Friday, October 31, 2014

You Say “Flawed”, He Says “Sexy”: What Men Really Think About Your Body | MyTinySecrets

Powerful concept for the self-critical. My sweetie sent me this after a wonderful talk we had last night:

I'm going to take a bit of a break from my blog for the month of November to participate in NaNoWriMo -- not working on a novel but will surf off the energy of mass writing projects to do my own. Stay tuned!

One final thought for now: all those flaws & frailties I'm so hard on myself for, well, it really is true that there's someone out there for everyone. If traits about oneself don't work for a particular match, it doesn't mean it won't for all matches, it just means that's not quite the right fit.

I love how I feel so appreciated by this guy, even the things I feel most vulnerable about, he embraces. I think that's the biggest gift you can give someone in a relationship: the gift of acceptance and reverence.

Peace out! <3

(Sent from my phone)

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Special delivery

When the mailroom at work contacted me about a package, I blew it off. I've been slammed the past few days and thought "know what, I'll just get it tomorrow." Come back from lunch break to this on my desk... from Conference Guy. [MELT]

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

3rd date (and no, not THAT kind)

I'm trying to decide between writing and sleeping. I really need to do both.

Third date with the incredible Conference Guy. He gets more and more fantastic by the second. I don't even know how to describe my feelings. They're complicated -- I'm terrified and happy all at once. He acts like I'm the most amazing girl in the universe! This simultaneously makes me melt and wonder if I'm slightly autistic. I mean, I can barely stand feeling this vulnerable.

Is this what happens if you're single too long? You forget how to let other people into your space, like *really* into it? We're taking it slow, but this whole thing is unfolding like scenes from a romantic movie. It's intoxicating.

I could be crazy about this guy.

I already am.

Saturday, October 25, 2014


It's official. I'm totally falling for this guy.

YOU GUYS, he's amazing. The awkward hump of unworthiness I clumsily stumbled over a few days ago? Something I'll likely always contend with, but at least not in the way today. (I'm sure it'll be back on the menu tomorrow; do not fear, dear reader.)

We spent the day picnicking in a park overlooking the water. I wasn't sure how I'd feel when he picked me up but after hauling the motherload of food/drink and one musical instrument 2 miles to a suitable gazebo (read: one not occupied by anyone having sex), we were laughing and talking so much that I forgot all about being scared. Our connection is really fucking incredible.

For the record, I'm totally not overthinking or telling anyone right now. One day at a time!

Not happening, for once!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Can you decide not to be as horrible as usual and actually have that happen? Or does that just exude forth, uncontained??

I sat next to Conference Guy and checked in with myself. This was our first "official" date after turning a budding friendship into a romance via text. He has this calm, nice way about him and I found myself feeling easy and relaxed the whole date. I was almost normal! (I can be weirdly skittish sometimes when fleshing things out so, like a lunatic, I have to keep checking in. Do I want to be here? How do I feel?)

We had a wonderful dinner, he even brought me flowers (FUCK I left them in the car, goddammit, they may as well be half a mile away) and at some point he even came to sit next to me so we could be closer to each other rather than all the way across the table, and I was so happy.
Everything was great until we went outside and stood by my car and got quiet, testing out what it felt like to be in each other's presence. I felt like I was in high school again. Suddenly shy.
Him: This is like a dream!

Me (giggling): Like freefalling. I found this animation of Homer Simpson falling down a neverending flight of stairs.

Him: Um, do I remind you of Homer Simpson?
We laughed and then got quiet again and he began smoothing my hair with the utmost tenderness, as if he were handling a rare, precious butterfly -- my hideous hair! -- and his eyes were beaming with unreserved adoration and affection, and I suddenly got self-conscious: how could he possibly look at me like that and enjoy what he saw? Didn't he see the lines in my face? That my smile is crooked? My awkward stance?

And that's when I realized, that's it. That's what's fucking going on, that's my problem.

I don't honestly believe I'm pretty or special or worthy.

I don't know how to be cherished.

I don't know how to receive, I only know how to give.

