Favorite status updates from my Facebook feed:
"Woke up and saw my shadow this am. Doesn't that mean I get 6 more hours of sleep?" JW
"It's a good thing they call this movie "There Will Be Blood" because you need that promise to get through the first hour in which nothing happens." RC
"Just witnessed the ugly side of gym hazing. A bunch of bodybuilders opened up some other body builder's locker while he was in the shower and replaced his gym bag with a really gaudy, pink Coco Chanel purse and then ran away giggling." KC
"It probably would have been healthier to deal with my Code Orange-level stress through yoga and meditation instead of pork rinds and soda. Oh well." RC
"Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire." TP
"My kid's high-chair tray is 'dishwasher safe.' Translation: It doesn't fit in the dishwasher. Genius." KM
"Valentine's Day science from my dad: "A new study has shown that women with large backsides live longer than men who mention it." DW
"Based on lengthy research at area supermarkets, I've made a significant scientific discovery: Snow is a laxative." BG
"Who is the genius that watched the sport of luge and thought, "That would be so much better head first, with my chin scraping the ice?" SL
"A kitchen worker's nametag here says "Jesus in Training." MC
"I woke up and saw my shadow, which means it's 6 more weeks of hating myself. (It was a fat shadow, and yet, now I order pizza.) NM
"Someone told me yesterday that there are only two things people complain about: 1.) The way things are, 2.) Change." KC
"At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled, 'Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.' The bartender was almost crushed to death."
"Had choice of 2 documents to pull up on the projector at a 7:30am meeting. One had a list, the other had 'Where the fuck did I put my notes?" I picked right!" JW
"I need to figure out how to explain to my cat that work from home does not mean pet him until he is satisfied." Daniel Sheehan
"'My marketing plan is to create a clever, inexpensive campaign and have it go viral' is the modern equivalent of 'and then fairies will make the shoes while we sleep.'" KC
"Facebook needs a button for "Your [insert diet, belief, cause, etc.] evangilism has finally outweighed your hotness." DP
"The Cheers theme song sounds inspiring until you realize the message is: "Fuck it. Just go to the bar. Only other alcoholics appreciate you." TM
Me: (Placing beef cubes in the cart)
Lady: Oh, what a happy baby!
Me: (Noticing that a roughly 70-year-old woman has appeared from thin air and is now swallowing our child) Yes, he is.
Lady: (Making faces) Hi. Hiya. Whatcha watcha Zabayadaya (or something resembling that)
Me: You sound like you're casting a spell.
Lady: (Laughing) I am. I've had three myself, and it will keep them smiling.
Me: Well, thank you. Just one for us.
Lady: My third one was unexpected, after I went back to school to finish my degree. They're all blessings.
Me: (After deciding not to say, "Shouldn't you have been studying?") Well, no one can say you didn't have fun in college.
Lady: Damn right.