The Armful, by Robert Frost

For every parcel I stoop down to seize
I lose some other off my arms and knees,
And the whole pile is slipping, bottles, buns --
Extremes too hard to comprehend at once,
Yet nothing I should care to leave behind.
With all I have to hold with hand and mind
And heart, if need be, I will do my best
To keep their building balanced at my breast.
I crouch down to prevent them as they fall;
Then sit down in the middle of them all.
I had to drop the armful in the road
And try to stack them in a better load.

Guest post (anonymous)

Girlfriend: Stoner Dude not only hasn't written back but he hasn't even read my messages. How weird.

Me: Maybe he got arrested and can't get to his account.

(This won't be funny to anyone else but us but I just laughed my ass off at that.)

The following is an anonymous submission:
........

Well, it was Christmas eve and the very first one spent all by my lonesome. Ever. What better thing to do when you are lonely but to see all the other lonely people out there? Misery loves company after all. I started with craigslist but that shit is just damned creepy with all the PENIS photos.

How the fuck can dudes post up their erect cocks on fucking craigslist?

Seriously? I can't cross post too many FOR SALE posts of a sink basin I want to get rid of but some dude can post his cock up and nobody in craigslist management blinks twice about that.

So craigslist was out before it was even in.

I typed in "personals" in some search engine and saw one for "zenfully-minded people," whatever the fuck that means. Why not.

Now I get a shot of sake because it's cold as hell in my house and I'm alone and don't judge me.

I start a search for men looking for women, women looking for men, women looking for women, men looking for men. I'm up for anything tonight.

Except you can't fucking search without getting a fucking free membership. What the hell, the rice wine says.

I plug in some half-hearted gibberish and then a photo of some landscape of where I live and off I go. Then PING! someone winks at me. The message says, "Why don't you post up more photos?" OK, that's kind of strange but I can't write back because I have the free membership which means I can only look but can't touch. I mean write. So I move along and keep reading.

PING again. Same dude, similar but different message. I look at his profile now because I want to see what he looks like.

Well, if he's really posting up a real photo of himself, he's not half bad. Kind of cute in a Miami-Vice way, sort of. So what the hell. It's Christmas eve and I'm fucking doing this shit anyway so I post a head shot.

PING: "Please post up more photos?"

Really?

So I post up another and then an email message. I don't know what happens but we start talking. (Yes that means I blew 20 bucks so I could write this guy back.) But the conversation is pretty light and funny. And I'm finding that I'm enjoying myself.

Fast forward the next day and I'm relaxing doing my own thing. PING. A message in my inbox. Miami Vice dude wrote me again.

I go about my business and now another dude PINGS me saying that he'd like to meet me. We start chatting. He's a 50 year old dead head. (Which is pretty normal for the place where I live.)

A fine specimen, yes indeed.

I'll wear something so you
can recognize me!

He tells me he's very grateful for the chats and wishes that we can be friends no matter what. Says he wonders if I might want to go to brunch with him. "I'd love to meet you and wonder if you might want to go to brunch with me tomorrow. You don't have to answer right away. Think about it and let me know."

Well, um, I can't think about it long, Captain Stoner. It's already the late afternoon and um, brunch tomorrow means there's not a whole lot of time to get back to you. But you know, he's a dead head so what is time really when Jerry Garcia is constantly singing about Casey Jones in your ear?

But anyway, I pause for this minute. I just got asked out on a date. It's been 16+ years since I was asked on a date! Even if it's Captain Stoner dude, who maybe won't even really remember that he did that tomorrow. Still. What happens is that I'm no longer ruminating on my sucky life. I'm feeling a bit younger - like when I was in high school and dudes tried to vie for my attention. It's totally shallow and yet it also really boosts my self-esteem. I'm grateful for these fuckers even though I know they are lying their asses off to me on the site pages. Are they shitting me or am I worthy enough of some kind attention? Wow. This is so strange.

Back to Miami Vice guy. He now PINGS me and says he wants to see a body shot of me. Really? Hmm.. Well, ok. You send me one and I'll send you one. Mind you, these are all fully clothed and harmless. None of that -- what's the word--SEXTING going on. But you know, everyone wants to know if there's fat rolls underneath the portion that was photoshopped out of the head shots. So I look for something that I like of myself and send it along.

"Very cute," he says, "You look like you have some nice curves."

Oh why thank you. Yes, well I fucking work out 6 days of every godammed week and starve myself every other week. Thank you for noticing.

