"Listen to what you know instead of what you fear."I've been fearing facing my feelings for the sweet-natured guy I met last August when the Cyclist and I were on a break. It was friendzoned after the second date because I still had feelings for the Cyclist. We've developed a friendship, however, and recently I have been quietly noticing how thoughtful and good-natured he is and how nice it feels to have someone really into me. He's been mailing me chocolate, by surprise, with sweet notes and the latest batch included a funny story. He signed it, "Always in my thoughts." My heart softened and I thought I could really get used to this.
But.
He snagged surprise tickets to a concert Friday, scooped me up and took me into the city, treated me wonderfully, even bought me one of the band's CDs and his eyes shone when I squealed in pleasure.
I lack the proper anatomy to say this next part accurately but I feel like a complete dick... after he dropped me off, I didn't long for his company or reminisce about our evening together. Even when we were together, I didn't feel drawn to him or want to hang all over him the way I do when I'm into a dude. I can only be affectionate with someone if I really like them.
My BFF is visiting from out-of-town this weekend and we spent the weekend laughing our heads off and chatting about our love lives. I told her about this situation, how I wanted to like him, that it had all the markings of good relationship material but.... BUT.
"Well, you just don't really have those feelings for him," she said.It feels wonderful to be appreciated but if your heart doesn't skip, the union is missing whatever it needs to drive you to crave their company.
"Well, maybe I will develop them," I wondered. "It took me a while to cement feelings for my first love."
"Yeah, but you were a teenager then! Now you know what you want. You've known him for 8 months, that should be enough time to figure out if you like him. What do you feel when you think about seeing him again?"
"I don't really look forward to it."
"Then you shouldn't force it."
I don't know what it is.
He's handsome, very handsome, actually. He has a ton of admirable qualities that I like. I trust him. On paper, he has everything I'd be looking for in someone, plus he thinks I'm awesome. But I don't feel it, and if you are going by the "fuck yes or no" policy, since I am not saying, "fuck yes!" the answer must be no.
It makes me sad. I wanted to be in the same boat.
"You can't make your heart feel something it won't..."
Part of me dreads the upcoming conversation. But we weren't actually involved and didn't actually spend a lot of time together so it's not like it was love or anything so it shouldn't be too bad, right?
I hope I never made the Cyclist feel any worse than natural for not being in the same boat as me. It's a good lesson though: why would you try to get something from a person who cannot give it? It's good for me to see this from both sides.
It doesn't sound like a bad karma, ore like a good thing to know.
ReplyDeleteGives you empathy for the other side of the coin, and hopefully a little understanding that any lack of emotion fro the Cyclist isn't you at all.
Sometimes (sadly), it's just not there...
If you're not feeling it, be honest about it--with yourself and with the other.
ReplyDeleteWe're designed to be able to eventually be okay with just about anything short of a life-threatening situation. So, in a sense, you can, indeed, "learn" to "love" someone. Heck, that's what most of the history of marriage appears to be centered around. (Seeing as how for most of history women don't really seem to have had much say at all in who they marry,)
That "learned love," though, pales in comparison to actual, natural Love. Natural Love is a kind of recent luxury we've been afforded. It wasn't always a choice we could wait for. But now... now we can. And, in my opinion settling for anything less does everyone involved a severe disservice... and is a recipe for an eventual divorce (or, at least, a lot of unhappy years and likely a bunch of cheating somewhere along the way).
Just think what can be done with all that time and energy that's spent learning to be "in love" with someone. When the Love is already there, there's so much more potential for so much else it's just mind-boggling.
And yet... most people will still swear up and down that it's better to settle for "good enough"... that's also mind-boggling to me...