Monday, November 19, 2012

I'm irritable today.

I'm irritable today. Venting:

1. Thanksgiving is SUCH a pain in the ass. Every year, my mom threatens to bowl the turkey down the driveway because she hates everything and everyone on that day, and then the rest of us catch it and hate each other. Conversation revolves around NOT triggering turkey-bowling, until someone brings up politics and religion, and someone always does, and I am usually the only person in the room with different views so I get the joy of feeling attacked while pouring gravy. If you haven't had this experience, I highly recommend it. It's great.
On top of that, the drive that normally takes me 4 hours takes 6 because of traffic, and it's not even congenial traffic, it's angry traffic, because everyone on the road is heading into a situation just like the above.

2. I made the mistake, in an effort to "include" family, of telling them the Cyclist and I went on a bike ride.

A BIKE ride, mind you, not a romantic date with roses, right? But idiot me sent a picture as proof: the cyclist and I looking ratty and worn, on top of a wooden overlook in some nature preserve. I have my arm extended with my shitty phone camera and we are attempting weak smiles. The bags under my eyes are so dark it looks like I have black eyes and so I am attempting to hide this by angling my face slightly towards him.


IT'S BEEN 2.5 MONTHS. Yes, I like him. I would like him a lot more if he made eye contact and seemed to like me back so please do not start shopping for the mother-in-law dress. We are still working on the getting-to-know-eachother part. I do not need the pressure of frenzied, hopeful exclamations to ward off Old Maid syndrome. And YES I just happen to look happy when I smile. It's a signal genetically honed in humans for millions of years: bare your teeth and no one attacks.

It's going to be a blast when I get to tell her it's over.

Oh and they JUST invited me to bring him for Thanksgiving. That wouldn't be awkward at all, nope. "Dinner isn't awful enough, why don't you bring the guy you like so we can alienate him before he likes you too much to run away?" RIGHT?

3. So, since I brought it up, I do like him. A lot. I will reserve the "crazy" label for a point that feels appropriate, like mutual feelings.

4. VENUS WILL BE IN MY HOUSE OF TRUE LOVE the entire time I am going to be completely unfucking available and traveling the entire next month. Fuck! Or whatever the hell planet will assist with my total and true happiness forever. I'm doomed. Clearly! And don't say, "oh you will meet him on your travels!" because I'm going to be sitting on 40 acres of farmland in a cabin alone with only horses and rabbits outside   for some of that time. It can't get any less likely to happen before New Year's, I'm just saying.


  1. As far as number 4, eh, how bad it can be.

    You should bring the cyclist. You'll know by the end of the day if he'll stick around, or if you should let the cops know there's a crazy man running down the highway screaming...

    Even with al of that going on, Hope you have a happy thanksgiving! My high point will be seeing the Verrazano bridge looming in the distance. So close, but due to traffic, so far...

  2. I'm gonna second what ElGuapo has said... Trials by fire most often anneal us, forge something new, or destroy us, leaving only cinders.
    "Just think of the stories you will be able to tell your children..." I have heard in various forms to convince me to try something I would not have before.

    I also have a similar list (#4) of widely various tasks and have decided to do as many as I can, pacing myself and with crossed fingers hoping to get it all done... I have hope. [still stressed, but hopeful]

    If not to make the peace, at least think about bringing wine, it might (I really have no idea with your family) mellow some folks out.

    Laugh at the hyperbole of anger, as it is comic in some way, a cartoon/caricature of a stereotypical "terrible" family gathering.


    I'm sure you'll have the Sandy aftermath and concern for friends and neighbors in common..."There are so many that are not as fortunate..." I could be wrong.

  3. I will try to offer some holiday solutions...
    1. Set up pins at the end of the driveway before you go into the house. If someone brings up politics, not only agree with them, one up them. If they say they are pro-life, tell them you are pro-pro life if they say they are pro choice, tell them you are so far beyond pro choice. It's more fun one upping than arguing. Let that turkey roll.

    2.Nothing says romance more than looking like hell. Tell them with your sudden change of politics, the cyclist dumped you cold, right after you took the picture.

    3. That's all you.

    4. That's it? You are right, No Biggie.

    5. Maybe your true love is a horse or rabbit who are we to judge. The stars know all.

    Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :)