I pulled one of my guy BFFs aside today to ask him the questions I couldn't ask the Cyclist.
Why? Is it that I am fatter or not pretty enough or am I too easygoing and thus not opinionated enough?
Why am I so unlovable? And why am I even going there? Why do I suck so hard, not just at fucking dating, but at obviously being strong and not giving a fuck?
I guess I will never be the person who doesn't give a fuck.
I need someone who knows this dark, awful, cold place but I am too ashamed of my feelings to reach out right now.
I hate our society that worships the kind of beauty I will never have. I hate that I struggle with so much. I hate that life looks so easy for so many people.
How to keep your heart open when it breaks:
"Siena picked up their stiff little bodies and held them to her heart. She kissed them on their teeny lips and said, “You were so loved, little raccoons. I’m sorry you didn’t get to live very long, but one little girl loved you.” http://lissarankin.com/how-to-keep-your-heart-open-when-it-breaks
Permission to break my heart:
"And I told Siena that some day, someone she loved, someone she gave permission to break her heart... might break her heart, and she might feel just like she did now, like she didn’t want to give anyone permission to break her heart again. She might want to shut down her heart so it wouldn’t hurt like it did today.... And she said, “No, Mama....When you fall in love, you should leave a little crack in your heart, even when you feel like you should lock it. And that way, the right person can always sneak in.”" http://www.owningpink.com/blogs/owning-pink/permission-to-break-my-heart
Dear Cyclist,To those I tried to love: I am sorry it didn't work out. But one tiny girl cared for you.
Thank you for:
- Introducing me to some nice music (Floating Men)
- Making me feel appreciated for a short while
- Being good company
- Introducing me to the fun HBO hit Girls
- Being thoughtful and generous
- Sharing your stuff & space so freely
- Treating me wonderfully anyway
Someday I will try again. I don't know when, but some day.