closet that I haven't fit into since I felt good in my body back when my parents took off my training wheels.

Funny that the most powerful motivator isn't the idea of possibly being seen naked someday before I sign papers for a nursing home but that I absolutely will not carry one more box than is necessary into my future next place (hopefully not a nursing home).

I made them give me a body fat analysis test because I was feeling especially humorous and I felt like saying the word "fat" 10 times.

"Hi, I saw the sign on the wall for the free body fat analysis test? Is there someone around who could measure my body fat? I wanna see how fat I am. It's free, right? Awesome!"

So that happened.

Then I got onto a bike and disappeared into another world, at least until the lady behind me made noises of desperation, but I couldn't tell if they were "please call an ambulance" noises or "fuck, this is hard" noises, so I did what any humanitarian would do and continued checking Facebook until the back of the room fell silent.

Can someone please ask people not to grunt so loudly in gyms? It's very distracting and gets in the way of the cat videos I'm trying to watch. Also, how is it possible that 45 minutes of sweating and suffering only burns the equivalent of a single potato chip? There are some very concrete reasons to hate the gym, and not just because it's filled with torture devices.

(Sent from my phone)

4am thoughts

He's calm, kind, gentle and inclusive and doesn't seem to mind that I'm almost never available, nor that my heart is elsewhere (I had basically told everyone I couldn't date right now because I was too hung up on the last one [they didn't need to know I wasn't talking to him either -- I just wanted to create a "no dude" space around me for a bit]). And he replied, offering, basically, to be the rebound. He said sometimes people get over others with a little companionship, and now it's 4am and I'm thinking of his emotionally generous nature and I dunno, maybe that would be nice for a bit.

(Sent from my phone)