Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Connecting with the inner compass

This is my last night of living in my head and it's been so nice savoring the past few days. Tomorrow I have a date to see ~him~ and will see if there's *really* something there, like we think. (Not that we're going to slip on a banana peel and have sex -- my frigid ass still waits for that --but we haven't even *kissed*, so, yeah.)

The past couple of years, my heart has remained an inpenetrable black coal inside my chest for anyone other than the Cyclist, despite trying (and before that I don't even want to talk about it). 
So this seems to be an experiment in freefalling.

It isn't pretty.
I don't really seem to have control over the when/why part -- lawd knows I've dissected other possibilities in my head and thought they'd be fantastic matches... if only I could make myself feel.

Not happening.
I used a recent meditation tool to evaluate the current lineup (when there was one). The exercise is to ask yourself the following 4 questions before making a big decision, if you're unsure. (This works for anything, not just love -- it's just a way to connect with your inner compass.)

(Or you could just ask your mom.)
Questions to ask before making a decision:
1. Does it feel like freedom or entrapment?

2. Does it feel easy or forced?

3. Does it feel very fun, compelling or stimulating?

4. Does it feel like peace or mania? (Is there an inner stillness?)
A truly healthy decision passes all four with flying colors.

This is how I was so easily able to narrow down the recent possibilities. I went out with Last Year Guy and while sitting next to him at the salad place, I imagined sitting next to him at the salad place a year from now, and something in me suddenly felt trapped. And the idea of getting together again felt forced. It did feel peaceful, however, and usually even felt fun, but for whatever reason, it only passed 2 of those 4 questions. Who knows why it wasn't resonating? Maybe someday it will -- he's such a great guy, I wish it could have worked.

Anyway, so we'll see. Tonight is the last night to pretend I'm ready for love... tomorrow is the test!


  1. Exceptionally good questions.

    May you have clear and distinct answers that bear you in the direction of great joy and fulfillment.

  2. Aww thanks Kier! Hey we get to catch up soon, I can't wait!

    1. Yep. Though I'm quite certain you'll have better stories to tell than I will... ;)