Well, so okay, let me play with this a little.
What's the worst case scenario?
That he's not that into me.
|Like, this picture pokes fun but he's totally the most charming |
and adorable guy, women are always all over him.
|(it was this photo or some corny green-eyed monster |
thing, and well, I just couldn't go there.)
Well, okay, so what?
That is where my old nemesis, my suck, came in.
Suck... that's what you do.
Either he likes me or doesn't. It's not like I can DO anything about it. Why anguish over something I have no control over?
Early on, when we first explored a relationship, he told me, "You are my favorite!" Alarmed, I asked, "Out of how many others???" I told him I wasn't competitive and if he wanted the other girls, that was okay. It was not okay to have me AND the others at the same time (I mean, if we were on course to deepen our bond) but that's alright. He could have the others. And that's when he told me that was why he wanted me: because I was willing to give it up.
But somewhere along the way, feelings grew complex. And I didn't want to give it up anymore.
This is the kind of thing I wrote about earlier: how a sense of hope can act as a tether to the skittish. I don't want that. I don't want it for me and I don't want to do it to someone else. I had hoped the feelings were mutual. See? Hope. Which is unfair, because I wasn't just acknowledging my own feelings but now I had stakes on his too.
So I'm letting go. Whatever the outcome, it's okay.
There is a type of peace this brings.
"If my hands are fully occupied in holding onto something, I can neither give nor receive." ~Dorothy Solle
I still ache but we built a bridge and will ferry our friendship back and forth.
|We're friends, see?|
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .In other news, the divorce papers will be able to be filed soon.
The pain in that ending is resurfacing. I'm feeling raw and protective of my heart. I don't feel like dating anymore. I don't feel that sense of "seeking" anymore.
I signed up for an art class and a dance class though and those things are enough.
|I'mma find me a red door and paint it black.|