1. Deflect: Immediately turn the conversation back to them:
- "How's Jimmy doing on parole?"
- "Did they manage to fix up that botched nose job on Eloise?"
- "Have you gotten up to a dozen cats yet?"
- "Enough about me, how is your herpes coming along?"
- "How is it you're still married?"
- "Nope, I'm too busy sleeping around."
- "Not yet, but I'm pen pals with several imprisoned felons so wish me luck!"
- "I'm not looking for marriage, I'm just looking to get knocked up!"
- "My boyfriend needs new batteries."
- "Oh I guess I'm just an awkward old maid."
- "I had a nice boyfriend but then I ate his liver with a nice chianti."
- "Why aren't you married yet?"
"Just lucky I guess!"
"I was dating someone but then I told him about my nosy family and he ran for the hills!"
6. It's All YOUR Fault (or some variant), because this is funny:
- "When are you going to have children?"
"Whenever your son gets over his fascination with anal sex."
- "What makes you ask such a personal question?"
- "You're the xth person to ask me that today."
- “Aren’t you . . .” sweet/funny/curious/determined/[your not-unkind word here], with a smile, and then “Excuse me, I need to rescue a friend.” (They don’t have to know that, in this instance, you’re your own friend.)
- “Why do you ask?”