Sunday, April 29, 2012

Bathroom tales (a collection of the funniest, most gut-wrenching food poisoning stories on the 'net.)

Diarrhea stories

diarrhea
Matthew Baldwin tweeted once: "Guy in front of me at the salad bar is assembling his lunch with the ease and speed of a man struggling through an LSAT exam."


If he hadn't said "guy" I would've thought he meant me.


Louis CK said recently "I'm within a 48-hour window of a diarrhea attack at ALL TIMES. Every outing must be planned according to the proximity of restroom facilities." Maybe he was the guy on line in front of the thrilled Mr. Baldwin.

I originally started this collection of diarrhea stories in my head. I am the pickiest freak on the planet with food. Meat on the salad bar? No. All-u-can-eat buffets? No. Deli meat 4 days old? Forget it. (Heck, deli meat in general is just gross.) Second serving of chicken an hour after dinner? Too many people breathed on it? Just bought it, not expired for a month but it smells weird anyway? I didn't see you wash your hands before touching it after you pet the dog? Wilted, slightly slimy lettuce? Rejected!

I'm not this way on purpose. I would love to eat off the floor. Life would be so much simpler if I didn't need to mentally calculate the location of every acceptable emergency bathroom within a 50-mile radius of my person. See, I was blessed with an extremely sensitive digestive system that, when challenged, exacts a revenge so complete that it will cause several deaths before allowing me to emerge reborn just a tiny bit wiser.

toiletI am embarrassed to admit I have snuck away with my laptop to the, um, facilities. And there I would seek comfort by looking for stories of the similarly afflicted -- tales of abject misery, utter woe and deep regret over poor food choices realized too late. I've bookmarked my favorites but hell, I was inspired by LivitLuvit's TMI Thursday earlier today, "straight from the control room," (below) so I thought heck, why don't I just make a list so y'all can share.

I mean, dues WILL, and have been, paid by us all.

I should mention two important things:

1. I didn't write these.
2. They're extremely graphic. You've been warned!


"The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza."
— Marc Ostroff


The internet's best diarrhea stories:

Also funny:

Child's book on explaining diarrhea FAIL: The Moose with Loose Poops.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

New yoga pose: Sex as an Amphibian

Today's yoga class shoulda been called "101 ways to make love to a floor mat" -- all the rubbing & gyrating! I'm like, "why can't we do 'Downward Dog'? Why do we have to do 'Sex as an Amphibian' while he is 2 inches behind me?!?"

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

We're flawed, all of us....

"We’re flawed, all of us, and hoping to find an ideal person is not only pointless, it’s also dehumanizing to people to expect them to meet your ideals. All you can realistically hope for are people who are self-aware enough and responsible enough to try to keep their frailties in check." ~ Carolyn Hax

A good message to remember. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to look for perfection. All you have to do is try. Be aware and be kind.

Monday, April 23, 2012

quotes, links, an observation, and a quick update

"Ask yourself, 'What is it costing me to be in this relationship?' If the answer is your dreams, identity or dignity, the cost is too high." -- Dr. Phil

Yeah, I just quoted Dr. Phil.

Here's another sentiment along the same lines. Someone asked James Altucher "When is it time to leave?" (You know, if you're even asking, something's not right.) He says, "have the arguments worn you down to the bone? That's when it's time to leave."

And a third thing, along the lines of things that wreck relationships: an article on the 4 easiest ways to accidentally ruin your relationship -- from Cracked, so it's funny as hell -- but also true.

I don't have any fight left in me anymore. 


Saturday, April 21, 2012

Strangest group of things ever (unintentionally) purchased together

So, today I offer you: the strangest group of things I ever purchased that were (I swear!) completely unrelated to eachother:

1. Tuck's medicated hemorrhoid pads

2. 5 lb jar of Vaseline

3. a pickle

!!

Yes. I bought these things.

I was 14 and standing in line at the grocery store with my best friend when she glanced at the checkout belt and said, "Um, I'll be outside."

That's when I noticed what I was buying.

Most of the items were not mine (except the pickle).

(Well, the jar of vaseline was a gag gift. That I probably should have purchased separately!)

Friday, April 20, 2012


“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” ~Unknown
I love Carolyn Hax. She states the logical so eloquently that I literally feel my shoulders relax whenever I contemplate her advice. Yesterday she wrote about the embarrassment that happens at being different. I love this because my own path hasn't been traditional and I sometimes feel pressure to follow the same milestones as my peers. And then I have to remember that it's ok, I'm doing the best I can, for me.

Carolyn writes (on telling peers the honest low-down):
Why would anybody care? There's no shame in anything you say: renting, being single, not having children. If anything, the ones who have some societal explaining to do are the ones who grab at milestones because they feel they have to, and not because they're the right choice for them personally.
But even then, I hesitate to condemn them, too, since the more charitable frame of mind is to see people of all kinds as taking their best shot with the life experience that's available to them at the time -- married, single, divorced, unmarried but paired. A little relief from social comparisons would do us all good, methinks.
I love her kind and accepting outlook. Read full column -->

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I do not own sufficient underclothes.

I went on a bra strike over a decade ago in a silent protest at the wires and padded cloth that make up most bras. It is extremely difficult to find suitable bras when you're small and don't mind. The only options either falsely elevate, have padding to add "dimension," contain stiff wires for "lift," or have tight bands whose makers assume your middle must be as thick as your thigh if your cup size is that small. I could never just find a normal bra.

Just shopping for one left me exhausted. I would try on every brand, make and model, carefully prying each from the hangers and slithering into position, arms twisting unnaturally around back to grasp futilely at the clasp while pushing the anti-theft device aside, shoulders popping. It always took several tries before I was fully "clasped."

