Recent times, summarized.

On scoping potential roommies:

"Yeah heeeeyyyy, sorry I never got back to your email from 3 weeks ago but I was thinking maybe you could drive me to see your place tonight and then drive me to the metro after, and maybe when I move in you could just drive me everywhere I need to be since your place isn't convenient to anywhere. That'd be greeeeat."

..........
On meeting his kids:

"Can we tell the kids that just before tubing we're gonna swing by Corporate Inversions and Tax Policy? Here's a quarter in case they have a vending machine. I only have one quarter so be sure to get something all can share."

..........
On temporary insanity (not mine):

"Hey now that you met a great guy, you should have a baby!! Three months, pfft, isn't that a common law marriage anyway? Git crackin'!"

..........
On replies that will only be funny to me:

"If YOU want a horse, get a horse! You can be happy having the horse you want and I will be happy not having the horse I do not want. Even?"

..........
On discovering new affectionate nicknames for each other:

"BFF + GF = GFF?"

..........
On finding yourself holding a terrifying wad containing a moist, brown organic substance balled inside a napkin found under someone's ass on the couch:
"Should I wash my hands?"

(Note: if a portion of one's fork is inedible, do not tuck half-chewed lump into pocket in attempt to mitigate the rejected food's unsightly appearance on the table because the alternative is much, much worse.)

..........

On buying a dress that one realizes is almost identical to one's bedroom curtains only after it is too late:

"Isn't there a scene in a movie about this?!?"

..........
On realizing the new couch bed is spectacularly uncomfortable:

"fffffuuuuuu!"

(So I called the furniture store to investigate specifically why sleeping on it is like sliding down a mountain for 8 hours straight and so they scheduled a Furniture Technician to come by at 7:45am tomorrow.

Earlier they called relentlessly and when I finally picked up, were notifying me the appointment time changed from 7:45 to 7:47am. I'm sorry I was grumpy. I'm now getting TWO whole minutes more of sleep, I'm set!

..........
On falling more and more in love with this guy every day:

"Pinch me, I must be dreaming!"

Three months. I'm so happy. <3

Meet the parents (I guess I should see that movie now)

We didn't plan for it this way, but we both met each other's parents this weekend. We had lunch scheduled with his folks yesterday but then mine turned out to be passing through today so we braced for a busy schedule and made room for it all. (Oh yeah and then there was the friend intro Friday!)

Thank goodness for cell phones giving us a heads up on changing!

 So, it's official now.

Meeting family & friends is the relationship version of a tree falling in the forest problem. It doesn't feel as real until you witness it happening.

It went wonderfully. He comes from this amazing, loving family (now I see why he's such a fine, kind person) and my own parents loved him! My dad is the most awesomest father on the planet but even though he's great, will still size up a good dude for me when he meets them. He tries to do it inconspicuously but I can usually tell it's happening. This time I could tell he saw all the spectacular things in my guy that I saw too. <3

Something changes...

"Something changes the moment you decide you've found a person you are ready to reveal parts of your soul to. Something stands out and makes the moment unique. A profound multidimensional clarity resembling a piece of carefully gathered stardust; As if you are whispering "finally" and your eyes fill with light and spontaneity. As if you do not care whether your heart will melt or crumble in the process because your brief courage undoes your tremendous fear of disbelief. You live for these moments; For you are, maybe for one second or more, sweetly forced to surrender yourself to unconditional intimacy. A moment of psychological reward smashing all self-imposed disciplines founded on terror. This is all you need."

~ Anais Nin

(Sent from my phone)

Love ^3 <3

Amazing boyfriend grows even more incredible by the day. I'm so happy I can hardly stand it. I keep thinking it sounds ridiculous to explain, how could I possibly convey this wonderful connection, but those who know me seem to understand this isn't like me, that I'm not the type to run around gushing.

We have this uber bond that keeps growing deeper even when I think it's reached some kind of maximum. Like, "okay, this is the top of the line of happiness and contentment, cool, cool" and then he does something, like appear in my door, face slightly flushed from the cold, scarf wrapped tightly around his neck and I am suddenly flooded with love because there he is, still so new but smiling that special smile I have come to revere in our most intimate moments. Or we are watching a movie, all cozy under a fleece throw and I am convinced there is no greater heaven than next to his side, cuddled together and laughing. Or he brings me tea made his special way, or reaches for me in the morning, wrapping his big arms around me, murmuring love notes and pulling me close.

Oh, I thought I knew love before. I had no idea.

"We always believe our first love is our last, and our last love our first." ~George John Whyte-Melville

(Sent from my phone)

Terribly in love...

The one that got away

 This is rare, but I disagree with one of last week's Carolyn Hax columns:

Q. Dear Carolyn: Can any good ever come from telling someone they were the one who got away? I’m figuring usually not . . . so why is it so tempting? ~Anonymous

A. Is it possible even to know that about someone? It’s counterfactual. You weren’t with them so you don’t know what you would have had. It’s tempting because you want to see what it’ll stir up. Do resist, though, unless you’re both free agents. Thanks.

You wouldn't know that someone was "the one" unless you were together, right? So there goes that "you weren't with them so you don't know." You DO know.

But I say revealing this depends on the motive. There needs to be none. Either you share because it could bring you two together (maybe they felt that way about you too) or because it would be a gift. It may bring a sense of peace that the other person may really appreciate. But you cannot be attached to an outcome or your motive will be obviously manipulative.

If you're in a serious relationship and feeling that way about someone else, it's a sign that your needs aren't being met. That's unlikely to change unless the reason is because your standards are unrealistic; if not, you're going to forever be dissatisfied. And if things with exes (more than one) routinely seem to look more rosy after they're gone, then it may not be that each was "the one" but perhaps that it's difficult for you to connect with your feelings while in a relationship (a whole other thing to explore). Also, if there's a chance the other person already knows (you told them and it still didn't work) then sharing that now is pointless (unless the issues between you two were really about timing).

It's all I ever wanted.

<3

Your feelings are your barometer

I recently moved, and with the move, began a giant purging campaign. I'm going through old diaries tonight and man, it feels good to toss them. They helped me then in the way a best friend talks you off the ledge: writing is a way to work through big emotions, to stay stable on the bucking horse of insanity when it rears around you. A witness to the quiet voice in your head that knows it isn't right even if you've never known anything else.

What could I possibly do to make someone so angry that I throw them into such a rage? I don't know how to write about it. I can't even think clearly, all I can do is feel little stabbing sensations of hurt. I can't see what I'm writing because it's dark and I'm trying to hide. It hurts so much inside. It shouldn't be like this, basic tenets should not be forgotten: respect and care. No need to crush the person.

I wrote that over 15 years ago.

I finally understand what I've done wrong. 

What I've done wrong is, when someone loses their shit, you don't engage. I don't care if it's your mom, your husband, your best friend or your boss. You walk away. Disconnect.

If your heart is beating fast, you're in fight or flight mode because your body already knows what your mind will not acknowledge: the conversation feels dangerous. There is no way to make progress in a situation like that. And especially not if the other person is berating you.

If you try to respond, you're just entering the room of crazy. So you must leave. The only thing that an irrational person responds to anyway is behavior and your presence gives implicit permission. You must protect yourself from the onslaught and leave.You must value yourself enough not to let it happen. Not to let someone treat you in a way that makes you feel terrible.

What's your barometer for tolerance? Your feelings. If you feel shitty, pay attention to those feelings. They're telling you something.

Nearing the end

The past few months, I:

- Fell in love
- Bought a home and moved in
- Had a birthday
- Sprained toe
- Went to three states at nearly opposite ends of the country
- Saw childhood BFF
- Found out ex of 17 years will be a dad
- Organized entire digital life (2,000 photos, etc.!)
- Started drawing again after a small hiatus
- Experienced changes at work
- Hugged a friend through every chemo treatment until she reached the end (I think she's going to be okay!)
- Found inner peace (really, it found me)

What a way to end the year and possibly even the direction of this blog. It's served a wonderful purpose. Will contemplate, but welcome 2015!