The past two nights I've been having the first dreams ever of my ex husband being kind to me, of us being friends again. It's bizarre. I don't have these thoughts during the day but it's the first time I've been dreaming them, really.
This may mark the first time since everything broke up that I have truly started to miss him and wonder if I made a terrible mistake. It makes me want to howl with pain and loss.
I woke up both yesterday and today struggling with complex swirls of emotion. Warmth, emotional-longing, loss, pain, regret, anger.
Wishing I could explain what happened, have him understand what great emotional pain I was in, how two years earlier when I threatened to leave... THAT was the growl before the bite and yet he didn't realize how close I was to the end and what that would eventually mean: loss of our relationship, home, abandonment of our dreams and the discarding of memories. THAT was the edge, 2 years earlier. I was so close to leaving then and yet hung on for another two years.
THAT would have been the time to make the big changes and yet I hadn't been able to impress upon him my desperation.
And so things didn't change.
The few times we went to counseling then, expressing myself felt like a terrible experience and so I further locked down my feelings; tamping down a cauldron of emotion which would build in pressure until the final explosion which obliterated the entire relationship, destroying not only the cone itself but scalding the surrounding earth so that it'd be too sterile for any stray tendrils of hope to grow.
He still didn't grant me space, didn't make me feel safe enough to express my pain, and couldn't be there for my own problems. I didn't know how to tell him I was dying inside when he was fighting the battle of his life. He was always fighting the battle of his life. I thought I could keep swallowing my needs but I failed.
And so I ran, and I ran for a year and more, until now. I don't need to run anymore. I'm either too tired or settled enough or safe enough to face the demons. I don't know which. But here I am.
I am a realistic person and I recognize there would never be any way to reconcile or salvage any kind of relationship after what's transpired. I see the scorched and lifeless earth. I hang my head and move my aching self slowly and stiffly forward.