Friday, June 24, 2011

another ending.

Well, it's over between the artist and I.

I don't really know how to talk about this right now so I'm heading to sleep. All I know is I feel shitty, I never wanted to hurt anyone, why do people act so mean when hurt? What hope is there for world peace when people who care about eachother can conjure up daggers? Recognition of my frailties and the vagaries of human nature have me exhausted. How small and fierce we are and yet how little it all matters sometimes.

In the end, I guess it couldn't last because I didn't feel that elusive sense of home.

It doesn't mean that I am not mourning, however.

I am catching myself saying things like "okay, so you learned..." and then stopping myself short when I hear bitterness. I don't want to be bitter. I want to be grateful for the chance. Caring doesn't end just because it's not a good fit. I have loved sweaters that shrunk. They didn't shrink on purpose. We all try our hardest, right? Even when we're not. Even when we're having a terrible day and we've slept 4 hours and nothing seems right, even then we're trying our hardest. Maybe especially then.

Someday I will try again. I don't know when but it doesn't matter anymore.


  1. Sometimes not trying so hard is the best way to try. Maybe, that's the sense of home you are looking for. The sense of not having to try so hard all of the time.

  2. It always hurts. Even when it's your decision and you know it's for the still hurts. You have every right to be sad because something ended in your life. Losing the hope of a future or your go-to person is tough. I hope you feel better soon. *Hugs*

  3. I'm sorry to hear this, but in a way I'm not surprised. Although it seemed like the artist was patient and understanding and loving and said/did all the right things, you always seemed to keep your distance. (I base all of this on what you've written here.) I never understood that.

    I guess he just wasn't what you were looking for, wasn't "home", as you say.

    This makes me sad for you and for the artist, of course, but also makes me wonder if K felt the same way about me. Which makes me sad for me. Why is it so hard for two people with such a strong connection to want the same thing?

    Take care. It will get better.

  4. Awww, shit! I *hated* reading that headline. If you think you're better off, and that you did what was right for you, then that's one thing. Then I stand behind you 100%.

    But even doing the right thing sometimes feels like hell. Losing Brodkey was so hard even though I knew it was so right and had been a long time coming.

    You're wise to try to look at it from the standpoint of what you learned. What else can you do, really?

    I'm sorry that your heart is aching. Thinking of you. Hugs.