Friday, May 2, 2014

Singles: what to say when people ask about your love life (from the Carolyn Hax column)

Choice favorites from the comments section on the perfect deflectors for those awkward, unwelcome forays for information about your nonexistent love life. (All these come from the comments section on the Carolyn Hax column, I did not write them. For one, I hate wine.)

1. Deflect: Immediately turn the conversation back to them:
  • "How's Jimmy doing on parole?"
  • "Did they manage to fix up that botched nose job on Eloise?"
  • "Have you gotten up to a dozen cats yet?"
  • "Enough about me, how is your herpes coming along?"
  • "How is it you're still married?"
2. The Repulsion Technique: Answer with such a horrid reply that they will be mortified to pursue any further:
  • "Nope, I'm too busy sleeping around."
  • "Not yet, but I'm pen pals with several imprisoned felons so wish me luck!"
  • "I'm not looking for marriage, I'm just looking to get knocked up!"
  • "My boyfriend needs new batteries."
3. Confirm their suspicions that people are only single when there is something wrong with them:
  • "Oh I guess I'm just an awkward old maid."
  • "I had a nice boyfriend but then I ate his liver with a nice chianti."
4. Remain cheerfully upbeat: never reveal how much you hate being single:
  • "Why aren't you married yet?"
    "Just lucky I guess!"
5.  The Passive-Aggressive stance:

"I was dating someone but then I told him about my nosy family and he ran for the hills!"

6. It's All YOUR Fault (or some variant), because this is funny:
  • "When are you going to have children?"
    "Whenever your son gets over his fascination with anal sex."
7.  The honest confrontation: that will probably ruin your relationship with that person (which might be the goal):
  • "What makes you ask such a personal question?"
  • "You're the xth person to ask me that today."
8. The patronizing answer (yes, it sometimes has a place, even if it's only to make you giggle as you consider it even if you'd never actually use it):
  • “Aren’t you . . .” sweet/funny/curious/determined/[your not-unkind word here], with a smile, and then “Excuse me, I need to rescue a friend.” (They don’t have to know that, in this instance, you’re your own friend.)
  • “Why do you ask?”
SOURCE: Inspired by the comments from:

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