"Send me a butt photo." HA! A butt photo. Seriously? "You first" So I get a photo of him in his shirt and jeans and he's showing me that he's got no ass. Typical white guy ass. But he did it. So, in return, I send him one of me.

"I knew it. You have the perfect butt," then adding "really, a very very nice butt!" He's waxing on about my butt. This is cracking me up. And it's a hella boost to my newly divorced tired-old-ass self.

Meanwhile, back to Captain Stoner. I actually and honestly did have plans for the next day and I said so but said I'd be up for a phone call first because I have this crazy feeling he has a high squeaky voice and I wouldn't be able to choke down brunch if that were the case. He agrees that that would be cool.

Back to Miami Vice guy. He sends me a photo of him with a caption: "taken this past week." I don't know why. I suppose he wants me to know that this isn't him from 2 years ago but from now. How would I honestly know or prove this? So I look at it. I zoom in and TA-DAAA! I see a fucking wedding band on his finger. Alrightie then!

I say, "I spy with my little eye a wedding band on your ring finger."

"You're right!" he says.

"Um, what are you doing on a singles site when you are married?"

"Looking for another wife."

"Don't-cha think you should divorce the first wife before you go looking for another one? Or is there some Mormon chapter in Miami that I'm not aware of?"

He laughs and says, "Why don't you give me some incentive?"

Um. No. This was all fun and laughs but I'm not wrecking any homes and I certainly don't want a bit of that karma on my ass. (I already have karma on my ass because I sent him a fully clothed BUTT picture of myself.)

"You're alright with posting your photo on a singles site when you are married?"

"She won't look."

"Wow, you have a new super hero name now: Captain Balls."

"Lol," he says.

Fucking lol.

And that was the end of Captain Balls.

Captain Balls and his harem.

Back to Captain Dead Head. Is he really going to call or was he high when he made those plans? Or is he getting high now? So there is the end of Captain Stoner.

Still, I'm grateful for the shenanigans of the past 4-5 days. I didn't expect to do anything more than read some goofy personal ads to try to make myself feel better about my own lonely state of affairs and what I got was a little male cyber attention that lasted all of about 5 days. No harm done. Worth 20 bucks for that kind of entertainment. By the way, I wrote to the nice lady who welcomed me to the site and recommended that she have relationship statuses be put on her site PRONTO and she deleted Miami Vice man from the site.

And here I am. Still standing. A tiny bit of healthy self-esteem under my belt. Maybe I'm not so worn out and old after all. HA!

Oh, the possibilities

So, I ditched one dating site to try out another.

I was trying it from my phone so I posted a single photo and the text, "I'm new here, no info yet. Will add more later." I didn't expect anyone to write until they could actually learn more about me so I was surprised when I got a few emails. The following two stood out:

"Good morning Angel, i hope your night was restful and your weekend is going well? I dont really know where to begin, but will hope after reading my short note of interest in you and my profile to see if i match your critical, you'd give me the opportunity of extending my interest and communication more... I'm xxxxxxxxxx and new to this site, I have turn on here seeking a partner and a woman whom we can be happy as one and grow older in each others hands together. Though non of us on here knows where this might be leading us yet, but i believe risk re worth taking to see what God might be planing for us through this site....Apart from your nice profile, you've really got a lovely smile and a nice hair style that caught my sight a lot and I'd like to chat with you and get know you more, if you don't mind?...i will stop here for now and hope to read from you soon on here or in my email xxxxxxxxx, if you'd be interested in extending this communication more to see if there is chemistry and where the road of faith can be leading us from here. Take care and i wish you a Happy Sunday."

No comment.

Then there was this:

"You are a very pretty and very sexy woman. What are you looking to find here? As for me I am looking for a friend, lover and confidante. I am not looking for marriage. I did that once and it was a disaster! No more of that for me thank you!

My kids are grown now (both in their thirties) and live in the Philadelphia area. I live alone (of course) in VA and I enjoy a quiet life. Some people see this as boring…I see it as peaceful and full of opportunities for serenity and reflection. I am retired from the Coast Guard and from xxxxxxxxxx. I enjoy doing things and being places that enhance a peaceful outlook on life and give me serenity. I practice meditation. I try to live a life per American Zen as taught by Charlotte Joko Beck. That is to say, I use everything at my disposal to be at peace with myself and my surroundings at all times as much as possible.

The LAST thing that I am looking to find here is lots and lots of melodrama topped off with ongoing, non-stop and untreated mental instability and frosted over with heaps of nutty behavior and highly charged craziness between me and a woman with whom I am involved. I have had a lifetime of that insanity.

