help opening the cans

The Cyclist is so sweet, he comes over to me to see how he can help me when I'm cooking and then even when I say I'm fine, will open cans and pull out tools -- it sounds so small but the fact that he even asks and chips in makes it fun and easy to cook for him somehow. There's no chaos in his kitchen, it's clean. I don't have to start scrubbing before I even start cooking.

It's so nice how we are good to each other. There are no games. He doesn't get mad or act like he's frustrated with me even though you could argue that I am obviously not his perfect mate if he doesn't want to deepen things; whatever he ultimately needs/wants in a partnership must not be getting fulfilled but he doesn't punish me for that.

Why are people so punitive when they don't get what they want? They try to shape and change and mold others through coercion and anger and manipulation. When has that ever resulted in the ultimate measure of success: good relationships? Yet society does not promote emotional maturity. Everyone benefits from self-awareness but there's still a sense of shame in seeking counseling or looking inward. It's far easier to just foist blame externally.

But he doesn't try to change me. He hasn't made me feel that he thinks I am fat (a fear of mine) or inadequate.

Have you heard of The Five Love Languages? "According to Chapman, people feel loved when a partner expresses their caring in the language that is natural to the recipient." To reach your partner, they say, speak their "love language."

I had once guessed that my top two love languages were affection and effusiveness because I thought expressiveness really mattered. But the Cyclist is making me rethink this. "You can be a good person and not necessarily a good partner" he once said. Maybe it's more important than I realized to have someone help you open the cans.

Living with roommates

So, the little counter everyone puts their detergent on was extremely crowded and I needed to clear some space. While moving the detergent around, I noticed half the bottles were empty. The recycling bin is 10 steps away. Why is it so difficult to lift an empty container, turn right, walk several paces and place the item in the recycling bin?? I don't get it. Each of the bottles in this pic were  completely empty.

it sleeps

I should be getting ready for bed. Indeed, I should already be asleep. I spent the evening dealing with some paperwork issues with my ex and feel just awful.

"I've cried, and you'd think I'd be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life." Conor Oberst

Whatever you want, NO.

Guy changing my tire: You live around here?
Me: Not too far.
Guy: You're cute. Watchu do on the weekends?
Me: See my boyfriend.
Guy: Oh, you gotta boyfriend? Why you no tell me?

::facepalm::

So when are you supposed to bring this up? At first eye contact? Should I be making jewelry that is really just a giant sign that says "Whatever you want, NO"?? Maybe that'd be the all-purpose solution for religious fanatics, overzealous Herbalife salespeople and construction workers alike.

Bird whisperer for a day

Baby house sparrow.
(Not her -- I was too preoccupied to pull out my camera -- but she looked like this.
Maybe a bit older, as the corners of her mouth were not this pronounced.)
Photo courtesy of Wunderground.com

I ducked into a store today to get something small for my sweetie that I will need when I see him next when I heard a bird chirp way in the back. A bird in the store! I had to go see it. I put down the two items I was comparing and headed for the sound of the chirping. Sure enough, a frightened, young sparrow rested on the floor breathing heavy, having exhausted itself from looking for an exit. Birds prefer high, safe perches. If one's on the ground in a land of giants, it must be spent. It looked like a young female house sparrow.

I stood away from her purposefully not lunging and tried to do that thing that worked for my parakeets: get them used to my presence. I extended my hand slowly so she could observe it; with my outstretched hand, came an offer. "Here, hop on this? It is a magical vehicle that will bring you what I can see you desire most: freedom." She eyed me and turned her back. "No thanks, I'm good." But she didn't fly away -- that's something, right? I was surprised she wasn't terrified of me but I have a history of rescuing birds, maybe word got out.

We stood there a moment but then a clerk came over and she bolted. I followed her around the store at a calm speed so it wouldn't feel like I was a predator stalking her. Everywhere she stopped, I stopped, holding up my outstretched hand and crooning softly to her. If I could have spoken bird, I would have said, "Hi again! I know I'm 8,000 times larger than you and most of us aren't that nice but I swear, I know you just want to be outside. Let me help." Staff came over and one of them handed me a broom. Another one held a plastic bag to throw over the little bird like a net. "Thank you, but that will scare her," I told them. "Here, let me try it my way for a bit."

She flew away again but I found her resting on a top of a clothes rack trying to catch her breath. I slowly inched my hand towards her again until this time I was almost touching her. When she didn't flinch, I gently closed my palm around her, scooped her into my cupped hands and began speedwalking towards the front. I got her! But in my earnestness not to harm this delicate creature (bird's bones are hollow and especially fragile and they can even have a heart attack from fright), I wasn't holding her tight enough and she got away. Snap!

We went through the dance again, her circling the store while I walked deliberately her way. Soon, another opportunity presented itself and I again got my hand close enough to cup around her but this time, I held her more tightly. Once outside, I released her in a bush, opening my hand amidst the branches so she could see she was now free and leave of her own volition. She laid in my palm for a moment looking around, confused. Then she looked at me one last time and flew high into a tree and my heart soared with her.

"I saw an angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free." Michaelangelo

facing a truth

I'm coming up on the one year finalization of my divorce (separated ~3
years ago) and have been having dreams of my ex recently -- is it
because of this anniversary? The dreams are no longer contentious at
least. We're friends again. But I don't really want to be dreaming of
this. I don't really want to be thinking of the past or have it in my
head.

I think it scares me to try to take up another relationship that could
be as serious, as much as I seem to long for it. It's hard for me to
imagine being as close with another person. I guess as much as I pour
out all my seeking in this blog, it's been safe to pick the unions
that don't threaten this core fear and reject the ones that do.

I don't totally love admitting this. (Or, I should say, realizing it.)

I started reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" -- a book about
commitmentphobes -- and it's kindof illuminating. Really, it's fine to
be wherever you are, as long as you're honest about it. I think I'm
ready to take down some of the defensive barriers I'd erected and
accept where I am.

hmmm

I got off the phone with my friend from here (when we met up for the first time in person after 20 years, although we'd been in touch via email and phone) and thought huh, we talk so easily, he likes me, he would like to date, he treats his women like gold, he could maybe be crazy about me (none of this "meh, I could take her or leave her" stuff), he'd have time for me, he's honest, stable, sweet, kind.... why have I never considered this before? It's too bad he lives 4 hours away and that whole spending time together thing is so difficult. That's really the only way to know about relationship compatibility.

When I saw him for dinner a coupla months ago, I was skittish at first but he put me at ease because the friendship is so well-established that I quickly realized he's still the same dude I've been friends with for 20+ years and not trying to put moves on me prematurely.

Hmmm.