I'm irritable today.

I'm irritable today. Venting:

1. Thanksgiving is SUCH a pain in the ass. Every year, my mom threatens to bowl the turkey down the driveway because she hates everything and everyone on that day, and then the rest of us catch it and hate each other. Conversation revolves around NOT triggering turkey-bowling, until someone brings up politics and religion, and someone always does, and I am usually the only person in the room with different views so I get the joy of feeling attacked while pouring gravy. If you haven't had this experience, I highly recommend it. It's great.

On top of that, the drive that normally takes me 4 hours takes 6 because of traffic, and it's not even congenial traffic, it's angry traffic, because everyone on the road is heading into a situation just like the above.

2. I made the mistake, in an effort to "include" family, of telling them the Cyclist and I went on a bike ride.

A BIKE ride, mind you, not a romantic date with roses, right? But idiot me sent a picture as proof: the cyclist and I looking ratty and worn, on top of a wooden overlook in some nature preserve. I have my arm extended with my shitty phone camera and we are attempting weak smiles. The bags under my eyes are so dark it looks like I have black eyes and so I am attempting to hide this by angling my face slightly towards him.

My mom replied: "OMG YOU ARE CRAZY ABOUT HIM, ADMIT IT!!! I SEE YOUR FACE!! YOU LOOK SO HAPPY."

::facepalm::

IT'S BEEN 2.5 MONTHS. Yes, I like him. I would like him a lot more if he made eye contact and seemed to like me back so please do not start shopping for the mother-in-law dress. We are still working on the getting-to-know-eachother part. I do not need the pressure of frenzied, hopeful exclamations to ward off Old Maid syndrome. And YES I just happen to look happy when I smile. It's a signal genetically honed in humans for millions of years: bare your teeth and no one attacks.

It's going to be a blast when I get to tell her it's over.

Oh and they JUST invited me to bring him for Thanksgiving. That wouldn't be awkward at all, nope. "Dinner isn't awful enough, why don't you bring the guy you like so we can alienate him before he likes you too much to run away?" RIGHT?


3. So, since I brought it up, I do like him. A lot. I will reserve the "crazy" label for a point that feels appropriate, like mutual feelings.

4. VENUS WILL BE IN MY HOUSE OF TRUE LOVE the entire time I am going to be completely unfucking available and traveling the entire next month. Fuck! Or whatever the hell planet will assist with my total and true happiness forever. I'm doomed. Clearly! And don't say, "oh you will meet him on your travels!" because I'm going to be sitting on 40 acres of farmland in a cabin alone with only horses and rabbits outside   for some of that time. It can't get any less likely to happen before New Year's, I'm just saying.

off-guard

Spent the weekend cycling with the Cyclist. Three days of bike riding
bliss. I was worried he'd want to scale Mt. Everest since he's an
athlete and I'm, well, NOT, but he let me set the pace and seemed
content. Like, content that I was content which was weird because I
half-expected him to bark out expectations I'd be sure to fail, like
"One more hill! So what if it's ninety degrees? Work hard for me!
Prove you're worthy of my attention! Plus you need to work off that
last oreo!"; not because he's ever done this but because some part of
me is still used to disappointing.

I haven't really mentioned the getting-to-know him part to anyone
because experience has taught me to be wary -- people unfold and you
only find out whether the fit works over time. But not including the
hiccup where I thought we'd end things and shift strictly into a
friendship, it's been about 2.5 months now that we're slowly getting
to know each other. We don't talk about feelings and we haven't had
the "let's be exclusive" talk yet, and I can't tell how into me he is
because he is reserved but my goodness he treats me with care. A girl
could fall for someone that attentive and kind.

Like, one tiny thing that caught me off guard: while watching a show
together, he called out from the kitchen "want a yogurt?" "Sure!" I
said. He brought over my favorite flavor, one he happens to hate. Not
only did he pay attention during my boring, unsolicited "zomg I love
that flavor" testimonial but he went out and BOUGHT some. Just for me.
When I didn't even know if I would ever set foot in his apartment
again.

He also walks me out to my car no matter the time or weather or even
if I'm parked right out front and only have 4 steps from the elevator
to my front seat. And then he hands me little care packages secretly
assembled while I am getting ready to leave -- apples carefully cut &
wrapped for my ride home and fig newtons for a later treat.

I am the effusive, affectionate one and I can't always tell if he
welcomes this or merely tolerates it but I fill with warmth when I see
him anyway because of the way he treats me. Maybe he went to Boyfriend
Finishing School and this is just his M.O. but lucky me, to know this
private and sweet soul for whatever time we continue to share.

ACK!

The Cyclist is coming over soon to CYCLE and ack, my leg muscles are killing me from god knows what since I didn't work out at all this week and my place is a wreck and my roommates have left onion peels on the floor in the kitchen and leaves all over the living room and I still haven't made it to the mailbox so there's mail sitting all over my desk and did I even pay the rent this month? AND I have no food to offer him except a packet of dry miso soup mix but no time to go foodshopping and barely any time for a shower and I can barely walk because I'm so sore from the obviously enormous task of rolling out of bed making it doubly embarrassing that he's all buff and in shape and emailed me this morning to let me know he'd be over for our giant bike ride AFTER he went to the gym. He's pumping iron and I'm applying ice packs to my legs so he won't know how hard it'll be for me to pedal. I hope I don't have a heart attack on the trail trying to keep up. Also this is the first time he's going to see my place so it really needs to be spotless.Yikes!

Now I must do all teh things!

So this happened.

This is an old subject but I'm condensing stuff from various places all to here. So this happened once:

Guy: "Marry me?"

Me: "But it's only been 5 minutes."

Guy: "But I can tell you're the one."

Me: "Can we at least wait 20 minutes?"

Guy: "Fine, I'll wait until the end of time for you."

Me: "Don't "wait" because I don't know if I'll be ready in 20 minutes or even *40* minutes. Maybe never."

Guy: "That's okay if I can't have you I don't want anyone."

Five minutes passes...

Guy: "Uh, hey, I reopened my dating profile and met someone. I wish it had been you but whatev."

::headdesk::

Isn't it just easier to LISTEN?

I keep having this bird's eye view of human behavior:

person A: I don't like x. Stop doing it. (Where x is teh crazy, or mean or shitty or condemning or moody or inflexible or whatever behavior.)

person B: Noooooo!! (Justifies reasons to keep doing x, why x cannot stop, why you're wrong to dislike x, whatever. May even "gaslight" to get you to quiet down.)

[time passes]

person A: I'm really unhappy because X keeps happening.

person B: [head in sand]

person A: I'm leaving.

person B: WHAT???

Isn't it just easier to stop doing the thing person A hates?

suffering is overrated

me: "Have you ever been in a stormy relationship?"

him: "No. I don't understand that."

I don't understand it anymore either.