Sunday, March 11, 2012

I guess everything is timing

I spent much time last weekend with Mr. Blackbelt and when I got home, dreamt that I plunged into the icy sea for a survival exercise with a group. It was an alarming situation, but I wasn't scared at first. We learned how to use scissor kicks to break up the ice and how to stay afloat by blowing up the airplane inflation devices around our necks. I was aware of the danger, but knew I had a tiny window before the cold overtook me, and I reveled, for a short moment, the silkiness of the water and the peaceful, still night.

But then the rest of my group began showing signs of hypothermia. After they lost coherency, I began to get scared. We were a long way from the rescue boat and I suddenly felt alone in the sea as my comrades died off, Titanic-style. Then I woke up.

Maybe this is a metaphor for considering opening my heart again. I plunge into dangerous waters. I harness my head and take comfort in lessons learned. But the tolerance for icy water can only last so long and in the end, I recognize how truly vulnerable I am against this vast sea I cannot control.

I've been out with Mr. Blackbelt about 10 times. And I am less sure now that this could turn into something. It's still too new to fully gauge, but I am wondering if he is not really over an old beau afterall. It may be unfair to say this, as I still deeply care for those in my past too, but there might be some signs which may mean let this one go. I don't know though. So we'll see. 

"I guess everything is timing..." Ani DiFranco


  1. Reminds me of one of my favorite songs, even though I am not really a country kid...

  2. Glad to see you are enjoying yourself without rushing in.
    Can you two still spend time together until you have a better idea how attached he still is to his ex?

  3. May I chime in? Perhaps the icy cold water is the state you have put yourself in (emotionally, and you can read that in many different ways and) whereas we know that your warmth (of heart) and keenness of mind will keep you longer afloat and alive than most in the same situation... You need to come in out of the cold. Allow some warmth into your (perhaps) romantic, or actual physical life. When have you given yourself permission to just cuddle, get warm, feel closeness with another (platonic or romantic)? Your physical needs are part of your survival no matter how you see it intellectally.
    Am I way out in Left Field here? If I am ignore the above.