Sunday, December 21, 2014

The weeks have finally turned into months

I had been counting the weeks because I couldn't yet count the months. But now it's 2 months (only 2 months!) but we are wholly, irreversibly, amazingly, indescribably in love.

While on a trip apart pining away for each other, we recounted how we had only spent 2 whole weekends together. No wonder we're craving more time. Long swaths of time where we can tangle and gaze and do all the things that lovers do (that the Eurythmics crooned about) (sorry, terrible pun only relevant to 80s MTV fans!). (Puke? Or dance? YMMV)

Every day seems to bring with it a new level of connection or a heightened bond about this thing we stumbled into without even looking or trying, and it's growing even deeper and more beautiful than I could possibly have imagined.

Here's the thing about being in love: it doesn't erase past loves. It does, however, remove their power. I have this overarching sense of peace now, about everything. Even the things that once smarted. Gone is any longing or wistfulness and I really just feel genuinely happy and content. (Like, all the time!) I don't know how long the honeymoon period lasts, but BRING IT, girlfriend, because this is fucking awesome.

So. In. Love.

(Sent from my phone)

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The fridge debacle

So, I decided to sell my fridge on Craigslist instead of paying Sears $15 to remove it.  I thought this was smart. Not only will I not pay but someone will pay me! I am brilliant!

I found someone on eBay who sold the same exact model fridge for $650 and thought, "Pssht, I can do this!" The whole reason to buy a new fridge was because the difference was negligible and the new fridge would be a huge improvement. I had it all worked out.

I gave myself a week to sell it before the new one arrived, confidently posting the ad along with pictures.


Zero response to my ad.

I posted it again two days later, thinking something must have gone wrong. That never happens on Craigslist. There's a buyer for every possible item. I once sold a $2 recipe box. There HAS to be someone who will pay good money for this fridge.

No response to the reposting.

Day after day passed while the delivery date for the new unit inched closer and I began to fear I'd have to pay someone to remove the old one after all.

I began frantically lowering the price.

Still no takers.

Lowered more.

Still no interest.

I was running out of time. In desperation, I called every used appliance store in the area to ask if they would buy my fridge.

"Sorry, your fridge is a piece of shit," they all said. "We don't go near those."

How did a guy sell this thing on eBay for $650?!?

One friend advised, "Oh, appliances do better on eBay than Craigslist."

 I began looking into it and learned that the only difference was that I would need to freight-ship the fridge. What did that entail? Well, roughly $350 extra -- minimum-- I learned, and would require my own packing and "crating," whatever the fuck that meant.

I didn't really understand what was involved but it sure sounded a whole hell of a lot like dealing more with the fridge than the original plan of just holding open the front door while someone carted it away and handed me a wad of cash.

Fuckit, I thought. I'll just lower the price again.

It's STILL better than paying someone $15 to haul it away.

I lowered the price again and continued this downward spiral daily and STILL no one responded until the eleventh hour when I dropped the price all the way down to $150.

"Must go immediately," I wrote, realizing that while I'd already made several terrible mistakes about this whole situation, having a new fridge in the house while the old one arrived was not going to be one of them if I could help it, dammit.

A guy finally called. "I can come get it tonight."

I raced home from work and invited a friend to join me to fulfill Craigslist anti-serial killer protocols (per my dad's recommendations), paying for their dinner in exchange for gender protection. (Serial killers disguised as appliance buyers are less likely to dismember females in the presence of her friends; it's a well-known scientific fact.)

Appliance-buyer texted me. "Will you have someone around that can help me load the fridge into my truck?"

Ah, testing out the waters, I see. "Will there be anyone present to witness the chain-saw I'll be carrying?" (And specifically, will this person be strong enough to carry a fridge, meaning, will they be able to intercept the activation of the on switch for my chain saw? These are important questions for any buyer.)

"Sorry, someone will be here but they have a bad back," I replied, meaning, "Are you fucking kidding me, I'm practically giving this fridge away, there is no way in hell I am supplying you with an assistant, just get it out of my house!And know that 'back issues' will not prevent my bodyguard from wrangling your chainsaw away so save that for your next 'purchase'!"

"No worries," he politely replied. "I'll bring an assistant."

Now I felt better that this was a legit deal, since no one should show up to buy a fridge alone.

Appliance Buyer showed up a little while later, sans chainsaw. He was half my size and completely uninterested in changing that by obtaining extra protein from my corpse for nourishment, to my great relief.

Although he was slight, he and his assistant got to work and managed to wrangle a behemoth of an appliance the size of a small baby elephant out of my kitchen, into the hall and down a full flight of stairs to the front door. The whole escapade nearly sent my anxiety levels through the roof, especially when I saw them tipping the fridge over the top lip of the staircase so they could "slide" it down while "controlling" descent by parking themselves under it, pitting their tiny human muscles against the laws of physics and power of gravity.

"Please don't die, please don't die," I chanted in my head, as if that were a powerful enough invocation that would reach whatever god was on-call for the prevention of imminent death by crushing.

The two men managed to slide the fridge all the way to the front door and heaved it upright. I began to breath again. All seemed to be going smoothly.

Until the refrigerator got stuck in the front door.

I spent the next 2 hours sitting on the steps and watching the men disassemble both my front door AND the doors of the fridge while heat in the form of air molecules and dollar signs flew out the gaping hole where the front door used to be and disappeared deep into the cold winter night.

