Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The present doesn't diminish the past.

He's asleep now, one arm draped over me as I'm typing out this embryonic blog post. I'm listening to him breathe rhythmically and falling more and more in love with each deep intake.

I'm so wild about this guy. 7 months now. Is that short? Is it long? I can't tell. It just feels right, whatever it is. There's no drama (thanks to my recent ex for teaching me that was even possible) and no issues, just a wonderful friendship, respect and love.

I posted a photo of my sweetie on Instagram recently and wrote a little snippet about how handsome he is. I wonder if his ex will see it. Maybe it's insensitive of me to gush in public.

I remember what it felt like to see someone affectionately refer to my my ex husband online. It has been a long time since he was "mine" so it should not have felt like anything but it was still weird at first, even though I was happy for him.

So I wondered, would his ex see that loving sentiment and feel... diminished?

I hope not.

I said something I somewhat regret in an earlier blog post. Something to the effect of never knowing love like this before. It's true, but as a person with the capacity to love deeply, I don't want to diminish the value of previous loves. Each are different.

What's different with my sweetie now is that we happen to want the same things: the same expressions of love, the same closeness, the same kind of connection, the same way of spending free time together, a similar way of life centered around each other. But other loves, and even likes, have mattered. We all matter to each other.

(Sent from my phone)

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Unrequited: Women & Romantic Obsession | Psych Central

I haven't read this book but this quote jumped out at me.

"You don't have responsibility for my heartbreak," she said. "This is what my heart has done. I didn't think I could feel this way again after losing my husband, and it's really good for me to know I can go to this place with someone."

(Sent from my phone)

Thursday, May 14, 2015


Me: "I like to watch Girls while working out."

Boyfriend: "Me too!!"

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Dear Prudence column (you can feel this one blowing up from way over here.)

I have a problem with how the wife in the below letter to Dear Prudence said she will (in an attempt to meet her husband's needs) "work on giving him more sex" -- because it sounds like sex is a commodity rather than a thing to be shared between the two of them. I can just picture her now, doing it but not looking like she's enjoying it, and then being resentful that that the simple act of allowing it to happen wasn't "enough."

Too many times I've heard people cite sex as an issue in the relationship but what they're really complaining about is the lack of connection. I knew someone who, when she got divorced, tried to answer the barrage of why's with the explanation that her husband never wanted to have sex. People were dismissive of this answer, saying, "it's ridiculous to rip the kids' lives apart for THAT, do you really need it that bad??" ("Can't you just get your rocks off in private?" was the heated implication.) 

What she *should* have said was, "I don't feel loved" (or otherwise indicate that their connection felt distant). That's the end result of not having sex anyway, and no one can argue that distance is sustainable long-term.


Q. Gave Husband Permission to Have Sex Outside of Marriage ...: My husband and I have been together nearly 20 years. Our sex life has dwindled to maybe once every two months because of my issues. I gave him permission to go outside of the marriage for sex, but I really didn't want him to have a relationship with someone else. Recently he came to me and said he has found someone and told me he can't have sex without an emotional connection. I feel betrayed and want him to not continue with it. I will work on giving him more sex. He says it's unfair to give him the OK and then take it back. I feel horrible but I didn't think this would affect me as much. I don't know what to do.

A: This is one of those hall passes that you can only give with the knowledge that it may result in the recipient making a complete break. Some people can separate sex from emotion and just tend to their physical needs. Your husband is not one of these people. Your telling him to seek sex outside your marriage has resulted in an unsurprising, but understandably distressing situation. At least give you husband credit for being honest with you. What can I say except that you two should march off to couples counseling where you will be with a professional who can help you hash out what you both want out of this marriage, or whether he wants out.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Everything wrong

What do you do when you have a day where you do everything wrong??

Everything wrong:

-- Allergies have decided to kick my ass, despite never having had major allergic reactions to anything besides cats, up until the time I unwittingly overexposed myself to their dander by living in a (previously) cat-infested home. (It was discovered later that the previous owner probably hoarded them and they used the carpeting in lieu of a litter box. Good times, that first home.)

-- So I haven't slept in 2 days because who can sleep when the business of nose-blowing is paramount? Ripping tissues out of a tissue box is a 24-hour occupation. No joke. When I finally did drift off, dreams of rivers of snot danced in my head. Needless to say, I woke up very refreshed.

-- I got to work later than I wanted and paid $3 for coffee because fuckit.

-- There is no food in this house that isn't disgustingly healthy. Goddammit.

-- Visualizing exercise isn't working.

-- I couldn't figure out how to remove a hyperlink in Excel so I took that opportunity to look up both my ex's new baby online AND my new boyfriend's ex online, just for extra shitty curiosity points. (The baby is cute and so is the ex and I only actually feel good about one of those things.)

-- I'm spending $2,000 in two days to have someone fucking install insulation so I don't have to live in what feels like a tent next February. And because I don't *have* that money (due to the numerous self-indulgent coffee splurges) I'm taking on a temporary roommate to help me pay for it. Intern X will be moving in at the end of the month. Better be worth it.

-- I miss writing. Maybe I don't need to lament about my love life as much as I used to but there seems to be no shortage of other shitty things I can tease out to make others feel great about their own lives.

-- My car is simultaneously flaking out on brakes AND making a noise, that, when I told my dad, he uttered the words "possibly the transmission" and I stopped hearing anything that came next because I was too busy calculating whether to trade it in, wait until it turned into a fiery ball of metal while zooming up the interstate, or court the latest batch of Craigslist serial killers (since the roommate search has finally concluded). Decisions, decisions.

Everything right:

-- I finally achieved the right shade of fake tan on my legs so I can wear a skirt without pantyhose and hide my spider veins.

(Sent from my phone)

Friday, May 1, 2015

Facebook statuses I hate

Why do people ask for medical advice online?? And it never seems to be just a request for a good doc or something innocuous. It always seems to be an emergency:

"Hey, my arm has been kinda gray and numb ever since it got ran over by a car, what should I do?"

"My dog ate a dark chocolate replica of the Eiffel Tower, will he be okay?"

"Ever since I hit my head, I black out. Should I be concerned?" (

"I've had this weird rash for 3 weeks, what do you think it is?" (This one someone asked me without even sharing a photo. Do you have ANY idea how many things could possibly go wrong with skin? I didn't, until a series of Google inquiries simultaneously revealed the futility of guesswork and the necessity of medical school.)

I realize people hate doctors but usually if you need to ask, something is wrong!

What kinds of Facebook statuses do you hate?

(They've probably covered it here! )

(Sent from my phone)