I spent much time last weekend with Mr. Blackbelt and when I got home, dreamt that I plunged into the icy sea for a survival exercise with a group. It was an alarming situation, but I wasn't scared at first. We learned how to use scissor kicks to break up the ice and how to stay afloat by blowing up the airplane inflation devices around our necks. I was aware of the danger, but knew I had a tiny window before the cold overtook me, and I reveled, for a short moment, the silkiness of the water and the peaceful, still night.
But then the rest of my group began showing signs of hypothermia. After they lost coherency, I began to get scared. We were a long way from the rescue boat and I suddenly felt alone in the sea as my comrades died off, Titanic-style. Then I woke up.
Maybe this is a metaphor for considering opening my heart again. I plunge into dangerous waters. I harness my head and take comfort in lessons learned. But the tolerance for icy water can only last so long and in the end, I recognize how truly vulnerable I am against this vast sea I cannot control.
I've been out with Mr. Blackbelt about 10 times. And I am less sure now that this could turn into something. It's still too new to fully gauge, but I am wondering if he is not really over an old beau afterall. It may be unfair to say this, as I still deeply care for those in my past too, but there might be some signs which may mean let this one go. I don't know though. So we'll see.
"I guess everything is timing..." Ani DiFranco