Or maybe the parakeets? Are parakeets codependent?

I thought maybe I'd try to make my next post funny. Except I'm in a shitty mood and the wide array of hilarious topics at my disposal now are slack in provoking good ideas. Worthy blog fodder must either involve impromptu genital sightings or wetting your pants at work. Comedy = tragedy + time, and I'm missing the time element here, folks.

Day 1 of missing him I almost adopted a 17-year old orphan.

Days 2-7 of missing him, I considered rescuing a pair of troubled parakeets, driving to California, becoming a psychotherapist, relocating, and buying a funnel cake truck. Maybe this is when I buy some cats?

Watchu gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk?

New friend:

Him: You're different than I thought you'd be from your blog.

Me: Like what? Oh, you mean because I'm not morose emo girl?

Him: Actually, yes.

Me: I'm actually not really a morose person. But I am on my blog sometimes. It's where I let the dark parts out. ::pulls hair over face:: I should have globbed on makeup and gothed it up!

Him: Now you look like Alanis Morissette!

So I bring to you my favorite Alanis song.

Whatchu gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk?

And you don't want no drama....

if this is true, I am one courageous mofo.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu

thank you frailty...

The Four Agreements

I've been really trying to follow ideals of honest, open communication, like the principles below:

The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz: 

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your words in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

doors

"The doors we open & close each day determine our lives." Flora Whittemore

I told someone wise my story last week and their answer still reverberates. "He needs to do what he needs to do. His behavior makes complete sense, actually. But what matters is, is it comfortable for you?"

it's NOT fine.

If someone is acting funny but they say "everything's fine," everything is NOT fine.
However, it could be:

• Everything is not fine but they wish it was.
• Everything is not fine but they're not comfortable talking about it right then.
• Everything is not fine but it will be fine soon enough.
• Everything is not fine but they haven't exactly put their finger on what's wrong and so talking about it feels premature.
• Everything is not fine but it doesn't really have to do with you.

Stonewalling (which one of Dr. Gottman's four horsemen of the apocalypse), is when people shut down, when they don't want to talk about what's not fine. But if you think about it, there's a reason. It's usually because talking about it doesn't feel safe.

Why wouldn't it feel safe? Well, maybe there's a worry that the other person's reaction will be unpleasant -- maybe they'll be angry or hurt or cry or some other reaction that doesn't totally feel comfortable. Or maybe that's happened so often in the past that it's just a natural reflex now, almost unconscious.

"95% of a person’s emotional reaction is to their history and 5% is to the event that triggered it." Al Turtle

They say it takes about 20 minutes for the adrenaline that is released when in an alert, guarded state to clear out of the body once the trigger goes away.

It's good not internalize this; that doesn't do either person any good. If a friend shut down, I might be like "oh bubbie, what'sa matter?" And be all extra nurturing. That feels much nicer, eh?

The one-date phallacy of the dancer's body

A post-surgery conversation with my abs

The abs will always win. They just will.

The catalog of NO: dates that died on the spot (or never made it off the ground)

I'm a picky MoFo:

1. The Diamond in the Rough: No, because you were dressed zhlubby and didn't pay for me. I'm sorry, but the total bill was $11. I offered to pay because I'm not actually a money-grubbing bitch, but a lady is always charmed by a gentleman. 
2. The Terrified guy: No, because you looked terrified of me the entire time. I'm not really a terrifying person. I'm actually pretty nice. Really, it's okay, you can just relax and enjoy the date.
3. The User: No, because you told me about all the other dates in which you slept with the women and then never called them again and I don't need to take a ticket for that queue.
4. Supreme Judge & Ruler of the Universe: No, because you were boring and mean and all you did was criticize how fat everyone was and make fun of your last date.
5. The Thoughtful Creep: No, because you said on your profile that you were 5 inches taller than me but you forgot to include the negative sign because you were actually shorter than my nephew was when he was 12. Rule #1 is the woman cannot feel like a big-boned, acromegalic neanderthal next to the man. That is a decidedly unsexy feeling. Also, you texted me at 5am to "wake me" after our first date. That is a really nice boyfriend gesture... and a really creepy first date one. If I feel like I might have to get a restraining order, that's generally not a positive sign.
6. Mr. I Hate You: No, because you couldn't stand where I live, everything I stood for and the fact that I don't drink milkshakes. (But at least this was a mutual "No" and the guy never contacted me again.)
7. The Runner: You seemed cool but we were too terrified to eat around each other, and I just don't think starvation is a healthy "together" activity.
8. The Inappropriate Jazz Man: No, because you almost married a friend and then, when this fact was revealed, backpedaled. (Actual conversation: Me: "I don't feel comfortable dating an ex of a friend." Him: "A relationship does not an ex make!" Um, call it whatever you WANT but the bottom line is NO.)
9. Mr. "But We Lead Separate Lives Now": No, because you're still living with your "ex."
10. Mr Charming: No, because in addition to living with your "ex" too (geez, is this really common or something??) you mentioned, "I'm really trying to stop smoking so much pot."

Prospective Date #1: No, because you texted me a picture of yourself all pouty before we even MET, making me worry that 3 texts from now will be "Achievement unlocked: genitals!" Dude, you're not auditioning for Magic Mike. Texting before meeting is inappropriate unless it says "I'm running late."

Prospective Date #2: No, because you said you were into writing bloody horror stories and, I dunno, do you get your inspiration from your dates?

Prospective Date #3: No, because I had to assemble a team of interpreters to analyze your email because it was completely incomprehensible. I was two steps away from forwarding it to a mental hospital for an intervention.

Prospective Date #4: No, because you sounded like Bill Clinton on my voicemail and all I can hear is "I did NOT sleep with that woman!" As charming as he is, Bill Clinton is just not my type.

There's more, but most are too "meh" to mention!

Yes, dating is very, um, educational.

How to make good decisions

When my nephew was 9, he came home with a homework assignment that struck me. The teacher was trying to emphasize a linear thought process in decision-making so kids could learn how to accept responsibility for their actions. It required asking yourself 5 simple questions.

5 Questions for Decision Making:

1. What are your thoughts?

2. How do those thoughts make you feel?

3. When you feel those feelings, how do you want to act?

4. What would the consequences be for those actions?

5. Are those consequences you like?

Whoa. Read ANY news story and imagine if they'd gone through this process first -- would there even be a story? I mean, apply it to anything: road rage, bullying, cheating, lying, overspending, drunk driving, exceeding the cat limit, avoiding laundry, acting mean, being self-righteous, cluttering your car, overeating... I mean, all kinds of things that can cause trouble and regrets.

What if everyone did this?

They were teaching my nephew this in 4th grade. It's such a simple concept that it can be taught to 9 year olds yet how many people actually do this?

It can be tough to manage intense feelings. You make good decisions when you are not struggling with your feelings. It's one reason why it's so easy to see what your best friend should do but not yourself: you're not clouded by feelings.

What do you do when you are beside yourself? When you are lost, scared, lonely, raging, lovesick, heartbroken, uncertain, bewildered, or overwhelmed?

"Make good art." 
~ Neil Gaiman

It's about escape sometimes, isn't it? Look at the biggest industries in America: food, entertainment, sex, drugs.... we all want escape. It's because it can be tough managing intense feelings. What do you do with sadness, rage, loneliness, despair? There are good outlets and bad outlets, but there MUST be outlets. Make good art.

Carolyn Hax writes:

"I think the topic of escaping pain has broader application, since pain avoidance takes so many forms: drinking, drugs, affairs, compulsive shopping/eating/dieting, compulsive exercise or sex, or over-the-top involvement in this or that, organizing and collecting and baking under the auspices of various worthy causes. Workaholics and over-involved parents fit here, too. Some people invest more time in their pets than they do the humans in their lives. I think pain drives more behavior than we realize, and so it’s useful to look at our choices occasionally with their pain-relief potential in mind. It’s also a compassionate way to look at some difficult people in our lives, just by asking, “Is s/he in pain, too?”" ~ Carolyn Hax

I have an announcement to make. I am... demisexual.

I am demisexual.
This means I only experience sexual attraction
after deep emotional connections are formed.

So true!!

What do you want? REALLY want?

Do you want something?

What do you want?

I mean, really want?

Here are some common things people want:

• To be fit
• Get more sleep
• Downtime
• More money
• Feel better in body
• Write a book
• Improve a skill
• Learn a language
• Meditate regularly
• [insert your desire here]

So, what is it you want?

What do you want SO BADLY that you are willing to change?

Wanting alone isn't enough.

You have to want it so badly you're willing to DO something about it.

It's not going to be easy, I will warn you. That's why you're not already doing it -- because it entails sacrifice and effort and those things feel shitty, especially at first. Life already feels hard enough. Most of the time we self-soothe, who has the energy to impose extra burdens (voluntarily, yet!) on ourselves? Plus, results take forever. You have to do the shitty, hard thing for months before you start to even see a glimmer of results.

Change involves a lot of planning and sacrifice.

What do you ache for? Do you yearn enough to switch it up?

“Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right.’ Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.” – Napoleon Hill

SHITTY DATE RECAP

Just got back from a blind date. OMG that was horrid. HORRID! I think we both hated each other. When dude wasn't grabbing his junk and "adjusting" it, he was rapid-firing questions and then not listening because he was too busy shifting his unmentionables.

Him: Where you from? [adjusts junk] 

Me: New Jers... 

Him: OH NJ, right? [adjusts junk] But WHERE, like central or what? 

Me: Yes, right in the cent... 

Him: Central? [adjusts junk] 

Me: Yeah, where Bruce Sprin... 

Him [shifting uncomfortably]: Why do you live here? You should live downtown. It's more important to me to live walking distance to stuff. 

Me: Um, well I wanted a short commute to work. 

Him: Well you could live in Columbia Heights, that'd be against commuting traffic, and then you could be walking distance to stuff. Green line, right? [adjusts junk] 

Me: I live 10 minutes away from work now, no interest in moving. 

Him [adjusting]: But you'd be DOWNTOWN. 

Me: I go downtown when I want, it's cool. 

Him: But you could LIVE there. [sideswipes junk] 

Me: [faceplant into dinner] [WHYWHYWHY did I break my Coffee ONLY rule WHYWHY]

...

Him [adjusting pants]: So, I don't think we really like the same hobbies. I mean, I'm into sports and tv. I'm not really into animals or camping. 

Me: Do I say somewhere I'm into those things? [Searching for my stereotype... Where did he get that from? Cause I sure as hell didn't say it in my profile, as I have no pets and I hate camping. Um, people with long flowy skirts like animals and trees?] 

Him: Well, we were talking about dogs. [tugs belt buckle] 

Me [thinking PLEASE refresh me because I have 15 conversations going right now on that dating site and I really don't remember any of them attacking the existence of animals.] Oh, because you have a picture of a dog on your profile. You have a dog! And I said he was cute.  

Him: Oh yeah, he was, but I just gave him up today. [rocks forward] 

Me: [facepalm]

...

Him: But I REALLY like to watch TV and movies and you're not really into those things. I mean, what do you DO if you don't watch TV? [rubs pants with thumb like expecting a genie to burst out] 

Me: [facepalm]

...

Him: Well, let's get some dessert! I want a milkshake. Want a milkshake? [pulls on waistband] 

Me: I could go for some ice cream. [FUCKING FEED ME CHOCOLATE TO MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE, JESUSDEARGOD] 

Him [adjusting]: You don't drink milkshakes??  

Me: Not really but ice cream is awesome, I can get a cup of something wherever we go. 

Him: I can't believe you don't like milkshakes! Who doesn't like milkshakes?? [WILDLY adjusts junk] 

Me: I didn't SAY I *hated* milkshakes or anything, I just prefer a cup of ice cream. 

Him: But MILKshakes! [throws hands up in disgust at my lack of discerning judgment in dairy-based desserts] [drops hands, swipes junk] They're SO. GOOD.  

Me: [facepalm]

I got a goddamn cup of ice cream. He adjusted his pants 20 more times but I didn't give a damn because now I had chocolate with PEANUT BUTTER. We sat, facing away from eachother, dripping ice cream all over the street (yes, his milkshake leaked), lost in mutual worlds of disgust and hatred; world's apart: untamed shrew that I was could never appreciate the divine finesse of blended confections sucked through a straw. That was the happiest ending to a date I have ever had. It's OVER, YAY!