Saturday, August 30, 2014

I have trust issues about guest rooms

I have trust issues about sleeping at other people's houses and being warm enough at night.

"We have a great guest room!" usually = a rock-hard bed, a paper-thin, stiff quilt (that not only isn't warm but won't even meld to the body), no light to read by and not a single box of tissues nearby.

People are woefully ignorant of the comfort of their guest rooms. They think simply having a spare bed makes the house suitably cozy for guests. So I brought my own blanket on this trip, I didn't even ask if it was necessary. But it stayed packed last night! As long as I was under the covers, I was warm (rest of the house is another story).

The bed does make weird noises every time I roll over, jolting me out of a fitful sleep and the door doesn't latch fully so I have to heave my overnight bag against it just to keep it from swinging open at random internals throughout the night, and I could hear someone brushing their teeth in the downstairs bathroom (no noise escapes the brittle hardwood floors), but overall (if you don't count the fucking million dreams I had about a certain someone I'm not supposed to write about), it feels awesome to be away.

(Sent from my phone)

Friday, August 29, 2014

Day 1

I'm sitting on an airplane with nothing in my lap but a bottle of water, a book and the will to change my life. Or at least my sappy, romantic outlook.

I cried last night because he hadn't written as usual and today just felt awful, all I could think about is him with the new person. So I was mining the internet for advice and one article said basically, if you are trying to get over someone, you need to cease contact. It's actually research-backed, this "method."

I hadn't done that with every ex and thought I could get away with not doing that here, with the Cyclist, the dude who has trumped every other fucking romantic possibility for 2 years now, but I am far too attached. And when I realized we hadn't been talking as much *anyway* -- and that was making it worse -- I just decided to take the bitter medicine that will heal me.

I've got my longterm future in mind more than my present comfort.

Consider today Day 1.

God, it hurts, but if it's what must be done, fine.

They say you can be in contact with an ex only when the idea of them being intimate with other people doesn't bother you. I'm there now with pretty much just about every other ex, just need to be there with this one.

So here goes. (Jumps off cliff!)

From now on:

-- No more writing about him.
-- No romanticizing him.
-- No writing to him.
-- I moved his contact info to a place where I can't see it.
-- No thinking about him.

Timing sucks but it's what I have to do if I am to move on. I won't be receptive to anyone as long as I'm hung up on someone else, so, Dear Future Boyfriend: I'm doing this for you.

Gates closed and in the air shortly!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Do not romanticize

Today was the first day in two weeks that my arrhythmia kicked my ass, and coincidentally the first day I'm also having a tough time emotionally. Maybe there really are hormones behind bitchiness.

I'm struggling to not be angry at everyone today ("everyone" being men I dated). There's a part of me that feels let down by various unkindnesses. But take away the protective veneer and really, I'm just hurting.

I could list all the things that are like little knives in my heart, but I don't think that'd be useful to either me or you, dear reader, so instead I will list a quote from an advice columnist, to remind me:

"Don't romanticize [a person's] inability to make up their mind [about you]. Already it has you plotting ways to make up his mind for him, i.e., to win him over, gah. That's sucking your mental energy away from the task of figuring out whether he's right for you, which is the question when you're dating. Whether you're right for him is his problem to solve. On top of that, getting swept up by the "real potential" of Mr. (or Ms.) Walls Between Us leaves you open to two types of people: manipulators and wafflers. You don't want either of these, no matter how "incredible" they may seem. -- Carolyn Hax

(Sent from my phone)

Monday, August 25, 2014


Dr: So how did you hurt this? 
Me [staring into the middle distance, not hearing him]:
Dr: Hello?
Me: Huh? Oh... um, I don't know.

JUST like this:

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Quick low-down

The good:

He's easy to talk to, sweet, accepting, nonjudgmental, astute, affectionate, stable, honest, romantic, emotionally available.

The reservations:

Seriously, is he dependent on alcohol? Why does he seem so nervous around me?

(Sent from my phone)

Saturday, August 16, 2014

A half-update

So, there appears to be a sweet connection developing between the cute alcoholic and I. My main reservation (I mean, besides the alcoholism) is that while he was very sweet in person, didn't really stay in touch much throughout the day. I couldn't tell if that was because he wasn't totally interested or if maybe I hadn't given him much to go on. So I reached out and he responded so warmly that I found my icy heart once again cracking open slightly.

Out of all the recent dates, I liked him best because he's fun, gentle, and there seems to be an honesty and frankness about him. (I hope I'm joking about the alcoholic part and that he only drank that much because he was feeling shy!)

Overly Effusive guy scared me with his effusiveness and the other one, the great date that started terribly is now friendzoned because he said some unkind things about his kids. If he could have an attitude like that about the most important people in his life, what would he be like to someone much more secondary like me? Dates are great for information gathering, finding out what kind of person they are. How people treat others speaks volumes.

I ended up taking my profile offline just to free up some more time. (Dating is very time-consuming!)

(Sent from my phone)

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Buddhism and Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart – Susan Piver

This is a really beautiful and different view on the vulnerability felt when your heart is hurting. Hold compassionate detachment towards your thoughts & feelings and allow them to exist without fighting them. Maintain awareness, love and acceptance of others without an agenda. Give love when you wish to receive it.

"With a broken heart, you see how vast your longing for love is and how impossible it is to make love safe. It's just not possible. So what do you do with these two truths? This is your path. No one can tell you how to reconcile them. The place to begin is by paying attention, by cultivating agenda-less awareness of yourself, others, and of the flow of life. When you do so, you start to notice that every single day, you are continuously cycling in and out of moments of falling in love and having your heart broken. Both are always present, shifting toward you and away, each one a tiny lesson on how to be fully alive."

(Sent from my phone)