Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The emptiness of being intangible

Self awareness is supposed to include the ability to foresee how you will feel in a certain situation.

Well, I demonstrated a remarkable deficit of this skill earlier today. It's comical. I thought I was totes over the Cyclist! So much for self-awareness as my superpower.
Brain: Pssht, it's raining men right now, move on girl! Home slice has another girl in the picture anyway, you don't want him anymore! Lunch will be easy.

Heart: Goddamn he's got the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen.
(Why did he have to fucking look so good? Dammit.)

But it's okay. I felt sad. It passed. I needed to know I still mattered. I pressed him at the end, despite my pride to appear strong. He always seems to know what to say to soothe me and he is always, always honest, and this makes all the difference.

I remember pining away over Aqua-Eyed Boy. I was stubborn then, because of my reverence for him as a person: I refused to shut down the friendship just because of a lil' ol' heart hurt. It smarted when he began to date new people but eventually something shifted and it became fine. I don't remember how long it took. But there's proof: I got over it. I did it before and I'll do it again

What I miss most right now is someone actually knowing me. I feel like all these new dates build me up in their minds. I'm a maybe, a hope. Not something tangible yet. So it doesn't feel real.

1 comment:

  1. Well yeah, but the cyclist wad an intangible, until he wasn't...