Monday, August 25, 2014

Today at the Dr.

Dr: So how did you hurt this? 
Me [staring into the middle distance, not hearing him]: Huh? Oh... um, I don't know.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The emptiness of being intangible

Self awareness is supposed to include the ability to foresee how you will feel in a certain situation.

Well, I demonstrated a remarkable deficit of this skill earlier today. It's comical. I thought I was totes over the Cyclist! So much for self-awareness as my superpower.
Brain: Pssht, it's raining men right now, move on girl! Home slice has another girl in the picture anyway, you don't want him anymore! Lunch will be easy.

Heart: Goddamn he's got the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen.
(Why did he have to fucking look so good? Dammit.)

But it's okay. I felt sad. It passed. I needed to know I still mattered. I pressed him at the end, despite my pride to appear strong. He always seems to know what to say to soothe me and he is always, always honest, and this makes all the difference.

I remember pining away over Aqua-Eyed Boy. I was stubborn then, because of my reverence for him as a person: I refused to shut down the friendship just because of a lil' ol' heart hurt. It smarted when he began to date new people but eventually something shifted and it became fine. I don't remember how long it took. But there's proof: I got over it. I did it before and I'll do it again

What I miss most right now is someone actually knowing me. I feel like all these new dates build me up in their minds. I'm a maybe, a hope. Not something tangible yet. So it doesn't feel real.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Pick-up artists suck and if you are following their advice, you're either going to be alone forever or stuck in a string of shitty relationships. There, I said it.

So, a guy friend of mine confessed he'd been reading up in the pick-up artist community about how to get women. My ears perked up. Pick-up artist community? There's such a thing? People giving advice on how to be a dick? There's a market for that?? So I looked up one of his sources and found this guy, who is not only annoying and arrogant, but also completely fucking wrong:

If a guy doesn't stay in regular contact, I assume he's not interested and let him go. A girl wants to feel like she's on your mind. Homeslice, that's foreplay. It's the follow-through that really warms a girl's heart.

Also wrong: telling a girl you want don't want to just be friends. Some guy just did that with me. After only the THIRD date! Look, you're cute and I like you, but I hardly know you. Wanting all or nothing this early is too much too soon. I want to be friends so I can get to know you without pressure.

I don't know what's in that video guy's book but I'll tell you what girls want:
  • Be into us. We like good men who pay attention and appreciate us.
  • Be confident. Our primitive brains need to feel like you can take down a saber tooth tiger and protect us. If you appear nervous or insecure, it's a turnoff. How do you display confidence? Don't slouch. Take up space. A cobra expands to intimidate its foes (in hopes that it won't have to strike); lots of animals make their bodies larger to signify power and control in their environment, these cues apply for people as well. We're animals too.
  • Invest in us. Invest your resources in us like your time and attention. Make us feel special.
I mean, do those things IF you want a quality person. If you want someone who has some kind of attachment disorder, then fine, the games above will work, and you will win the girl and have a shitty relationship. Good luck!

Sunday, August 3, 2014


They say an impression forms within 6 seconds of meeting someone. If that's true, my first impression with this afternoon's date was annoyed, like, "I interrupted my nice afternoon for THIS?"

The initial greet was so awkward and forced, I didn't feel optimistic about the ensuing 30 minutes. Still, he held the door open for me all gentlemanly-like, secured two coffees, and we wandered onto the patio. 

We chatted awkwardly. He'd gone so far out of his way to meet me that I instantly felt bad for even making the location suggestion since he must have been having an even worst time. Not only was conversation not flowing but I couldn't even offer the slight minimal reward of being a terrible date but at least being easy on the eyes, thanks to this morning's (every morning's, actually) disastrous hair (and face) fail.

But then I noticed something weird shifting inside. I started to feel... comfortable. Where was my usual nervousness? Maybe because he didn't seem to be sizing me up, he was just talking and being himself. He was humble, confident and comfortable all at the same time, and this relaxed me. I'd been on third dates with two other guys earlier this weekend and didn't feel that much more relaxed around them than the first two times we'd met up. How was this so much easier?

Not easy: dating, or Tupperware management.

But then we started finishing each other's sentences and bantering back and forth about articles and I was having a blast! Imagine that.

Fun, except with that old-fashioned talking thing.

You know how when you have a first date and it's so amazing you can't wait to get home and tell someone? Yeah, me either. Because that almost NEVER happens. When it does, it's usually an encounter with a mirage, a hopeful sighting of fool's gold. But that happened this time.

He kissed me politely as we parted, then looked long and hard in my eyes and said, "Yep."

I started laughing. Somehow it was perfect.

In other news, something else shifted with the Cyclist, and we had maybe the most honest talk ever (mostly me thinking out loud about where I've been the past few years). I realized I could admit where I'd been about him and now that reality was clear, realizing he knew. He always knew. I was never transparent.

There is something really healing and beautiful to be 100% accepted, and understanding that acceptance doesn't have to do with sameness. He doesn't need to ever have been where I was but that doesn't negate the shared strong sense of value. It's another turning point for me to truly get this.

I took a chill pill
He's met a cute girl, maybe it will or maybe it won't turn into anything but I feel certain, having been in those shoes, that she will fall for him. She will see the kind of person he is, how could she not fall in love? He may have to navigate the waters around another sensitive heart but he sailed the last course just fine. It will all be okay, whatever it will be.