I cannot take another round of the Lucy Show mixed in with the Roseanne Barr Show and topped off with the ‘Thelma and Louise Strike Again’ sequel in my lifetime. I would like to try having some peaceful living now mixed in with nice, basic human affection and warmth with a stable woman. I want to be involved with a ‘sassy, unpredictable, spur-of-the-moment’ woman like I want the Black Plague.

If you are interested in getting to know me, let me know. If not, good luck in your search. I wish you the best Beautiful!

I love when people put what they DON'T want. "No crazies!" As if I'll say, huh. I'm nuts, guess I shouldn't email him." I mean, do the nutty ones even KNOW? Seriously, people.

Oh, the possibilities.

cocoon friend

"You're my cocoon friend," he said, wrapping his arms around me, radiating warmth the way the sun smiles at the earth. It soaks into your core, that kind of welcome.

I met him a few years ago, kindred sailors on turbulent seas of dissolved marriages. Our boats never aligned long enough to share the journey as partnered captains but a deeply-rooted bond sprouted from various starts and stops and now there is only reverence.

For the next few hours we laughed about cat anal glands and the complexities of love. "I think you should try anyway," I offered, as we updated each other. "Worst-case scenario: it ends. There's hurt. It sucks. But you've BEEN there. It eventually gets better -- you know this. And you'll have had this amazing experience. And maybe it won't end. Maybe it will turn into something really great. The chance to try is worth it."

I reflected about my own experiences, how I jump back in the ring even after the disappointments mount. "The most recent guy? I only dated him a MONTH and we hadn't even been together and yet I was still sensitive. But that's part of dating. I'm not sorry I tried." I told him the best experience I'd had in the past few years was with the Cyclist. He nodded, both of us understanding each other's histories.

"You'll have to update me so I can blog about it," I added, snickering into his shoulder as we hugged one last time. "But I hope it works out. It sounds wonderful."

"I'm on your side...
And I don't want to be your regret.
I'd rather be your cocoon."
--Jack Johnson

Silver Linings Playbook quote

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday's my favorite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy."


(Sent from my phone)

This

thoughtcatalog.com/katrina-tamondong/2013/12/what-would-it-be-like-to-be-unafraid-to-fall-in-love 

(Sent from my phone)

And then this happened

Me: Hi! Someone just gave me "Fact or Crap: Music Edition" - do your kids have this game? If not, are you interested? I can drop it off. Would be nice to see you, it's been a while. How are you?? Sorry this is so short but I'm collapsing into bed early. Night!

Him: We don't have it, no. Not sure if they'd be interested in it. But here's a hypothetical but very realistic scene:

ASPLENIA: "Hey, I was at the dump the other night, and... do you remember that game Cootie? Where you build a bug and stick plastic insect parts into it? Well, they had one of those, except it was covered in maggots and sanitary napkins. And most of the pieces were missing. It was just... well, not the whole body of the Cootie, but part of one. And the part was cracked in half. Do your kids want it? I could come over and drop it off."

ME: "GOD YES WHEN PLEASE SOON I MISS YOU SO MUCH."

And scene!

So yes. I am interested, particularly in the part where you drop it off and I see you and we hug for eight hours. Any weekend plans?

Me: Yay!!

So yes, this is happening!!

Yes I am judging your relationship (everyone was on that flight)

Airports are weird around the holidays. Full of people in Santa hats skipping to baggage claim happily and the occasional red-eyed soul sniffling into tissues to themselves.

I wonder about people's private lives here, in this place we all find ourselves regardless of whether we're in the mood to travel.

Tickets are purchased long in advance and plans march forward whether you're in the mood to fly anywhere or not on that particular day.

Today, I wasn't. I felt melancholy but it was fitting somehow with the gentle rain. I wanted to wrap a blanket around myself and read rather than fling myself into noisy groups of strangers rushing onto planes. And then the idea of facing family and acting happy while questions landed like grenades: "How are you?!?" "Meet anyone yet?" I shook my head just imagining it.

The truth is, I'm heartbroken again, like pretty much every Christmas the past few years. Now it's just the cumulative effects -- the most recent experience is just a light slap on an already present wound. It shouldn't hurt, really, but scar tissue has built up making my insides tight.

Last year it was the Cyclist I swooned over, the year before I gushed about the Dark-Haired Boy. This year they will ask me about Alex. There's nothing to say. It wasn't even a relationship. I am considering it over (whatever "it" was) although he indicated we would get together when I am back from my trip. I'm not sure if that will actually happen.