I started to feel so terrible at seeing this struggle that when Appliance Buyer finally finished and handed me $150, the agreed-upon price, I handed him back $50 -- I could not, in good conscience, take more. Let him use the $50 towards a chainsaw upgrade.
After they left and I was $100 richer, I surveyed the kitchen. I had emptied the fridge contents onto the counter and I could not bring myself to throw even a single bit of food away. I decided to store all of it outside in the cold overnight, with frozen veggies packing the cold items until I could bring everything to work, storing it in the work fridge until the new fridge arrived a few days later.

Satisfied at the conclusion of lessons events, I drifted into a deep sleep.

The next morning while rushing to work, I needed to brake suddenly, causing the bag of food in the back fling forward and all the food fly out. A half-filled container of chicken broth, which had been worth only $2 but I had been too cheap to throw out, upended onto the floor, saturating the carpet in  sticky, unappealingly-fragrant meat juice, which will probably cost $100 to clean; add that to the $15 cost of dinner for the bodyguard AND the heightened electric bill, and net proceeds now lean in favor of Sears removal.

Me: 0; Sears: 1.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014


"I don't understand how another man could let you go," he said, kissing me softly between my eyebrows. "I won't."

I hadn't brought up much detail about various aches from the past: leaving relationships, feeling unreceptive to love, or being the recipient of unreturned feelings -- you get exposed to the gamut of heartache if you're out there -- but somehow he got it. I mean, I was honest even if not long-winded. I guess you can read between the lines when the reply to "why did your last relationship end" was "he didn't have the same feelings about me that I had for him." But it's okay. The closest thing I may ever get to a Happily Ever After is feeling lucky to have loved.

And to try again.

Friday, December 5, 2014

This just happened

Friend: Hey, here's a link to build your own TV antennae! All you need is 4 metal coat hangers, 10 wood screws, 10 washers, a Balun UHF/VHF Matching transformer, 2 - 22inch strips of 18 gauge wire, drill, cutter, and basic mechanical aptitude.

Me: Thanks. Too bad I don't have any of those things!

Thursday, December 4, 2014


"What's different about this guy?" asked my friend. "If you had to pick one word, what would it be?"
I thought for a minute. How to describe this? In one word, yet?

"Connection," I said.

I couldn't resist adding more. "It's like we're very in tune with each other."
I paused, listening to myself. How lame that must sound. 
"I don't know how to describe it," I trailed off.
My friend knows me and is very supportive anyway. He knows this is unusual for me. "Yay, that's awesome!"
"Well it's still in the early stages," I said, suddenly protective about admitting my feelings.

How do you express that feeling when it just clicks? I think it's that we both "turn towards" each other similarly.
"People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.” 
"These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
What makes relationships work beautifully is both wanting the same thing. But that applies not just to similar interests and lifestyle but also to a similar amount of connection.
And this just feels so connected.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014


He sent me this today. That he *made*, because "I didn't see anything that said what I wanted."


Saturday, November 29, 2014

Wherever you go, there you are

So things have been humming along beautifully in this new wonderful relationship, now just 5 weeks but feeling very... different... than usual. So crazy about this guy, and no triggers, it's nuts. I've stopped trying to understand it and have just been basking in the light of his attention.

And then my phone died and suddenly everything was silent when I rebooted. No texts, no replies, nothing.

I was cool at first. "Oh maybe he fell asleep mid-convo. I should get some sleep too." I drifted into a sound, peaceful sleep of oblivion for the next 8 hours. When I woke, I still felt that sense of peace that comes from being in love.

"GM sweetie," I texted.


Well, maybe my cell company decided my unlimited plan should have a limit after all and it broke. I called and reached his voicemail, smiling when I left a message. He has the most amazing voice.

Still, crickets. Now I was starting to get worried. Was he in the hospital? Was there an emergency? Ohmygod I know. He doesn't love me anymore! That must be it.

A half hour later I'm sniffling into a box of tissues emergency-texting Relationship Crisis Friend (everyone has one), because the obvious conclusion is that something terrible is going on, of course. Rational brain is (not) rational!

Me: I'm having a moment.

RCF: What's going on?

Me <honking loudly>: I haven't heard from him since my phone died last night, this is so unlike him. What if there's been some kind of emergency? What if he's not okay?? Or maybe he's rethinking us. <SNIFF!>

RCF: Why would you think that?

Me: I dunno, just triggered I guess. About this time last year I dated someone for about 6 weeks and they seemed really into me until that switched off overnight. Although that situation wasn't like this. We hadn't gotten close.

RCF: He's not last year guy. Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be in touch.

Suddenly BF reaches out. Interrupts my crisis session. And it's fine, everything is fine, he's still the same amazing guy who seems to think this thing we're growing is the most amazing thing ever and I find myself relieved and sheepish. Wherever you go, there you are. I'm so much better, but I'll never toughen those sensitive innards.

I decided to confide that I'd been feeling vulnerable, but maybe only the tiniest bit so as not to scare him away. Like, leave out the part about the tissues. Maybe sound cavalier. "Yeah, I thought maybe you were in the hospital, or marrying someone else or something." Yeah. No big deal, right?

But he got it, all of it, even what I didn't say, and even when he couldn't even see me. He wrapped words around my heart tenderly like gauze bandages and a hug, and for a moment, the world melted away. <3

(Sent from my phone)