Friday, September 23, 2011

this isn't really the blog where I pour out rainbows, so...

I am annoyed with myself today. Me and my goddamn self-absorbed blog, like anyone gives a shit about my stupid love life or inner turmoil. I mean, to be fair, I started the blog for *me* because I like having a record of where I've been emotionally, but I look back and it's fucking embarrassing sometimes. It's so obvious that I am lost and confused and struggling. That's human, yes, but also annoying. I mean, get yourself TOGETHER girl, right? Just fucking be normal, right?

This has been a shitty week. But then again, this isn't really the blog where I pour out rainbows, so despite my annoyance with my petty life, I'll continue.

The past two days, my ex (the 17-year relationship one) and I have been writing, for the first time in about a year and a half. I mean, we'd been in curt business-like contact about the house sale, tax stuff and pending divorce this whole time but haven't talked about the breakup. Until now.

Don't do this.

Wait, we're "writing"? More like frothing. It's like one big giant purple Barney song gone terribly wrong. "He hates meeee, I hate himmmm, la la la la la..." Or Spongebob kung fu fighting.

He's still angry, I'm still defensive and the pain is still so great. Could we ever heal enough to have a productive exchange? Actually it feels like we're making some headway but there's so much wrong that I don't know how much could be accomplished.

He used to be my best friend. I mean, I could understand his entire state of being with a single grunt. I haven't seen him in 1.5 years but I have seen pictures on his blog. Even worse then seeing his new beau is being struck by the deep sadness in his eyes. He smiles there but I can see a core of pain in those eyes and it about breaks me.

The timing is awesome too. I've been sick this week with a terrible sore throat that has prevented me from consuming more then 12 calories a day as the only method I've got for food intake is swallowing (no tube yet) and I just haven't perfected my serrated knife slugging skills. Tack on a crying fit and yeah, I feel GREAT.

But here, I'll try a stupid exercise. They say to list the things you're grateful for? Okay:

  • Friends who get me and lend support. <3<3<3
  • That a small line of communication was opened here, maybe it will be healing in some small way.
  • Maybe I'll lose weight because I can't eat!


  1. Glad u guys r taking, I think it will help w u'r healing.

  2. 1. You don't have to pour out rainbows. You are under zero obligation for that. And as a reader, who wants rainbows (almost typed rainblows) all the time anyway? A little bitching and moaning is good for the soul.

    2. I give a shit about your inner turmoil. It's why I read your blog. You make me feel less crazy.

    3. I've never frothed with anyone, but only because I don't have anyone to froth with; I would assume it's unpleasant. I am sorry there's frothing. The only frothing you should be experiencing is at Starbucks.

    4. It's just never, ever easy to see them with someone else, is it?

    5. You're not responsible for his pain. The pain you see in his eyes is his alone, and only he can remedy it.

    6. I am sorry you are sick. I was sick the other week, and I was a big vagina about it. Being sick is just the worst, especially when you're alone. Get better soon. XOXO