epic fat lip (and totally worth it)

It is 4:24 am and I just got home from his house...

HWSNBN
(He Who Shall Not Be Named)

...And I have a fat lip from our epic makeout session.

It looks awful. My face is blotchy and red and chafed and I have sex hair (despite not having sex) and I'm pretty sure no one seeing me like this would ever call back for a second "date" (though it wasn't a date), so I may never see him again. But it's weird. I have this wonderful sense of peace inside anyway.

I don't really understand why. I mean, if you know me in real life or have been following this blog (hi sis!) (<-- my only reader, lol), all I talk about is how I have trouble getting close. Either I worry that I'd be sensitive to feeling used or there's some other perceived obstacle, so, as much as I love affection, I seem to stave off most opportunities.

And this is doubly unusual considering that one of my last posts was inspired by one woman's divorce story and how she gave up the dating game. "Chasing relationships down had not worked; it was time to put down my butterfly net," she wrote. I didn't include the part of that goddamn story which said she found someone the instant she stopped looking because I thought it was stupid, but here I am, 4 days after renouncing the whole process and I am grinning like a madwoman with grape-sized lips.

(Like this, but increase the lower lip by 300%)

One of my girlfriends was in a play recently and wrote about the glorious luxury of kissing her costar and I thought heh, wish that were me, but too bad -- I will NEVER be on stage, ever. Sucks to be me! No kissing for me evar again! But then, tonight? It felt like I was in a fucking movie. Where the guy is all awesome and does everything right and I'm free of the stuff that usually swirls around my head because it's a MOVIE. I can relax. And you know what? That's pretty sweet.

I'm not sure how to reconcile all this with the complicated feelings about my love life in general but for some reason, it doesn't feel like I have to. It can just be. And so it was. And it was awesome.

cupcakes!!

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EPILOGUE