Monday, August 25, 2014


Dr: So how did you hurt this? 
Me [staring into the middle distance, not hearing him]:
Dr: Hello?
Me: Huh? Oh... um, I don't know.

JUST like this:

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Quick low-down

The good:

He's easy to talk to, sweet, accepting, nonjudgmental, astute, affectionate, stable, honest, romantic, emotionally available.

The reservations:

Seriously, is he dependent on alcohol? Why does he seem so nervous around me?

(Sent from my phone)

Saturday, August 16, 2014

A half-update

So, there appears to be a sweet connection developing between the cute alcoholic and I. My main reservation (I mean, besides the alcoholism) is that while he was very sweet in person, didn't really stay in touch much throughout the day. I couldn't tell if that was because he wasn't totally interested or if maybe I hadn't given him much to go on. So I reached out and he responded so warmly that I found my icy heart once again cracking open slightly.

Out of all the recent dates, I liked him best because he's fun, gentle, and there seems to be an honesty and frankness about him. (I hope I'm joking about the alcoholic part and that he only drank that much because he was feeling shy!)

Overly Effusive guy scared me with his effusiveness and the other one, the great date that started terribly is now friendzoned because he said some unkind things about his kids. If he could have an attitude like that about the most important people in his life, what would he be like to someone much more secondary like me? Dates are great for information gathering, finding out what kind of person they are. How people treat others speaks volumes.

I ended up taking my profile offline just to free up some more time. (Dating is very time-consuming!)

(Sent from my phone)

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Buddhism and Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart – Susan Piver

This is a really beautiful and different view on the vulnerability felt when your heart is hurting. Hold compassionate detachment towards your thoughts & feelings and allow them to exist without fighting them. Maintain awareness, love and acceptance of others without an agenda. Give love when you wish to receive it.

"With a broken heart, you see how vast your longing for love is and how impossible it is to make love safe. It's just not possible. So what do you do with these two truths? This is your path. No one can tell you how to reconcile them. The place to begin is by paying attention, by cultivating agenda-less awareness of yourself, others, and of the flow of life. When you do so, you start to notice that every single day, you are continuously cycling in and out of moments of falling in love and having your heart broken. Both are always present, shifting toward you and away, each one a tiny lesson on how to be fully alive."

(Sent from my phone)

The emptiness of being intangible

Self awareness is supposed to include the ability to foresee how you will feel in a certain situation.

Well, I demonstrated a remarkable deficit of this skill earlier today. It's comical. I thought I was totes over the Cyclist! So much for self-awareness as my superpower.
Brain: Pssht, it's raining men right now, move on girl! Home slice has another girl in the picture anyway, you don't want him anymore! Lunch will be easy.

Heart: Goddamn he's got the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen.
(Why did he have to fucking look so good? Dammit.)

But it's okay. I felt sad. It passed. I needed to know I still mattered. I pressed him at the end, despite my pride to appear strong. He always seems to know what to say to soothe me and he is always, always honest, and this makes all the difference.

I remember pining away over Aqua-Eyed Boy. I was stubborn then, because of my reverence for him as a person: I refused to shut down the friendship just because of a lil' ol' heart hurt. It smarted when he began to date new people but eventually something shifted and it became fine. I don't remember how long it took. But there's proof: I got over it. I did it before and I'll do it again

What I miss most right now is someone actually knowing me. I feel like all these new dates build me up in their minds. I'm a maybe, a hope. Not something tangible yet. So it doesn't feel real.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Pick-up artists suck and if you are following their advice, you're either going to be alone forever or stuck in a string of shitty relationships. There, I said it.

So, a guy friend of mine confessed he'd been reading up in the pick-up artist community about how to get women. My ears perked up. Pick-up artist community? There's such a thing? People giving advice on how to be a dick? There's a market for that?? So I looked up one of his sources and found this guy, who is not only annoying and arrogant, but also completely fucking wrong:

If a guy doesn't stay in regular contact, I assume he's not interested and let him go. In fact, among the current lineup is one guy I was going to cut loose (the cute alcoholic) just because he doesn't email me enough throughout the day. A girl wants to feel like she's on your mind. Homeslice, that's foreplay. It's the follow-through that really warms a girl's heart.

Also wrong: telling a girl you want don't want to just be friends. Some guy just did that with me. After only the THIRD date! Look, you're cute and I like you, but I hardly know you. Wanting all or nothing this early is too much too soon. I want to be friends so I can get to know you without pressure.

I don't know what's in that video guy's book but I'll tell you what girls want:
  • Seem really into us. We like good men who pay attention and appreciate us.
  • Seem really confident. Our primitive brains need to feel like you can take down a saber tooth tiger and protect us. If you appear nervous or insecure, it's a turnoff. How do you display confidence? Don't slouch. Take up space. A cobra expands to intimidate its foes (in hopes that it won't have to strike); lots of animals make their bodies larger to signify power and control in their environment, these cues apply for people as well. We're animals too.
  • Invest in us. Invest your resources in us like your time and attention. Make us feel special.
I mean, do those things IF you want a quality person. If you want someone who has some kind of attachment disorder, then fine, the games above will work, and you will win the girl and have a shitty relationship. Good luck!