I explained my reasoning for bringing up such a serious note so soon:
In my line of work, we have something called "expectation management." That as long as you detail stuff out for people so they know what to *expect*, they're okay. It's when they expect something else and you don't deliver it that they get disappointed. So I guess I am hoping to offset any potential "delivery failure" scenarios because I don't want you to be disappointed in me. And even worse, take it out on thinking it's because you're not "enough". That's what I do when I'm rejected. Everyone does. Maybe it won't feel like rejection if you understand where I am.Then I wondered, well, what AM I scared of anyway?
A lot of things, it turns out. But I will just write about the practical ones for now.
I have loose plans this year. This is maybe the first time in my life that I don't WANT to think about next month, I'm really just taking it day by day. But I have goals.
I want to finalize the divorce, sell the house and come to a place of closure. Regain financial stability -- this entire process has slammed into my money tree, hobbling an 8 year record of no debt (feeling like just one in a series of consequences acting as penance).
I want to continue rebuilding my strength and stamina. I want my body back, dammit. And I don't mean "body" as in looking like a ballerina -- I'm not talking about looks. I mean that I want to own myself again. I want to have that sense of sinewy strength I used to feel when I was very physically active and sleeping didn't make me feel creaky and I didn't get winded running up long flights of stairs with a heavy backpack.
I want to keep drawing. I've been learning and I LOVE it. Practice is how we get better at things and I want this to be the year of creative pursuits.
I have a ton of exciting projects I'd like to dive back into. I'm redesigning my website. I'm thinking about starting up the interviews project again. I'm experimenting with photography. I have freelance clients that want work done. I'm freewriting aching memories of love and loss to prepare for weaving into a story someday; assembling the threads has been healing.
I'm overhauling a million things at once. It's REALLY HARD to do this when I come home a hungry husk of a person with only an hour or two to before unwinding for bed. So I've become guarded about these small dreams. I'm scared I won't know how to fit these things into a life that includes a relationship.
But yet, I like wondering about that special connection, and so I tentatively reach out time and time again.