that's it.

The "closure" conversations may be the most painful conversations of all. Because you abandon all hope at the door. It's over. It's really over. It's never coming back.

But they're also the most merciful.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.”
― Pablo Neruda

Aight, I'll talk about it.

Aight, I'll talk about it.

I don't feel like going into huge detail about the incident, but basically I came across something from an ex that seemed to rub the message "I'M SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!" into my face and it hurt so bad I spent most of yesterday morning trying to extract a knife from my windpipe. Which is decidedly not a fun way to spend a Friday.

But this isn't a NEW shitty feeling. It's happened a zillion times before. It comes accompanied with the horrible, awful, no good, very bad feeling of rejection. The "I'm not good enough but ________ (<-- insert prettier, bustier, more charming, etc. girl here) is" (because THEY are together, and WE are not). See? PROOF.

Even though the incident turned out to not be what I thought, I still need to examine this frailty of mine. Because the underlying issue is the same: how wrecked I get at the idea that someone I still love is intimate with another.

I've been trying to shift my perception of rejection since it triggers so much hurt and imagine it instead like a sweater.

If I try on a sweater, maybe I LOVE it, right? Maybe the knit is perfect! Maybe I'm excited about it but oh no, it's summertime and too hot.

Or maybe my arms are too long or it's too tight in the shoulders.

Does this mean the sweater sucks? Or I suck? No, it's just not a good fit.

If I could think about relationships this way, wouldn't that be freeing? Instead of me automatically assuming I'm not good enough. I mean, aren't we all trying others on to see how we fit? Some matches are better than others?

Until I figure this out, it's going to keep stinging for the rest of my life. Because everyone I love, or once loved, is going to either be with me, or be with someone else, and since there's only one BF at a time for me, this is a long string of people to torturously imagine having sex with other people.

I think the key is to love yourself so much and so hard that you take care of yourself. You fail and fall and fight and get the fuck back up like the line in this poem (towards the end):



And I will say: you are beautiful. And I love you so much.

I don't want to talk about it.

"If you talk about pain, people will think you’re in pain." Penelope Trunk

I don't want to talk about it, then.

I'll be brief. This is the kind of day I had:

Lady Gaga's shitty "Pokerface" lyrics (though yes, I still adore that song)

Driving home listening to Lady Gaga's Pokerface, it struck me just HOW shitty the lyrics are.

"Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start
And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart."

Here, love is a game and the ultimate power is to possess someone's heart. Then what? Stomp on it in stilettos? Make him forever long for you? Longing is power. We are such a fucking power-hungry species.

Then I contrast that to Jack Johnson's Cocoon.

"But you're bound to win
'Cause if I'm betting against you
I think I'd rather lose."

Sad lyrics of resignation: I love you too much to fight you pulling away.

I don't want power in love. It might be true that the person who loves less controls the relationship, but the one who loves more can allow themselves to feel more joy.

Sharing hearts is a gift and how lucky am I to have loved.... and it takes a not insignificant measure of awareness and strength to recognize when the balance is uneven and let go.

Ouch. (AKA why you should listen to what he says, because he's right.)

Ouch. And boy, @hilarityinshoes has good taste. She pointed out the below blog post and it's so amazing I'm not even linking to it quietly but rather devoting a whole post to it:

"This situation is one of the only times in life that a person will look you in the eye and tell you, outright, that if you stick around, he’s going to screw you over. This is one of the only times in the course of your entire adulthood when someone is going to tell you he has no good intentions where your heart is concerned; that this is going exactly nowhere. This man is doing you a favor. You should be grateful. But no. You don’t see that. You see a challenge. You think you’re gonna change this man’s mind."

More -->

Friending a blogger

Why it can be dangerous to friend a blogger:

"So, I have this big adam's apple, right? And so I'm a little sensitive to it being crushed. And so, this one time..."

"OMG can I blog about this?"

hard lessons

What I learned growing up with someone in the household who can be excruciatingly difficult:

The amount of love someone has for you doesn't influence how they treat you or if they do terrible, hurtful things. They can still love you deeply and yet, in their damaged way, act incorrigibly.

The good thing about realizing this is how much less power it has. Because it's so easy to think "I must be a horrid person to deserve such treatment" -- especially when you know they're capable of such goodness too.

But pain makes people do dreadful things and, well, sometimes you're just in the crossfire.

fields of gold

I had a dream once when I was married, in the early days when I thought I was happy, and my dream disturbed me. I was running through a field with someone else and we loved each other. And suddenly I realized my life was completely different. Who was this boy I loved? Where was my beloved husband? Whose life was I living? What happened to the life I had? How could it just disappear? I didn't know what to make of the dream then but today that once-disturbing image symbols, in a very abstract way, a sense of hope now. Maybe one day I will find love again. Maybe there will be a sense of deja vu and we will run through fields of gold.



I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We will walk in fields of gold.

Bring it!

This past year I moved 3 times, tried to get over a broken heart, had one almost relationship that lasted 4 months, shut down romantically, dealt with the aftermath of my failed marriage, sold my house, learned to draw, took beginner ballet lessons, started a business, paid off debt accrued from the pending divorce, took up yoga, went to GA, VT, NC, NY, NJ, PA, and FL. I fell -- for a brief moment -- into a near-stranger's arms (hint: exude the right immunoglobulin protein markers in your pheremones, make me laugh and be my penpal for months and you could be next! lol). I also intercepted a streetfight, did an odd interview for a TV show, carried (with help) someone passed out drunk to their ride home, learned to shoot a gun, shifted to an early morning schedule, and played my keyboard for the first time in years.

This has been a year out of my comfort zone.

Reflecting back is at times embarrassing, shameful, painful, joyful and peaceful.

So I have one New Year's resolution: take better care of myself.

I made it broad on purpose. Because everything I want to do falls under this giant umbrella.

Physically, I mean to spend an hour a day devoted to my well-being -- and this can be stretching or even a massage if I feel super shitty -- but mostly I mean to work the fuck out. It's about establishing a habit. I'm giving myself an out for days I'm sick or down so it'll be easier to keep this appointment with myself.

And emotionally, I mean for this to translate to not DOING things that make me feel shitty.

Noticing how many girls an ex has friended on their last club outing feels really crummy. Reaching out to a crush without an equal and positive response feels shitty. Berating myself for my frailties feels really shitty. I don't really want to feel this shitty all the time anymore.

So. 2012. The year of taking better care of myself. And not doing things that make me feel shitty.

Bring it!