"I was worried we were moving too fast," he tried to explain, which, to me, was code for "I changed my mind."

And that's fine, really -- whatever he feels, he feels. He's not a malicious person and dating is all about discovery but it still doesn't feel that great.

I spent earlier today (when I should have been packing) setting up a new dating profile. I'm going to try a completely different site. It's a pasttime, now, browsing catalogs of potential loves. It infuses hope into the hopeless, tiny maybes among a sea of options.

Later, I spent the entire 2.5 hour flight quietly judging the relationship of the people next to me while pretending to read a book.

After we landed, I made my way over to baggage claim and stood there sullenly, blinking at the empty belt. And then suddenly I saw what looked like... a rabbit turd? And some sunflower seeds?? go by.

Suddenly life was ridiculous again, and there I was laughing.

My dad picked me up and score another happy point, my heart lifted some more and I texted one last reply to the Cyclist. "We're still friends," I told my dad, explaining why I hadn't yet put away my phone. He raised one eyebrow. "Really good friends, actually..." I said, trailing off, unable to put into words the amount of adoration and trust I have for that boy.

So it's been a long day and I don't know how I will talk about all this tomorrow, but I'm sure glad to be here.

(Sent from my phone)

Now, a punch card!

From http://imgur.com/gallery/UwRhN89

signs

Maybe this shouldn't be the case, but I feel like I just went through another breakup. As I drove to work, music auto-cycling through The Breakup Mix (basically every song on my phone), I thought yep, there it is. That sore spot right in the chest.

God, dating is exhausting. When it's going well, it's exhilarating. Last night I dreamt I was on a tiny raft tossed about on enormous waves. Somehow we rounded a corner and a giant swell upended the boat and I saw it coming -- I was going to fall into the water no matter what -- so I jumped. This way I was in control of the falling. I jumped ship. As I crashed into the sea, I remembered all the other times I'd fallen in and a thrill ran through my core.

But then I woke up and remembered what was really going on and the sadness hit.

I didn't really want to end it, you know. I get attached. But there were signs. Maybe I am hyper-sensitive to signs, which isn't totally fair to the guy. But I think about times I overlooked the signs and I was usually sorry.

It was only a month but he was growing special to me.

quick update and then I am deleting this.

For anyone following the saga, I met someone, thought it had potential but it doesn't. Because, reasons. The end.

The text pick-me-up

Here's how you know you have a good friend: you send them a wordless representation of how you feel and they reply in kind letting you know you're not alone:

No explanation needed, animal photos say it all.

Reposting from Carolyn Hax column: How to know when you are being your "best self."

Dear Carolyn:
You often talk about a “best self” and the ways people should either live that themselves or permit others to do so. I can guess what a best self might be, but I wonder what your workaday definition is?

Best Self
 
It’s when you like yourself.

Or, when you’re getting the most out of your strengths and succumbing the least to your weaknesses. It’s highly personal, but here are some ideas for cultivating strength:

Are you doing things that are meaningful to you; well-suited to your interests, skills and talents; and challenging enough to keep you humble?

Are you with people to whom you want to be kind; who reinforce your good choices; and who don’t inspire persistent doubts about whether they’re dependable, genuinely fond of you, free of ulterior motives, honest with you?

Are you that person to those you love?

Do you take responsibility for your choices and their consequences?

Do you honor your promises and commitments, to yourself and others?

When you are impressed by, grateful to or concerned about someone, do you show it?

Do you forgive?

Are you representing yourself honestly, to yourself and others, creating no facades to maintain?

Do you take care of yourself — in small ways like flossing and in big ways like thinking through potential consequences before you act? And do you put yourself first in ways that sustain you, to minimize your burdening of others?

As for taming weaknesses:

Do you realize your needs have the same status as everyone else’s? And you’re not the hero in every encounter with others?

Are you mindful of your flaws and demons?

Do you make choices that put distance between you and your temptations?

Do you resist the impulse to blame others when things go wrong?

Do you understand the boundary between your and others’ business, and stay on your side?

When you’re unsure, do you admit that and seek help?

When you’re about to express negativity or a criticism, do you ask yourself whether it needs expressing? And imagine how its target will feel?

When you fall short, do you admit that? To those who most need to hear it?

