Tuesday, December 13, 2011

why I will suck as your girlfriend.

So, I went on a date tonight with a guy that was REALLY great but zero chemistry. So, if it comes up, how do I tell him? Rejection SUCKS. I really hate hurting people's feelings. It needs to be a FIT and not a feat. Plus, so much is subjective. Like, the things I think that make me suck as a girlfriend might be fine for someone, and the things that would make me an awesome girlfriend might drive someone else nuts.
For example:

Why I will suck as your girlfriend

  • I have a terrible sense of direction and if you thrust a map at me while we're passing an exit and exclaim "IS THIS THE ONE???" I will refuse to even GLANCE at it unless we pull over and I have enough time to figure it out. 0.03 milliseconds is not enough time.
  • I've got "back." (Pinch it if you don't believe me! Or, uh, actually, please don't.)
  • I like a lot of affection. If you text me "hi beautiful" I will melt inside and be especially lovey when I see you next.
  • I'm really sensitive and don't take criticism well. If you hate something about me, you'll have to be extra-diplomatic about voicing it. I'm not saying you have to LOVE, say, every errant nose hair, just be tactful. "YOU'RE FAT" is not going to be received well, even if true. Likewise with "YOU'RE STUPID" and "YOU SUCK" or even the literary distant relative "RELAX!" -- it's true that it's not what you say but how you say it.
  • That being said, I want honesty above all else whether or not the message is painful. If you're not into me anymore, tell me. If you don't, I will listen to what you don't say and break the fuck up because I'm big into actions speaking louder than words and I don't like passively waiting for the end.
  • I spend a long time getting ready in the morning: I need an hour to tame my mane and feel presentable.
  • I like to get dolled up. Yes, I wear makeup. (How MUCH is subjective: I think I wear a lot but most people don't even realize I have any on at all.)
  • I need to eat every 3 hours. If you can go 12 hours between meals and will look at me while I'm eating a pear like, "THAT'S why you're fat," then it's not going to work. I don't eat much, but I do eat often.
  • I won't really nag you about your food choices but I will notice and be secretly thrilled if you eat healthy. If you eat especially horribly, like nothing but fast food, it probably won't work long-term. I am pretty health-conscious.
  • I may nag you to stay in touch with your family IF you confess you wish you did and then I don't see you acting on it.
  • I might be difficult to read sometimes, usually because I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling. I will hope you can understand me anyway. If you ask me what I'm thinking, I will try to tell you though it might make me tear up. I won't say everything is fine if it's not.
  • I will never be able to order quickly from a menu.
  • I do not have the kind of fancy red nails that look sexy gripping your cock. Sorry. Plain hands here. I paint them SOMEtimes but not that often because I can't deal with the maintenance.
  • I can be easily distracted.
  • I like time alone.
  • I hate foodshopping.
  • I hate to cook. I WILL, and I can even be good at it (sometimes), it just feels like a waste of time. (See "I hate foodshopping" above.) I'd rather be writing! :)
  • I'll want you to accept the struggles I've gone through and not judge me for them.
  • Strange things turn me off. If you don't take care of yourself that well, I'll notice.
  • I look especially AWFUL in the morning. If you need a trophy girl, I'm not it. I doll up IN SPITE of the hideousness, not to enhance it.
  • I am really busy. I will want to hang out sometimes while we are each doing our own thing. If I don't think we can do that, I will not want to hang out much.
  • I won't do your laundry. And no ironing. Shoot, I don't even iron my OWN clothes.
  • I have a weird family. Get togethers might be trying for you and I will hope you can try really hard to enjoy them anyway. I won't shove them down your throat but it would be so much less stressful for me if you looked like you were rolling with it.
  • I won't know enough pop culture references or enough about history. I was isolated growing up and didn't absorb what I should have. Now today am making up for lost time.

Why I will rock as your girlfriend

  • I will purr affectionately all around you when we're near. I probably won't be able to keep my hands off you.
  • When you're sick, I'll make you chicken soup and rub your back and be extra nurturing and doting.
  • I'll buy you presents sometimes just because I'm thinking about you, like a Newsweek if it has a story I think you'll find interesting or a teeshirt if I think it'll make you laugh.
  • I'll treat you out to dinner sometimes because I will enjoy making you feel special.
  • I am honest and will not lie to you.
  • I am faithful. My general rules: I won't date your friends if we break up, I won't talk bad about you even if I'm hurt, I don't stay mad or hold grudges so friends (once my broken heart heals) is cool. Because if I really care about you, I'm not going to stop just because the relationship is over. I will probably remain your biggest advocate, even if you never know how much I still silently root for you.
  • I will never snoop all up in your grill. I never have and never will read my man's email, look at his facebook while he's logged in, go through his drawers, look in diaries, look in wallets, look at bank statements, access phone, etc. and I expect the same back. I've been lucky to have very open relationships with a lot of trust this way. If I felt like I *wanted* to snoop (I never have), that would be a sign to me that something was going wrong with the trust aspect and thus we need to talk, not that I need to snoop. So yeah, I honor your privacy implicitly..
  • I don't nag about housework. I actually LIKE cleaning so I don't mind pulling more weight here. Maybe you could pull more weight and do more outside yard stuff since I hate that. Compromise is cool. But I will want you to have general neatness skills.
  • I'll be your best friend. Great love is enhanced by an even greater friendship.
  • I'm not a club girl but I am very social. I can talk to almost anyone about anything and have an awesome time.
  • I will probably like your friends and family. I'm easygoing and a people person and find the good in everyone.
  • I will want you to spend time however you enjoy. If it makes you happy, it'll make me happy.
  • I'll like exploring together.
  • I don't watch TV. In almost 17 years with my ex, I almost never touched the remote. You could put on whatever you want.
  • I'll keep your secrets forever and never tell anyone. Shoot, I'm still holding a secret my sis told me when I was NINE. I am open about me but ONLY me.
  • I can be madly silly.

Now see, any of these things might be dealbreakers to someone. See how subjective this is? People fit or they don't. (Or maybe a better way to phrase this is that they might, and so they see.) But so much has to fall together and it's so much less about their worthiness than my own odd makeup. I don't know how to convey this. "It's not you it's me" is so true and yet so cliche. This was only one date and yet I'm wracked with how to communicate this gently. And I have 2 other dates this week and a couple next week -- all these new people, we're all going to have to reject eachother at some point. How does everyone DO this?


  1. I think at the top of your list of "why I would be an awesome girlfriend" should be "I am totally self-aware and know what I want and need." A HUGE plus!

  2. Great blog! Honest, clever and great writing - always a good combination.
    I felt 'obliged' to check it out since we have the same taste in Homer... :)

  3. What the Non-Student said! It's great to know yourself so well! Hard part is to STICK WITH IT when the dude is in your life (as in not losing yourself) Great post!