Dammit and now I CAN'T fucking go out to the car and get the goddamn flowers because I'm sitting here crying, realizing this, and I don't want to face my roommies who are now piled up in front of the tv studying and watching the latest ebola news. "Just chillin'" I'll say, zipping out the front door, but all the lights are on and they'll see. Suuure, you are, they'll think.

Isn't it just so much better if I shut this budding thing down? If I never have to worry about opening up or sharing my insecurities or ugly-crying in front of him, isn't it just better if I shut it all down?

But I'm not going to. I'm going to give this a chance, as terrified as I am.

I won't tell him I'm scared. I won't reveal that the confident-seeming fun girl he "fell" for at the conference is really a bag of insecurities, and I will try not to cackle my unsexiest laugh to ruin the mood while flinging his compliments away with clever retorts about my hideousness. I will try not to do any of these things.

I will try.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Connecting with the inner compass

This is my last night of living in my head and it's been so nice savoring the past few days. Tomorrow I have a date to see ~him~ and will see if there's *really* something there, like we think. (Not that we're going to slip on a banana peel and have sex -- my frigid ass still waits for that --but we haven't even *kissed*, so, yeah.)

The past couple of years, my heart has remained an inpenetrable black coal inside my chest for anyone other than the Cyclist, despite trying (and before that I don't even want to talk about it). 
So this seems to be an experiment in freefalling.

It isn't pretty.
I don't really seem to have control over the when/why part -- lawd knows I've dissected other possibilities in my head and thought they'd be fantastic matches... if only I could make myself feel.

Not happening.
I used a recent meditation tool to evaluate the current lineup (when there was one). The exercise is to ask yourself the following 4 questions before making a big decision, if you're unsure. (This works for anything, not just love -- it's just a way to connect with your inner compass.)

(Or you could just ask your mom.)
Questions to ask before making a decision:
1. Does it feel like freedom or entrapment?

2. Does it feel easy or forced?

3. Does it feel very fun, compelling or stimulating?

4. Does it feel like peace or mania? (Is there an inner stillness?)
A truly healthy decision passes all four with flying colors.

This is how I was so easily able to narrow down the recent possibilities. I went out with Last Year Guy and while sitting next to him at the salad place, I imagined sitting next to him at the salad place a year from now, and something in me suddenly felt trapped. And the idea of getting together again felt forced. It did feel peaceful, however, and usually even felt fun, but for whatever reason, it only passed 2 of those 4 questions. Who knows why it wasn't resonating? Maybe someday it will -- he's such a great guy, I wish it could have worked.

Anyway, so we'll see. Tonight is the last night to pretend I'm ready for love... tomorrow is the test!

Saturday, October 18, 2014

hearts everywhere

We haven't even kissed yet and we're kindof falling in love. Here's what's unexpected: I don't care. I don't care if it lasts a week, a month or never even gets out of the starting gate. I'm loving every second of the blissful connection with Conference Guy and we're talking about anything and everything and I'm not feeling shut down, like usual, at least not yet. Fucking awesome. The emotional connection is so easy! <3 <3 <3

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Monday, October 13, 2014

Forecast unpredictable

I am on the verge of having a torrid love affair with 1 of 3 men (should I even call the 4th that I haven't yet met that a friend recommended, in this state? oy). My heart has softened just enough and I am feeling just reckless enough. It's a powerful mix. Each of these guys has something special that stands out.
Conference guy: green eyes and a pretty incredible emotional connection. Met him at a work conference a few weeks ago and we bonded over the world's most boring speaker.

Last year guy: met him when the Cyclist and I were stalled. On the second date, when he told me he liked me, I burst into tears (this makes guys feel awesome, by the way) because I wasn't over the Cyclist, so this got friendzoned before it even got OUT of the friendzone. But he gave me space and sometimes mailed me chocolate and  now I suddenly find myself thinking of him.