Since all of these questions hinge on solid self-awareness, I’d call Step 1 a brutally honest assessment of what you bring to the party — and how you’re most likely to wreck it.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-defining-ones-best-self/2013/12/12/73c9deb4-56c6-11e3-835d-e7173847c7cc_story.html

Sore spot

A paraphrased email from my mom:

"I have to give you some advice as your mother... stop wasting time dating the wrong men, you should be able to pick out a guy who can fulfill you already so you can build the life you need. Live in a nicer place too so you feel like a mensch and surround yourself with positive people. You need to feel you're a good catch! And if you want a baby, you need to go for it already, there is someone out there who wants these things too! Love you!"

I KNOW she just wants to help me but this is the least helpful way to do it. It only makes me feel like a failure in her eyes, all shmucky-like. That awesome self-esteem she wants me to build, well, it tanked right after reading that letter.

I don't know how to respond. "I want some of those things too, mom," I want to say. "It just hasn't happened yet. Maybe it will never happen." What if it never happens? I wrote to a friend, "I made peace with that. How can I get her to be at peace with it too?"

If you want to help someone, say, start a business, you listen to them. You help with the details, maybe, or the questions, but you don't know those until they're opening up to you.

You can't just state, "Run your own business already!" and expect that to be enough.

Advice for the depressed often runs along these lines. "Snap outta it!"

"Why thank you for that enlightening advice, I struggled with this for ages until you just said that!"

I get that my mom loves me, that her heart breaks for me, that she wishes she could celebrate life milestones with me but all an email like that does is further shut me down. Who could possibly reveal their deepest vulnerabilities after reading that? "I don't know why it hasn't happened, mom, maybe I'm doing it all wrong. I'm trying though, I really am. You always said do your best but somehow my best isn't working here."

She says nice things too sometimes, that she's proud of me for being a decent person and having a good job, etc., which I love and appreciate but this is a sore spot for me. It hurts to have it poked.

A small realization from out of the blue

My sis: Didn't you tell me some guy you knew got married recently?

Me: uhhhh...? I don't remember.

My sis: Someone you dated got married.

Me: Hmmm, well there was someone who liked me a couple years ago that got married recently but I didn't have those feelings for him.

My sis: Oh, okay. I was just remembering you mentioning it.

Me: I don't think I would have mentioned that guy? I didn't like him that way but I dunno, maybe I said something in passing.

My sis: Oh. So how was your day?

Me: It was awesome! blah blah blah met new guy but really happy still friends with previous guy blah blah.

My sis: It's really nice that you take a positive view after dating someone, that the relationship was good even if it didn't turn into something.

Me: Aww thanks! Actually I feel like that with most of my relationships. There's really only one person I wish I hadn't dated. Remember <name>? That was something I could have lived without.

My sis: Yeah I could see that.

Me: Oh wait! He's the one that got married recently! I completely forgot. I had googled him a few weeks ago and found out.

My sis: I thought there was someone!

Me: I'm so happy that this is so rarely on my mind that I couldn't even place it right away when you asked, haha!

...

Yay! I've been scolded for "not moving on" as quickly as some think I should, but here is proof that it does actually happen (eventually). Ha!

(Sent from my phone)

ps. Temp post, a little thank you

This is totally silly but I crawled into bed so happy tonight that I started to tear up - I feel so valued lately, both at work and by the people around me at home (including those who are both friends and colleagues). They're tears of gratitude for being surrounded by such nice people. I don't know what I did to deserve being appreciated like this but it's so far away from the banished lonely places I have seen. I am so moved... I wish I could tell my friends how much they mean to me. But maybe they know anyway. <3

(Sent from my phone)

Two good articles: love and letter writing (both are about connection, the first with a scientific slant)

Two articles for you today, both delving into heartfelt matters. One on love and what happens in your brain when you're in it (you'd expect nothing less from National Geographic but the info is woven in and around a personal story which makes it a wonderfully-flowing read:

<a href="http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2006/02/true-love/slater-text.html">True Love, by Lauren Slater, National Geographic </a>

And because I'm a big letter writer, even in this age of email, texting and chatting (I just got back from the post office a little while ago, actually), I loved this article on
<a href="http://greatist.com/happiness/why-writing-letters-still-matters">Why Writing Letters Still Matters in an Age of Digital Communication</a>.

Bon Nuit!

(Sent from my phone)

Remembering holiday travel

I celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah. And by "celebrate" I mean that I like to grossly overeat with loved ones. At multiple households.

When I was a student, I was both extremely busy and poor. I didn't have time to get presents until after exams which usually meant ALL shopping (for either holiday) was done Christmas eve. Off to the 24-hour Walmart I'd go, rubbing red, watery, fatigued eyes.

