Matthew Baldwin tweeted once: "Guy in front of me at the salad bar is assembling his lunch with the ease and speed of a man struggling through an LSAT exam."
If he hadn't said "guy" I would've thought he meant me.
Louis CK said recently "I'm within a 48-hour window of a diarrhea attack at ALL TIMES. Every outing must be planned according to the proximity of restroom facilities." Maybe he was the guy on line in front of the thrilled Mr. Baldwin.
I originally started this collection of diarrhea stories in my head. I am the pickiest freak on the planet with food. Meat on the salad bar? No. All-u-can-eat buffets? No. Deli meat 4 days old? Forget it. (Heck, deli meat in general is just gross.) Second serving of chicken an hour after dinner? Too many people breathed on it? Just bought it, not expired for a month but it smells weird anyway? I didn't see you wash your hands before touching it after you pet the dog? Wilted, slightly slimy lettuce? Rejected!
I'm not this way on purpose. I would love to eat off the floor. Life would be so much simpler if I didn't need to mentally calculate the location of every acceptable emergency bathroom within a 50-mile radius of my person. See, I was blessed with an extremely sensitive digestive system that, when challenged, exacts a revenge so complete that it will cause several deaths before allowing me to emerge reborn just a tiny bit wiser.
I am embarrassed to admit I have snuck away with my laptop to the, um, facilities. And there I would seek comfort by looking for stories of the similarly afflicted -- tales of abject misery, utter woe and deep regret over poor food choices realized too late. I've bookmarked my favorites but hell, I was inspired by LivitLuvit's TMI Thursday earlier today, "straight from the control room," (below) so I thought heck, why don't I just make a list so y'all can share.
I mean, dues WILL, and have been, paid by us all.
I should mention two important things:
1. I didn't write these.
2. They're extremely graphic. You've been warned!
"The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza."The internet's best diarrhea stories:
— Marc Ostroff
- Four plates of mac-n-cheese? BAD idea...
- Why one bag is woefully inadequate for the middle seat pivot
- It was the fish
- At Defcon 1? Heed the signs.
- Battle of the Asses
- Tales of Kathmandu
- Straight from the control room
(LivitLuvit's TMI Thursday post from earlier today)
Child's book on explaining diarrhea FAIL: The Moose with Loose Poops.