I believe it is possible to feel without those feelings defining you. That you can even go into darker places, acknowledge them, and return back to a sunny nature. That a sunny nature doesn't imply life has been perfect or that limitless joy abounds but just that I usually feel pretty good. I'm blessed with an extraordinarily easygoing disposition so I'm happy. I roll with things.
That being said, two things came up for me tonight after spending time with Amazing Boyfriend's adorable kids.
1. It's heartbreaking, in some way, to remember what it felt like when my parents divorced and then later began new lives with new people. Negotiating that was tough. And now they'll have to do that. The only reason I get the joy of experiencing their company is precisely because they've been through a hard time, and I'll be part of that by default.
2. I'm not ever going to know what it's like to be a parent. That's mostly okay, you know, but sometimes makes me sad. I wanted a family once. It didn't happen for myriad complex reasons when I was married and it's not going to happen now, at this stage of my life. I don't even want it enough to "make" it happen. The sadness is fleeting and I can deal with it. But let me mourn the loss of a dream for a bit, for now.