it's NOT fine.

Hey, a new day! The good news is that my terrible moods seem to abate with sunrise.

It helped that he texted me that he missed me.

I still don't know what to do about the mixed messages thing.

What I've learned though: If someone is acting funny but they say "everything's fine," everything is NOT fine.

However, it could be:

• Everything is not fine but they wish it was.
• Everything is not fine but they're not comfortable talking about it right then.
• Everything is not fine but it will be fine soon enough.
• Everything is not fine but they haven't exactly put their finger on what's wrong and so talking about it feels premature.
• Everything is not fine but it doesn't really have to do with you.

Stonewalling, which I wrote about in my last post (and is part of #9 in Dr. Gottman's lowdown on shitty communication techniques), is when people shut down, when they don't want to talk about what's not fine. But if you think about it, there's a reason. It's usually because talking about it doesn't feel safe.

Why wouldn't it feel safe? Well, maybe there's a worry that the other person's reaction will be unpleasant -- maybe they'll be angry or hurt or cry or some other reaction that doesn't totally feel comfortable. Or maybe that's happened so often in the past that it's just a natural reflex now, almost unconscious.

"95% of a person’s emotional reaction is to their history and 5% is to the event that triggered it." Al Turtle

They say it takes about 20 minutes for the adrenaline that is released when in an alert, guarded state to clear out of the body once the trigger goes away.

It'd be good for me to not internalize this though. Because that doesn't do either of us any good. If a FRIEND shut down, I might be like "oh bubbie, what'sa matter?" And be all extra nurturing. That feels much nicer for both of us, eh?