Tuesday, February 24, 2015

It gets deeper. Also, take your vitamin D.

Some things:

1. Panera, a place I have resisted solely because I have no use for bread or pastries, has come out with an addictive new stew. It's this lentil-quinoa thing with tomatoes and lemon, and I must figure out how to fucking make it. If you, by any chance, have stumbled across their secret recipe, please share!

Stew, however, is another story.
2. My brakes have been freezing up in this frigid weather. It's somewhat alarming to back out of a parking spot only to find a rock-hard pedal upon shifting into forward. That happened on an ice patch and I continued sliding until I got enough of my bearings back to yank on the emergency brake. Car-guy dad says it might be water in the brake line since apparently this isn't supposed to happen. Car's in the shop now.

3. In fucking bone-bruised toe news, if you have ANY kind of bone issue, you best make sure you're not deficient in vitamin D. Calcium needs that shit to lay down new bone for repair. (D'oh!)

4. Amazing Boyfriend and I are going on our first trip together this weekend! Things continue to blossom beautifully. It's not that we haven't hit any friction at all in 4 months, it's that when we have,  cliche as it sounds, it ends up bringing us closer.

I'm learning about a new kind of trust. Some of this my last BF showed me, but is expanding now. Not trust like "I trust that he won't cheat on me" but trust like "I can tell him how I feel and he won't react in a way that hurts me."

When there are tender spots or triggers or difficult topics, Amazing Boyfriend and I still take care of each other. There isn't a sense of betrayal over honest feedback. Toxic reactions include shaming your partner for their feelings ("How could you SAY that?!?") but hey, you feel what you feel, and both of us understand this. I can even feel something that doesn't make sense and he's still tender with me.

Case in point: last week, I found myself feeling vulnerable after hearing a story with his ex. No reason to doubt his feelings or worry that he wanted to reignite their union -- at least not logically -- but I needed a little extra TLC just to feel connected.

Maybe I need more flair...
I didn't want to ask for it or even mention that I was feeling vulnerable. I think it's okay to have a past and it's even okay to still care about someone from that past without it threatening our present -- we are human, afterall. You don't stop loving people you've loved. You stop pouring so much of your present energy into them, maybe, but you still wish them only the best.

Anyway, he's uncannily observant (and I am terrible at hiding my feelings) so he could tell right away I was preoccupied. He's tuned on a deep level (even though we are so young!) and took me into his arms to murmur love notes into my hair. I melted into him, it was exactly what I needed. I didn't need him to erase the past. I just needed the present to feel very vibrant.

Anyway, life is good. Even though it's February and was 4 degrees out when I woke up this morning.

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