Then, since no real bra can be determined to fit without viewing it under clothing, I'd have to hike my shirt back on and angle back and forth in front of the mirror.

There was always something wrong. If the bra fit, the cloth was too scratchy. If it was soft, the back bands were ugly and wide, creating unnatural folds. If it was pretty, it was a torso tourniquet. If it was comfortable, it offered no "coverage," and if it was perfect, it only came in a hideous, boner-reducing skin pink.

All that and THEN I'd begin tiresome task of reclasping and folding each one neatly back on its hanger, returning home empty-handed.

Every year I would do this, and every year I would remember "oh THAT'S why I never do this. Man, I HATE shopping."

But then I discovered the semi. (Cue rainbows!) It's basically a half halter top / sports bra. Goes on quickly with no fuss or fumbling, the material is soft, doesn't restrict movement AND doesn't make me look weird or unnatural. YES!

I have not missed wearing a bra in over a decade. What about you? Do you favor a particular kind of bra? You ever go without altogether? (That I can't do in public unless wearing the baggiest of sweatshirts.) What takes priority -- shaping, coverage, or comfort?

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

 I saw this in an advice column:
Q. Dear Carolyn: I am not completely healed from my childhood — but I am getting there. Is it okay to get married and move on while healing at the same time? My gut tells me to go with it — and take it one step at a time.

A. I can’t know whether you’re ready for marriage, but I also don’t believe there’s a magic point where people become “well” or “fully healed” or whatever else we shoot for. Growth is lifelong if you’re doing it right. That said, here are two things to look for before committing to anyone: the strength to live honestly, and the ability to take good care of yourself and the people you love. The latter is straightforward, since a “hot mess” by definition can barely manage one or the other, much less both — and, too, meeting your needs and your partner’s tends to be mutually exclusive in unhealthy relationships.... Why just honesty and good care? They’re key to preserving your sense of yourself within a relationship — allowing you to maintain good relationships and escape bad ones. That’s really all anyone needs.

--Carolyn Hax, From http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-boyfriends-dislike-of-exes-is-sign-of-distrust/2012/04/09/gIQAujbg6S_story.html

Monday, April 16, 2012

But that's not what ships are for.


“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.” ~William Shedd

Thursday, April 12, 2012

You can have your horse, and I can NOT have a horse, and we can both be happy.

Some of my single friends say, "I could never do that. I could never open an online dating profile. I just don't really WANT a relationship right now." Awesome. Know what makes people happy in life? Doing what you want. I don't want a horse and so I'm not looking for one. But my NOT wanting a horse shouldn't affect you. You want one? Go get your horse, I'll not get mine, and both of us can be happy.

(But note: it would be annoying if every time you saw me, I reminded you how much I don't want a horse. This applies to everything, by the way -- a relative used to come over, look at one of my fake plants and loudly exclaim, "I hate fake plants! I could never have fake plants." Gee, I'd almost forgotten! I mean, you only told me 99 times. I'm glad you mentioned it again so I can be sure to catalog your fake plant preferences.)

On a serious note, what kind of life do you want? Do you have what you want? What do you have to do to work towards it? What little steps can you do today to someday create the life you want? Knowing is the first ingredient. Persevering is the second.

One of the best life lessons I learned was watching a friend's father in business. He started ten businesses. Nine failed. A lesser person might've said, wow, "I guess I just suck at business" and stop trying. But he kept persevering. The 10th business was a wild success and he's a multi-millionaire now. Perseverence!

The trying and failing sometimes happens within relationships too, but if we try our hardest and love without expectation, the experience alone is a gift.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Try; always with care.

I thought about the beautiful excerpt in a book I'd read recently:
"Imagine you live on a planet where everyone has a skin disease. Their entire bodies are covered with wounds that are infected, and those wounds really hurt when you touch them. Of course, they believe this is the normal physiology of the skin. Even the medical books describe this disease a normal condition. When the people are born, their skin is healthy, but around three or four years of age, the first wounds start to appear. By the time they are teenagers, there are wounds all over their bodies.

Can you imagine how these people are going to treat each other? In order to relate with one another, they have to protect their wounds. They hardly ever touch each other's skin because it is too painful. If by accident you touch someone's skin, it is so painful that right away she gets angry and touches your skin, just to get even. Still, the instinct to love is so strong that you pay a high price to have relationships with others.... You cannot touch others because it hurts them, and no one touches you because they make the assumption that it will hurt you.

If you can imagine this, perhaps you can understand that someone from another planet who came to visit us would have a similar experience with humans. But it isn't our skin that is full of wounds. What the visitor would discover is that the human mind is sick with a a disease called fear. Just like the description of the infected skin, the emotional body is full of wounds, and these wounds are infected with emotional poison. The manifestation of the disease of fear is anger, hate sadness, envy, and hypocrisy....

Humans live in continuous fear of being hurt, and this creates a big drama wherever we go. The way humans relate to each other is so emotionally painful that for no apparent reason we get angry, jealous , envious, sad. To even say "I love you" can be frightening. But even if it's painful and fearful to have an emotional interaction, still we keep going, we enter into a relationship, we get married, and we have children....

We put up barriers for protection, to keep other people away, but those barriers also keep us inside, restricting our freedom. Humans cover themselves, and protect themselves, and when someone says, "You are pushing my buttons," it is not exactly true. What is true is that you are touching a wound in his mind, and he reacts because it hurts....

Imagine that one day you awake on this planet, and you no longer have wounds in your emotional body. You are no longer afraid to be who you are. Whatever someone says about you, whatever they do, you don't take personally, and it doesn't hurt anymore. You no longer need to protect yourself. You are not afraid to love, to share, to open your heart.

~The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz
I will try.
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” ~MaryAnne Radmacher