Thursday, April 17, 2014

I told my girlfriend tonight, "create space" (for seedlings to grow, of course)

It's worth it! Going through hell has finally paid off. I just helped another dear soul, one just starting out on her own after a divorce. She's where I was a few years ago.

I wrote her, and will share for any of you who are going through a divorce now, this to consider:
So, the things that are causing pain, I have these same exact thoughts. Less now, but: "Will I ever find love again, who will love me" etc. -- that's the part of you that doesn't feel secure that her needs will be met, that she'll be taken care of. 

She's not yet confident in your ability to take care of her because she's scared, it's like a little kid not trusting the subway because it's scary and she's never been on one. This is a new path and of course since you've never done this before you have no idea how it's going to go. 

If you could say to yourself, like you do with working out, "oh okay, if I do xyz then in x amount of time, x happens." Nope, you're the scientist observing here and have no road map. So bring with you patience, curiosity and a sense of adventure. 

Those thoughts that make you sad, welcome them along for the ride but they are not the only thoughts in the room even if they are being the loudest, most obnoxious ones at the table right now. Don't let them have another glass of wine -- the other thoughts are getting drowned out by their rowdiness but there is room for all to be present. 

The exciting thoughts: you get to have your alone time to do whatever! Maybe write a book? What would you do with your time if you didn't have your business? Try not to let the hopeful green sprout get drowned out by the worries just now -- just smile at it and let it know that there is room to exist in this giant new garden you will be cultivating. 

In order for something new to sprout, there has to be a space. You yank out a big ol' weed and then there's this awkward hole in the ground. It will be there until it's not - but it will not ALWAYS be a hole, there WILL be new growth. 

This is your time of creating space. 
The hardest part of... ANY thing? Our thoughts about it. If you could change your thoughts, you'd change your feelings, and if you change your feelings, then you're no longer in reaction mode and you can harness that otherwise siphoned energy. Just imagine what you could do then!

Like a wise friend once told me (and if you still read this blog, call me!), "What if you just believed everything would be okay?"

And it will.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

How to pick your life partner, parts 1 and 2 (best advice I have ever read) (article links)

I guarantee you that not only will you laugh your head off reading this, but you will learn some very astute facts. (Now if this blogger only had a match-making service...!)

How to Pick Your Life Partner, Part 1:

How to Pick Your Life Partner, Part 2:

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Sleet, the great date, and verbal apraxia (that took a vacay for the night)

At some point it happens - I am talking and I don't even realize I am expending effort to get the words out. My thoughts are flowing and it feels so seamless, and things slow around me and I realize I am extremely calm and energized at the same time.

It happened during the job interview 8 years ago for the awesome job I have now, it happens with good friends and family, and it happened tonight on my awesome date. 4.5 hours just flew.

Maybe this is the case for most people but not for me - usually there is some effort involved in verbal communication for me. (Well even written but at least I have the luxury of time there so it's not as anxiety provoking.)

I have a mild touch of something called "apraxia" where you go to say one word and another comes out instead. Like, I once meant to say "apple cobbler" but out came "apple crumble" (one recent example I can think of off the top of my head).

It happens all the time and has existed my entire life although is much worse when I am anxious or sleep-deprived. Caffeine helps because it affects alertness and how neurons fire together.

I can't control it so I usually save face by compensating in lots of various ways that I've developed over the years but to enter a "flow" state when talking is remarkably rare. At least for me.

Speech issues suck because our entire society turns on communication. If you happen to be a good, strong, confident and capable communicator, your social status and esteem soars. If not so much, then it will just add to a lack of confidence - your own words betray you and those around you are puzzled because you seem smart, especially in writing so why do you sometimes sound so dumb? It's like a verbal hiccup. Let this happen enough, like your entire life, and you stop wanting to speak up or out. However, you'll develop great listening skills and learn to write because there you can take your time and edit. (My unedited writing sucks! The words definitely do not flow out but practice makes a huge difference.)

Incidentally, this is another thing that several people in my family also have. We all have the same mild electrical heart anomaly too. Maybe we have similarities in more than one place structurally: not just the same nose or eyes, but similar supraventricular pathways of pacemaker cells and neural pathways in the brain too?

Apraxia and word retrieval difficulties do not lie in misunderstanding but rather in expunging the correct labels for thoughts. It's more that the process of getting the words out gets jumbled.

Anyway. So when I have a thing like tonight where it goes smoothly and awesomely and I don't even have to try so hard, it feels amazing! When you really connect, there's no mistaking it. We left the restaurant and it was sleeting and snowing (in mid-April!) so I wrapped my scarf around his head and he laughed and put his arm around me, making our exit cozy and warm despite the sleet blanketing us.

