This is what meditation looks like at first:
"Omg my friend's father died today how is she doing now? Maybe I should change my career to help my own dad before it's too late but could I make a good living being a kidney nutritionist? When do I talk to the professor about this... thing... between us and dear god, he wants to give me a computer, which is so thoughtful but I cannot possibly take that no matter how hard he is trying to convince me it's just "extra" there will still be strings attached and if it's really "extra" why didn't he sell it on Craigslist, but he mentioned having a lot of stuff, does he hoard? I can't be with a hoarder. But that doesn't matter, I already determined it wasn't going to go anywhere. Aww I miss the Cyclist so bad but my BFF said it takes 8 weeks for the bonding hormones to leave the body so give it that long before deciding about missing him. Fuck, I left the kidney disease membership printout in the fucking printer at work. I hope they don't sell my name because my mailbox is too small for all that paper. This coming weekend will be the third weekend in a row where I've got a strict schedule and now I have to help my friend whose dad died too, when am I going to help her clean out his house? I wonder if they like lasagna, it's easy to drop off and last a long time but it's not that healthy. Hmm. Chinese food instead? I need to find a craft fair for May and June, time is getting away from me. How do I patent an idea? I have to book a weekend to NY to see my aunt like I promised. What should I wear for my new date tomorrow?"
This is all actual, true stuff. I stopped my meditation to write it all out - seriously this is hilarious! Look at everything I have to do! I'm not stressed about 90% of it because it's mostly stuff I *want* to do.
The key to meditation: you just observe the thoughts, all of them. You don't engage with them or follow them down rabbit holes, just let the stream of consciousness flow through like water until the chatter dissipates. Until it's all thought out. It's so relaxing.
Basically there's a giant to-do list in my head that include tiny thoughts and big, huge, life-changing ideas... some time I shall make the space to follow each in thought and see where that leads. But not tonight. And not while meditating!
(Sent from my phone)