Sunday, March 8, 2015

fleeting

I believe it is possible to feel without those feelings defining you. That you can even go into darker places, acknowledge them, and return back to a sunny nature. That a sunny nature doesn't imply life has been perfect or that limitless joy abounds but just that I usually feel pretty good. I'm blessed with an extraordinarily easygoing disposition so I'm happy. I roll with things.

That being said, two things came up for me tonight after spending time with Amazing Boyfriend's adorable kids.

1. It's heartbreaking, in some way, to remember what it felt like when my parents divorced and then later began new lives with new people. Negotiating that was tough. And now they'll have to do that. The only reason I get the joy of experiencing their company is precisely because they've been through a hard time, and I'll be part of that by default.

2. I'm not ever going to know what it's like to be a parent. That's mostly okay, you know, but sometimes makes me sad. I wanted a family once. It didn't happen for myriad complex reasons when I was married and it's not going to happen now, at this stage of my life. I don't even want it enough to "make" it happen. The sadness is fleeting and I can deal with it. But let me mourn the loss of a dream for a bit, for now.





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2 comments:

  1. KierMarch 9, 2015 at 1:01 PM

    Right there with you on point 2. :(

    As far as point 1 goes, the trick, as I've seen it play out for numerous people, is that when things do work out, that "bad" bit in the past gets a lot less sad than it was. It's still not the greatest bit (though, sometimes, it turns out to be a pretty darn good thing in retrospect), but it's the event that opened up the door to new wonderfulness.

    Of course, I have no experience whatsoever with that side of things. My immediate family is pretty amazingly stable and both my parents and my grandparents have been married a really long time...

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  2. aspleniaMarch 9, 2015 at 3:25 PM

    Aww thanks for chiming in for that fistbump in solidarity. Yeah, point 2 isn't rare or unusual and I know I'm not the only one to have experienced this, and I even know lots of people with kids who still mourn the loss of a dream because the reality isn't always what was hoped. Life experience goes in a million different directions. But thanks for that, I think the best we can all do is be there for each other.

    Good point about adversity -- maybe there'll be some positives that can come out of that someday. Just hard to see kids (or anyone, really,) having to struggle.

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