Well, 2nd date tonight with the... I don't know what to call him yet. So let's just try Guy 2, until things sort themselves out with Guy 1.
While walking to dinner, he reached for my hand and I noticed then that my heart felt like a cold block of ice. I felt nothing, and then I felt depressed that I felt nothing, because I had so been enjoying our emails and he has kind eyes. But okay; it took me 4 months to warm up to my first love. I am not unfamiliar with this possibility.
It wasn't until the movie that I started to thaw the tiniest bit. He put his arm around me and nestled his fingers into the hair at the base of my neck, a move that is maybe my favorite thing ever but almost NO ONE does this, and I didn't know how to react. What's the appropriate signal for "don't stop but don't dare do a THING extra or I will run away"?
Or at least one that is not like this?
Afterwards, we sat in my car and I felt sad while he told me how much he liked me, thinking "FUCK, I better cut this off before I hurt him" so we talked about where we were.
But then something interesting happened. I could see that not a single ounce of him felt rejected when I shared what was going on in me. It was the "it's not you it's me" speech and he GOT it, he really understood, and he seemed to care more about my feelings than his.
Usually when I start getting the "I'm not where you are" speech, I can't even hear them over the sound of my own insecurity. But his response had an odd effect on me. It made me relax, and then I started playing Tarbash the Egyptian Magician and suddenly we were laughing, and there was nothing awkward between us.
Then we said goodnight to a date that was turning out quite wonderfully, and, like an absolute idiot, I backed out of the spot and scraped a concrete cone I couldn't see because I was driving while dating, and my car made a noise like a 7-car pileup and then my front bumper snapped off.
It was an awesome cap to the eve, I highly recommend wrecking your car, especially in front of someone you are still trying to impress.
He texted me later, "It's been my past experience that someone getting their car trashed on a date usually happens around four months into a relationship..."
My heart may have been unpenetrable to start but he was kind and didn't put any pressure on me whatsoever, and THEN helped me clean up. I dunno. He's kindof a really great person.
And that was date 2 with Guy #2.