(Sent from my phone)

Monday, April 14, 2014

This is what meditation looks like (I stopped it to write it out)

This is what meditation looks like at first:

"Omg my friend's father died today how is she doing now? Maybe I should change my career to help my own dad before it's too late but could I make a good living being a kidney nutritionist? When do I talk to the professor about this... thing... between us and dear god, he wants to give me a computer, which is so thoughtful but I cannot possibly take that no matter how hard he is trying to convince me it's just "extra" there will still be strings attached and if it's really "extra" why didn't he sell it on Craigslist, but he mentioned having a lot of stuff, does he hoard? I can't be with a hoarder. But that doesn't matter, I already determined it wasn't going to go anywhere. Aww I miss the Cyclist so bad but my BFF said it takes 8 weeks for the bonding hormones to leave the body so give it that long before deciding about missing him. Fuck, I left the kidney disease membership printout in the fucking printer at work. I hope they don't sell my name because my mailbox is too small for all that paper. This coming weekend will be the third weekend in a row where I've got a strict schedule and now I have to help my friend whose dad died too, when am I going to help her clean out his house? I wonder if they like lasagna, it's easy to drop off and last a long time but it's not that healthy. Hmm. Chinese food instead? I need to find a craft fair for May and June, time is getting away from me. Am I going to get those special supplies from that one vendor for that unique new thing but I have to see if I can get a table at a medical conference, it's so specialized, and what about the new line I'm introducing? Don't unveil it until it's patented but solve the problem about how it hangs first, but I don't like any of the options available now, I've gone through 300 styles of hangers and none of them are quite right, but one could work but what if I decide that's the one and they stop carrying it? How do I patent an idea? Don't forget to fill out that business plan because PLANS, yo, and should I send my mom flowers for her birthday in addition to visiting or just bring flowers when I see her even though it's after the actual day?Or maybe I should send her chocolate from that tasty place I found this weekend. BFF spent $90 on dinner for us omg! Do something special for her like pay for the studio tours on the next trip and speaking of trips, I have to book a weekend to NY to see my aunt like I promised. Tomorrow I need to make a lot of headway on everything, and speaking of tomorrow, what will I wear for my new date?"

This is all actual, true stuff. I stopped my meditation to write it all out - seriously this is hilarious! Look at everything I have to do! I'm not stressed about 90% of it because it's mostly stuff I *want* to do.

The key to meditation: you just observe the thoughts, all of them. You don't engage with them or follow them down rabbit holes, just let the stream of consciousness flow through like water until the chatter dissipates. Until it's all thought out. It's so relaxing.

Basically there's a giant to-do list in my head that include tiny thoughts and big, huge, life-changing ideas... some time I shall make the space to follow each in thought and see where that leads. But not tonight. And not while meditating!

(Sent from my phone)

Sunday, April 13, 2014


I just opened a fortune cookie:
"Listen to what you know instead of what you fear."
I've been fearing facing my feelings for the sweet-natured guy I met last August when the Cyclist and I were on a break. It was friendzoned after the second date because I still had feelings for the Cyclist. We've developed a friendship, however, and recently I have been quietly noticing how thoughtful and good-natured he is and how nice it feels to have someone really into me. He's been mailing me chocolate, by surprise, with sweet notes and the latest batch included a funny story. He signed it, "Always in my thoughts." My heart softened and I thought I could really get used to this.


He snagged surprise tickets to a concert Friday, scooped me up and took me into the city, treated me wonderfully, even bought me one of the band's CDs and his eyes shone when I squealed in pleasure.

I lack the proper anatomy to say this next part accurately but I feel like a complete dick... after he dropped me off, I didn't long for his company or reminisce about our evening together. Even when we were together, I didn't feel drawn to him or want to hang all over him the way I do when I'm into a dude. I can only be affectionate with someone if I really like them.

My BFF is visiting from out-of-town this weekend and we spent the weekend laughing our heads off and chatting about our love lives. I told her about this situation, how I wanted to like him, that it had all the markings of good relationship material but.... BUT.
"Well, you just don't really have those feelings for him," she said.

"Well, maybe I will develop them," I wondered. "It took me a while to cement feelings for my first love."

"Yeah, but you were a teenager then! Now you know what you want. You've known him for 8 months, that should be enough time to figure out if you like him. What do you feel when you think about seeing him again?"

"I don't really look forward to it."

"Then you shouldn't force it."
Maybe this is karma. Somehow I have landed in the same situation, perhaps, that the Cyclist was in with me. It feels wonderful to be appreciated but if your heart doesn't skip, the union is missing whatever it needs to drive you to crave their company.

I don't know what it is.

He's handsome, very handsome, actually. He has a ton of admirable qualities that I like. I trust him. On paper, he has everything I'd be looking for in someone, plus he thinks I'm awesome. But I don't feel it, and if you are going by the "fuck yes or no" policy, since I am not saying, "fuck yes!" the answer must be no.

It makes me sad. I wanted to be in the same boat.

"You can't make your heart feel something it won't..."

Part of me dreads the upcoming conversation. But we weren't actually involved and didn't actually spend a lot of time together so it's not like it was love or anything -- maybe it is (unreciprocated) limerence, but it shouldn't be too bad, right?

I hope I never made the Cyclist feel any worse than natural for not being in the same boat as me. It's a good lesson though: why would you try to get something from a person who cannot give it? It's good for me to see this from both sides.

The OkCupid Inbox Of Every 23-Year-Old Girl (Article from Thought Catalog)

I think this applies to women regardless of age, actually:

The OkCupid Inbox Of Every 23-Year-Old Girl:

(Sent from my phone)

Monday, April 7, 2014

After, part 3

I haven't been pining away for him as bad as I thought I'd be. Perhaps I really am ready for more than he could give. Still, I hear his voice in my dreams and turn with joy as if turning to the sun, and then I awake and I realize that isn't actually happening. The dreams are mundane so reality catches me off guard. We joke about toothbrushes and I am hugging him and he laughs that throaty laugh that hooked me on our first date, and a tinge of wistfulness lingers behind while I climb into the shower. But it's okay.

(Sent from my phone)