"I have to end this date so I can go home and write about it," I didn't say. But I thought. (Because it's too close to bedtime and I don't have time to really write!)
I've been all over the map the past few days. Awaiting possible terrible news from a loved one (who the fuck could sit and "chill"?) to obsessing over a date the Cyclist went on (is she prettier than me?) to dealing with a friend's illness ("It will be hard for you to see my scars," she said, stepping into the shower) (the only difficult thing is thinking about the hardship a body can go through), so really the last thing I was thinking about was this date.
I was so wound up Saturday that I cried, thinking of all the people I am going to lose.
But today I have not lost anyone and disaster is no longer imminent. My friend is out of the ER and my family is out of immediate danger, and the Cyclist will still be my friend, even if he finds someone else and falls in love.
So I let myself see the cute boy with expressive eyes in front of me tonight who seemed both excessively nervous and very sweet in that non-player way that I like so much, a friend's words ringing in my head: "Don't forget it took time to build up to that comfort level you have now with the Cyclist. You didn't have that at the beginning. Give another guy a chance."
So when he hugged me, I relaxed and let myself notice what he smelled like.
It was nice.
(Sent from my phone)