Saturday, October 18, 2014

hearts everywhere

We haven't even kissed yet and we're kindof falling in love. Here's what's unexpected: I don't care. I don't care if it lasts a week, a month or never even gets out of the starting gate. I'm loving every second of the blissful connection with Conference Guy and we're talking about anything and everything and I'm not feeling shut down, like usual, at least not yet. Fucking awesome. The emotional connection is so easy! <3 <3 <3

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


Correction from last post: make that lingering on the verge of a torrid affair with one of FOUR amazing men. Omg!

(Sent from my phone)

Monday, October 13, 2014

Forecast unpredictable

I am on the verge of having a torrid love affair with 1 of 3 men (should I even call the 4th that I haven't yet met that a friend recommended, in this state? oy). My heart has softened just enough and I am feeling just reckless enough. It's a powerful mix. Each of these guys has something special that stands out.
Conference guy: green eyes and a pretty incredible emotional connection. Met him at a work conference a few weeks ago and we bonded over the world's most boring speaker.

Last year guy: met him when the Cyclist and I were stalled. On the second date, when he told me he liked me, I burst into tears (this makes guys feel awesome, by the way) because I wasn't over the Cyclist, so this got friendzoned before it even got OUT of the friendzone. But he gave me space and sometimes mailed me chocolate and  now I suddenly find myself thinking of him.

High school guy: honestly I barely remembered this dude when he friended me on FB a while back. Well, I posted something about being in my hometown recently at the hospital and he was all "oh hey, I see you're in the neighborhood! I'm 3 blocks away at a pub now, wanna stop by when you leave?" I only saw him for like, 20 minutes but his smile, oh my.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

What relaxing weekend?

This has been an especially trying coupla weeks.

I've been juggling it all like a motherfucker: medical crises, existential crises, physical limits pushed yet working like a machine, boss as fuck, getting everything done even when up at 3am texting my mom in the hospital and looking for houses and working on book idea and getting oil changes and attending workshops. It was a lot but I was HANDLING it.

Even when I found out my ex is having a baby and I cried and stalked the mother of his kid online (she's adorable, and Facebook, I both love and hate you) and poured my guts out into my diary, even that sucked but after I got it all out I was chill.
I was good, or at least not incapacitated, until the "conversation."

Mom: Hey, here's all the stuff that's wrong with you.

Me: Cool, hey, can we talk about something else?

Mom: Not really.

Me: How about we talk about what's NOT wrong with me?

Mom: Naw, that's not really how I roll.

[Talking happens, venus orbits the sun...]

Mom: So? This was good.

Me [rising from pit of despair]: Are we done?

Mom: One more thing. How would you like to have a family intervention? I'll call your sister and cousin and we can go over this again.

Me: Um, no thanks, I'm good.

Mom: Wait, why do you have low self-esteem? Go cheer yourself up! You don't watch enough TV.
So that happened.

Me to friend: She thinks everything I do is wrong. My job is wrong, my house is wrong, I'm not married yet, I don't have kids, etc.

Friend: Wait, what's wrong with your job?

Me: It's not down the street from her house.
If you've ever had a conversation with someone in an irrational state, there's one of two things you can do: try to make sense, or accept that no sense is ever going to happen.

Stress follows the first law of thermodynamics. The law of conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it merely transfers. Stress follows this law. If I did not take the ball of outstretched tension held out to me, it would stay inside causing the holder distress (on an already distressed system). Because she's going through a medical crisis and I'm not, I took the ball but hot damn!