Friday, July 15, 2011

I signed up for what??

Last time I EVER do this.

So I'm doing a favor for a friend's friend's friend's friend to feed their cats while they go on vacation. Somehow I forgot that this included scooping turds. I know what goes in must come out but somehow I neglected to imagine this as a part of the responsibilities when I said yes.

"So here are the two litter boxes. Drag these over to the toilets so you can empty the litter there. We don't believe in scooping the waste into a bag because it will sit in landfills for 1,000 years."

I hear you on the green aspect. But wait, you're saying you heave two littlerboxes across two rooms into a tiny bathroom every day? I'm sorry about destroying the planet and all, but REALLY?

"Now one of the cats doesn't LIKE the litter box. He just goes on the floor. So just use these papertowels and floor cleaner for that."

Here's where I began hatching the escape plan. I have to clean crap off the floor? THEY clean crap off the floor? Who puts up with this? Hello? When the ratio of ass care outweighs the endorphin release, it's time to either retrain, hire a cat whisperer, figure out why this is happening or find a new home.

"And here, give them four of these treats and 8 of these other ones every day."

They measure their treats?? Twelve a day PLUS the heaping bowls of food? No wonder both cats are fat as fuck.

"And the water! There's a bowl on every floor and several rooms of our very large and complicated house. Please clean and refill every visit."

Why do you want to hate your life? Just have ONE waterbowl. Put it near a sink and stop torturing yourself by making everything so difficult.

"Oh! And we will fill the tub with food, just in case there's an emergency. This upstairs one here. Our last petsitter thought we didn't trust her but it wasn't that, we just like to play it safe. Oh we're SO glad you understand."

Wha-? Were you saying something? Look, I checked out 20 minutes ago. I'm just nodding to get you to hurry the *&^% up so I can get home and write about this. Do what you want but don't expect me to deal with your subsequent insect (and rodent, if the cats are too fat to hunt) infestation.

"Oh, and can you play with them?"

That's about the only thing I was hoping to do, actually. At least until one of them just gave me cat scratch fever.

"Please text us every day. Let us know how they are doing!"

Oh god. I am going to hang myself now. You just spent 49 minutes telling me how to take care of your cats while you're away for 6 days. If it takes that long to detail their care plan, you're doing TOO MUCH! They're cats. Feed, water, play. Enough!!

So, anyone want a catsitting job? No pay. The joy of scooping feces is payment enough!


  1. Wow, this is excellent timing. I was just about to sit down and write a post about kitty litter. And I think this post just gave me an idea that might solve a problem I'm having. So, thanks! (Here's a hint: instead of moving the entire litter box over to the toilet, how about scooping out the waste into a little bucket, and walking that over to the toilet?)

    For the record, I have two cats and while I worry that I'm micro-managing when I ask someone to watch them, it's nothing like what you experienced. I ask people to come every other day and just feed them, refresh their (one!) water bowl, and (yes, ick!) scoop their poop. What you're doing sounds less like a favor and more what a professional catsitter would do. For money.

  2. This had me howling. HOWLING. As a cat owner, I so feel for you.

    But Butters' shit goes in a sack. I don't care how long it's in a landfill.