Monday, March 26, 2012

the poison of depression

I found this snippet I'd written in my diary last year:
I understand the difficulty of loving someone who struggles with feeling worthy. It is absolutely wrenching to believe at your core that love is strong enough to save someone from themselves. If only people could see themselves as they are seen by others.

I spent so many years trying to convince him he was worthy, intelligent, incredible, amazing. I can't even tell you the number of times I collapsed in tears, unable to reach him, weary from the attempts.

It was recently that I realized no amount of love would be enough.

That, I'm afraid, is my failure. It is a white-hot spear of pain I will carry inside me always. I don't know that he will ever fully know or anyone else will ever understand how hard I tried. When it got to the point that loving him was hurting me, I had to leave. It felt like a matter of survival. I didn't want to do it. I still worry about how he's doing.

I understand what it's like to try to reach someone, shout into their soul their worthiness and finding that the fortress inside is soundproof.

No matter how much you desire, you cannot save someone else. Love and will are not enough.


  1. I would agree with all of it except that it is your fault. Sometimes, as hard as it is to accept, it just doesn't work.
    Doesn't make it any easier though...

    This also points to a wonderful amount of empathy on your part.

  2. Thank you, ElGuapo... that's very kind and much appreciated.... you're a wonderful blog buddy, the best kind. :)