Monday, July 21, 2014

Part 2

I am terrible at taking my own advice. "Don't worry before you know for sure what's going on," I said. "Nodules in lungs are common. Worst-case scenario, it's serious but even if it were cancer, it's supposed to have a 92% cure rate if caught early."

Then I got off the phone, turned off the lights, settled into bed and cried myself to sleep. Or, not-sleep, considering as I'm still awake.

Worst-case scenarios are so haunting.

The worst case for me is to lose the ones I love and I don't know how to bear the thought. Thinking of the terrible thing never prevents the thing from happening nor prepares one for coping, but what are we to do in the face of such giant inevitable losses looming?

Abstract me would say "give back" -- maybe after a train wreck tears away part of your life, the only way to get it back is to lessen someone else's pain? But all I can think about right now is how hard it is to be human sometimes. Funny that I once thought the worst thing that happened to me was go through a divorce. Pssht. Silly girl.

I got 4 hours of sleep last night. I have got to get some rest and I don't know how.

So I will read, but not about lungs.

(Sent from my phone)

How NOT to fall asleep, but I never followed directions anyway

Ways to fall asleep:

-- Thinking of the man with the mischievous smile and infectious laugh that's kindof really become your favorite person to be around.

Ways not to fall asleep:

-- Looking up what it means to find an 11mm mass in a lung.

Spin the roulette wheel, guess which one! Whee! The options on Magic Stress Mountain are limitless.

(Sent from my phone)

Friday, July 18, 2014

The update I would never post on Facebook

Despite a healthy disrespect for overuse of muscle relaxants, my ass is always relieved to find that they do, in fact, seem to help for this recurring neck thing I've got going on. Except the price is high: I lose the entire outer shell of my persona and turn into a bag of organs. I have absolutely no ability to do anything other than metabolize.

The turn of events between late last night and today is almost comical.

I somehow tweaked an old injury helping a friend out of the emergency room last night when she stumbled and I grabbed her. The knot grew tighter and now I need to lift my head with my hands just to turn it from side-to-side. Then someone in the family called with possible terrible news, so there's that, and I'm still freaking out over my friend being sick because she was readmitted to the hospital today, and, to top it off, I may have food poisoning. Good times.

In the 20 minute window between doses (basically the only time I am capable of clear thought, and, not coincidently, also writing this), I scoured the internet for information on muscle injuries and wondered if I should fucking go to school to learn how to deal with this shit and then help other people with the fucking soft tissue/muscle injuries. So yeah, maybe that will be my new hobby.

Better take advantage of reading before the next dose kicks in. Peace out.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

A very different end to the day

"So you're writing a book of dating stories?"

"Yes, I'm maybe a third of the way through it."

"I hope I'm the last chapter."

(Sent from my phone)

Saturday, July 12, 2014

That time I tried to be a big fat jerk

I am an asshole. And I don't care.

I canceled this coming Sunday's date because he didn't reply to my last email, and I ended up reaching out to see if we were still on (don't make a girl do that, by the way), and he replied with a short (curt) "yeah," explaining that he can't play sports that day anyway (so he would have cancelled if he could have?) so I ditched the date. I need a guy to be enthusiastic about meeting me.

Not like this.
Then, tonight's first phone conversation with another potential date was so terrible that, when he finally asked about me (after I steered the conversation away from the counseling session it was turning into), I didn't want to answer because I never wanted to talk to him again after we hung up.

I still feel kindof bad about Home State Guy. Remember when I was having a rough week but didn't know why? It was because I was tied up in knots about both the idea of seeing him again and the idea of not seeing him again. Something about him made me uneasy and apparently having an anxiety attack is the body's way of forcing you to face your feelings. The only way I can do this dating thing is to be really up-front and honest.

The optimist in me says:

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The egg experiment, for busy-ass adults

I am sitting in front of my computer with a hoodie on to block the blast of arctic air streaming out of the ceiling duct above my desk from turning my head into a block of ice. At least for the duration of this post.

I want this to be fast so I can go play with some beads.

You know how in middle school (gotta catch 'em early), most kids get assigned the "egg" project? The goal is to liken an egg to a baby so youngsters could see the responsibilities of parenthood manifest before they hit puberty. For a week, you carried an egg around with you at all times. If you didn't have it with you, you must hire a sitter -- someone has to oversee the egg. It can never be left alone, not even for a minute. (Of course, the egg doesn't wail, demand strained beets nor spray unmentionables from various orifices so it's nowhere near the reality of having a baby, but for an 11-year old, the analogy sufficed.)

I want some certain someones to do an egg project, just for me. I want someone to pick up an egg, starting with when I wake up, and carry that egg until I get home. Then they can put the egg down until bedtime. During that tiny window that they are not holding the egg, everything they wanted to do that day can happen. Email BFFs? Make doctor appointments? Call Great Aunt Sally? Exercise?  Pay bills? Reevaluate retirement accounts? Flip through online potential boyfriend catalog & respond to messages? Paint toenails? Update cell phone OS? Go foodshopping? Blog? Work on side business? Eat dinner? Meditate? Fly through the air & become one with the universe? Socialize with new roommates so you don't appear antisocial? Fuck around on Facebook so you at least know what people you don't have time to see are up to? Fine. You've got a 1-2 hour window. Go.

It is exceedingly frustrating to stretch up against these limits of time. I just need to be understood.

This makes it difficult in the dating world, because I'm constantly meeting new people. I've even gotten really good at meeting upstanding people, thanks to being as picky as hell. No spark for the last batch, but still... really great guys I could see being friends with. But between family wanting attention and the folks whose company I adore & crave, I don't know where to grow all the new friendships.
"No, Thursday's out. How about never--is never good for you?"
And now my eyelid is twitching from staying up too late the last few days and I need everything to stop.

Plus I never should have taken on that free freelance job for a friend, but it seemed so easy. Like, I thought I could bang it out in 20 minutes.
Friend: Just use this graphic, but make it 200 pixels. Can you do that?

Me: Sure!

Friend (increasing scope after getting commitment): Oh actually we need an additional size too.

Me: Fine. Here you go!

Friend: Why did you use that graphic I sent???

 Where do people get all this TIME??