High school guy: honestly I barely remembered this dude when he friended me on FB a while back. Well, I posted something about being in my hometown recently at the hospital and he was all "oh hey, I see you're in the neighborhood! I'm 3 blocks away at a pub now, wanna stop by when you leave?" I only saw him for like, 20 minutes but hmm.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

What relaxing weekend?

This has been an especially trying coupla weeks.

I've been juggling it all like a motherfucker: medical crises, existential crises, physical limits pushed yet working like a machine, boss as fuck, getting everything done even when up at 3am texting my mom in the hospital and looking for houses and working on book idea and getting oil changes and attending workshops. It was a lot but I was HANDLING it.

Even when I found out my ex is having a baby and I cried and stalked the mother of his kid online (she's adorable, and Facebook, I both love and hate you) and poured my guts out into my diary, even that sucked but after I got it all out I was chill.
I was good, or at least not incapacitated, until the "conversation."

Mom: Hey, here's all the stuff that's wrong with you.

Me: Cool, hey, can we talk about something else?

Mom: Not really.

Me: How about we talk about what's NOT wrong with me?

Mom: Naw, that's not really how I roll.

[Talking happens, venus orbits the sun...]

Mom: So? This was good.

Me [rising from pit of despair]: Are we done?

Mom: One more thing. How would you like to have a family intervention? I'll call your sister and cousin and we can go over this again.

Me: Um, no thanks, I'm good.

Mom: Wait, why do you have low self-esteem? Go cheer yourself up! You don't watch enough TV.
So that happened.

Me to friend: She thinks everything I do is wrong. My job is wrong, my house is wrong, I'm not married yet, I don't have kids, etc.

Friend: Wait, what's wrong with your job?

Me: It's not down the street from her house.
If you've ever had a conversation with someone in an irrational state, there's one of two things you can do: try to make sense, or accept that no sense is ever going to happen.

Stress follows the first law of thermodynamics. The law of conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it merely transfers. Stress follows this law. If I did not take the ball of outstretched tension held out to me, it would stay inside causing the holder distress (on an already distressed system). Because she's going through a medical crisis and I'm not, I took the ball but hot damn!

Thursday, October 9, 2014


I turned down 3 dates one recent Saturday just so I could wander around a nearby campus at dusk and take pictures. It was great. 

I'm not feeling as closed off as I was, but preoccupied. Larger things are happening, loved ones are sick. The ache of love lost is nearly gone, as is longing. I'm in a still spot and it feels right.

"I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing." T.S. Eliot 

(Sent from my phone)

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Ways in which I failed to adequately prepare for today's bedside hospital vigil, and other snippets from ICU visit

Ways in which I failed to adequately prepare for today's bedside hospital vigil:
  • Last night's reckless 1am "I'll sleep tomorrow!" Asplenia grossly overestimated Today Asplenia's ability to sleep contorted in waiting room chairs.
  • Misjudged fascination of premenopause as a topic to hold hours-long interest and did not bring a backup book.
  • Plans to catch up on email thwarted by inability to access email from hospital wifi.
  • I can't remember who I bought this Thank You card for.
  • I have now reached the end of the Internet. It wasn't worth it.
  • Placement of electrical outlet in waiting room is riiight by the TV blaring terrifying loops of Ebola news.
  • Daytime TV has made me lose faith in humanity.

Red beans & rice dish in hospital cafeteria. 

I sent this to a friend and they said, "that should be called 'red bean and rice.'"

Another friend, upon seeing the above pic: They're probably all on the bottom.
Me: Your optimism surprises me.
Friend: It's not like I have faith in kidney beans. Food settles.
Me: Ah, then this should be called "two-layer dip." I'm a literalist.

This is an issue enough to have had a sign made?!?!?!??

So, I'm guessing at least TWO incidences, if not more, of something have to happen in order for someone to order signs made, and I noticed this sign in every woman's restroom stall in the hospital:


Last snippet from hospital stay:

My mom is so cute. She's in the ICU recovering after surgery and she can barely lift her head off the pillow but a guy just peeked in looking for his mom and she motioned toward me.

"He seems nice," she whispered weakly, "maybe he's single?"