- The Diamond in the Rough: No, because you were dressed zhlubby and didn't pay for me. I'm sorry, but the total bill was $11. I offered to pay because I'm not actually a money-grubbing bitch, but a lady is always charmed by a gentleman.
- The Terrified guy: No, because you looked terrified of me the entire time. I'm not really a terrifying person. I'm actually pretty nice. Really, it's okay, you can just relax and enjoy the date.
- The User: No, because you told me about all the other dates in which you slept with the women and then never called them again and I don't need to take a ticket for that queue.
- Supreme Judge & Ruler of the Universe: No, because you were boring and mean and all you did was criticize how fat everyone was and make fun of your last date.
- The Thoughtful Creep: No, because you said on your profile that you were 5 inches taller than me but you forgot to include the negative sign because you were actually shorter than my nephew was when he was 12. Rule #1 is the woman cannot feel like a big-boned, acromegalic neanderthal next to the man. That is a decidedly unsexy feeling. Also, you texted me at 5am to "wake me" after our first date. That is a really nice boyfriend gesture... and a really creepy first date one. If I feel like I might have to get a restraining order, that's generally not a positive sign.
- Mr. I Hate You: No, because you couldn't stand where I live, everything I stood for and the fact that I don't drink milkshakes. (But at least this was a mutual "No" and the guy never contacted me again.)
- The Runner: You seemed cool but we were too terrified to eat around each other, and I just don't think starvation is a healthy "together" activity.
- The Inappropriate Jazz Man: No, because you almost married a friend and then, when this fact was revealed, backpedaled. (Actual conversation: Me: "I don't feel comfortable dating an ex of a friend." Him: "A relationship does not an ex make!" Um, call it whatever you WANT but the bottom line is NO.)
- Mr. "But We Lead Separate Lives Now": No, because you're still living with your "ex."
- Mr Charming: No, because in addition to living with your "ex" too (geez, is this really common or something??) you mentioned, "I'm really trying to stop smoking so much pot."
Prospective Date #2: No, because you said you were into writing bloody horror stories and, I dunno, do you get your inspiration from your dates?
Prospective Date #3: No, because I had to assemble a team of interpreters to analyze your email because it was completely incomprehensible. I was two steps away from forwarding it to a mental hospital for an intervention.
Prospective Date #4: No, because you sounded like Bill Clinton on my voicemail and all I can hear is "I did NOT sleep with that woman!" As charming as he is, Bill Clinton is just not my type.
There's more, but most are too "meh" to mention!
Yes, dating is very, um, educational.