One year I finished shopping at 2am, hauled the loot noisily upstairs and began an epic present-wrapping session that didn't end until dawn. (With two sets of divorced parents between both my ex and I, along with various children and cousins, the list was huge -- around 30 people? -- I can't fully remember, but it was time-consuming and took about 3 hours to wrap everything.) I finished at 5am, set the clock for 6am, and fell exhausted into bed.

I remember nothing after this.

I don't remember the clock going off.

I don't remember the phone ringing.

I don't remember getting up and answering it.

I don't remember picking up the phone or even saying "Hello?" but yet I must have done all these things because I somehow found myself holding the phone with my dad on the other end asking, "where are you??" (He had to ask it several times before I was able to form a complete sentence, I do remember that.) FAIL! I missed Christmas morning. I'm not an alarm-sleeper-through-er so this is pretty indicative of how hellaciously fatigued I must have been.

Luckily my dad's a great guy and (after the initial disappointment) moved heaven and earth so we could still get together later. He never held a grudge about it (did I mention he's awesome?) but I think everyone else is STILL irritated with me to this day.

If I only had this story, It'd be enough. But wait! There's more!

The next year, we finished shopping on Christmas eve, as usual, and came home for an epic present-wrapping session. Only this time, my partner and I said oh HALE no, we are not setting ourselves up for what happened last year to EVAH happen again. We just won't go to sleep! We planned to pull an all-nighter.

So we finished wrapping presents and hit the road even though it was sleeting and snowing. Then... the windshield wipers died. It wasn't safe to pull over just then so we curled our hands out the window and pawed at the glass with a scraper, courting frostbite, to create a little window of visibility until we could safely pull over and deal with the emergency.

There we were, stranded at a rest station on Christmas eve at 2am. Who do you even call?

No one. My partner decided to try fixing it himself. Without even having the right tools, he somehow removed the windshield motor, disassembled it and diagnosed bad electrical contacts. He began scraping them and although it took two hours, the experiment worked! We got back in the car at 4am and continued north, exhausted but determined not to miss the gathering.

The snow got worse and turned into a full-fledged snowstorm. The roads were terrible at that hour so it took twice as long as expected. We didn't arrive until 8am. But we weren't late!!

5 things that annoyed me today

ANNOYING THING #1. It took TWO HOURS to try and click a "forward" button for an email this morning because, well, shitty software. I still never actually "forwarded" it. The software is so unbelievably terrible that the IT department had to *escalate* it to an even higher level where a special software engineer has been assigned to troubleshoot it. I really want to love my job but seriously??

ANNOYING THING #2. "Holiday" cards with a picture of a Christmas tree. Save your ink and just admit you are a Christmas card. It's fine, I don't actually care, but having that graphic with the sentiment "happy holidays" is ridiculous.

You're doing it wrong.

ANNOYING THING #3. The existence of Phyllo dough. It's useless, time-consuming, limiting, hard to find and isn't even tasty. What good is it?

Phyllo dough looks like a roll of soggy paper towels (and probably
tastes like it too without the pound of butter and honey). Why bother??

ANNOYING THING #4. Actually most dough to me is like that. It's like tofu, it takes on the flavor of whatever it's with so it's really just a medium. THAT'S why I'm not into carbs, you guys. They're not that good unless they're loaded with sugar, salt or fat.

Sad bread needs friends.

ANNOYING THING #5. The following exchange which happened around lunchtime:

Me (walking down hall): hey.

Coworker I barely know (gawking at chest and pointing to my left boob): WHAT'S THAT??

Me (looking down, at first in horror, at my left boob, worried what I might discover and then relaxing when I realized that my clothes had not, in fact, evaporated undetected): Um, that's part of the SWEATER.

How to win friends and influence people: unabashedly stare at various body parts.

I don't wear loud clothes. What could possibly have been so captivating about the design of my sweater that it so overpowered the most basic niceties of societal training, namely, to return the greeting of a near stranger? We definitely are not on "hey what's up with your left boob" terms either so I really don't understand exactly what transpired in that hallway. It wasn't the slightest bit sexist or flirtatious, he just looked at me like Santa was sprouting from my chest cavity.

"The problem with Ugly Sweater contests is that
the winner doesn't usually realize they're playing." (Ha!)

Now I'm home exercising patience!!

Worse than being "nice"

Now that makes THREE dudes who have cited my "conscientiousness" as what they like about me. Isn't that WORSE than being "nice"?!? A girl wants a dude to be all "I can get lost in her eyes" not "it turns me on when she pays her bills" - wtf??

(Sent from my phone)