Wednesday, December 1, 2010

odd feeling realized

So, I left a physical therapy appointment a couple days ago and driving home, I was struck by this odd feeling spreading throughout my body. I realized with shock that it was joy.

Joy, because I'm taking care of myself.

For a long time (ever?) I don't think I even knew how to put myself first. And when I left my long-term relationship, doing so was like ripping my Velcro-d soul from a bond that had existed for years. I don't think I ever believed I was worthy. Plus being with him was like being with the president: how could my meager existence matter in comparison?

The other part is the huge amount of guilt I felt. Leaving didn't mean I didn't hurt too, that I stopped caring, or that I wanted to cause pain. I was full of knots that I'm still untangling. I still have to fight thoughts about whether or not I deserve to be happy. So that feeling of joy -- hey, I matter too -- took me by surprise.

A hearty thank you to those who believed in me anyway. You don't realize this but your conviction held me as I went fumbling in the dark for my self-esteem.


  1. This is beautiful. And you deserve to have this feeling more often.

  2. Get used to that feeling of joy, it's one you deserve. Remember no one can take feelings or esteem away from you, unless you let them.

  3. Believing in an awesome girl like you? Aw, shucks, twernt no problem. Easy actually.

    You'll get my bill. ;)

  4. My fav alltime post...