Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Dating advice for dudes: how to make a woman fall for you

Actual message I received yesterday:
Guy: I want to be happy and I believe I would be happy with you. Call me!

Don't do this.

How to make a woman fall for you:

In a nutshell: make us feel special, like we are amazing to you, that kind of attention is intoxicating.

A lot of women I know were not interested in a guy at first until his persistence made us rethink things.

BUT here's the fine print.

In order for this (your persistence) to work, it has to be:
  1. Genuine (not a player move).
  2. Not creepy.
  3. Not stalkerish.
  4. Not in the face of an overt no.
  5. Not when there is a complete lack of reciprocal interest or response. 
If you already know what her limits are, respect them. For example, one of mine is that I will not date anyone younger than me by more than a few years and even then, it better be compelling. Been there and I am not interested in doing it again. Also, I will not date any men who once dated a friend. There are certain doors to me that should remain closed. Maybe I will rethink these rules someday but for now, that's my comfort zone.

So if you have someone you want to approach, how do you get her to like you?

Evaluate your requirements and how you yourself measure up:

1. Make a list of what you want in a woman. For every quality you list, put a check mark next to it if you too have that quality. Like attracts like. If there are qualities you don't have a check mark next to, those are things you can target. For example, if you like someone who's very into fitness but that's not your strong suit, focus on your health for a few months to increase your odds of her finding this attractive about you. They're good guidelines for staying realistic about the kinds of partners you want and what you yourself can offer -- these things should be somewhat equal.

2. Be a good friend. How are you when growing a friendship with a good buddy? Same stuff applies with women. Spend time together, laugh, respond reciprocally.

Red Flags

We all try to regret-proof the future but unfortunately there are no guarantees. Here's how to make good relationship choices ("choose the highest quality person: the most sane, intelligent, honest, kind, reliable, sensible, generous, warm, good-natured person [you] can find") and keep an eye out for red flags that clue you in for someone who may have trouble spots. You don't necessarily have to rule someone out when you see a red flag, but they're listed here for a reason: note them and proceed with caution:
I compiled this list of red flags with my buddy R.:

1. Demonstrations of Rigidity: A woman who is too picky about seating arrangements, location or time of your date may be showing signs of rigidity. Flexibility is an important long-term relationship trait.

2. Hints of Selfishness: If your date doesn't offer to pay the bill or otherwise make some effort to contribute, red flag. Selfish partners will not give, bend or tend to you when you need it and a relationship is all about give and take, not just take. Some guys have told me that women openly asked how much they make or if they could afford to support them. (That's not just a red flag. RUN!) I still think it's gentlemanly for a guy to offer to treat but a decent partner will be appreciative and not want the balance of effort to be yours alone.

3. Poor Communication:
  • Poor Social Skills: Is she grunting one-word answers? Is she monopolizing the conversation? Does she seem extremely closed in her body language? Can you imagine bringing her home to your parents? What about to your friends?
  • Content of Her Words: Does she complain about everything? Look for positive, upbeat conversation. Examples of how the whole world did her wrong could be a sign of a victim persona; get in line, you could be the next one she vilifies.
  • Future-Talk: You just met and are only getting to know each other. If she mentions introducing you to family, taking a vacation together, or some other plan too far in the future, red flag. You don't know each other yet.
  • Head-Over-Heels Too Quickly: Undying love professed too early is a warning sign. This person may be in love with love or desperately lonely. R. says, "Women who say, 'I'm in love with you' or 'I love you' within the first couple of dates, well, this is a red flag. 'I like you,' is fine. So is 'I want you' and possibly even “I'm falling for you,' depending on how things are progressing. Think about how much you know about the person. Do you know their favorite color or any of their childhood memories? If a person has not opened up to you, how can you have love?" 
  • Inconsistency: Do their claims match their actions? If not, they are misleading you or themselves or both.
4. Care: When she is contacting or interacting with you, you should sense that she values the conversation and interaction. Signs that she doesn't: poorly-constructed, lazy emails (grammatical errors are a red flag of this to me), not returning phone calls in a timely manner, not responding reciprocally, not showing the same kind of interest as you. If she isn't responsive but does explain herself, that's a plus (people who value you will explain their behavior to you).

5. Spite or Malice Towards Exes: It's okay to bring up an ex in context but when it gets extreme or obsessive, then it is an issue. From R: "If she can treat someone that she once loved that harshly, I do not want to be next." You also want to make sure they're not still holding a flame for someone in their past. You can learn a great deal about someone from their previous relationships. If it's all the other person's fault, this could mean that they aren't able to recognize their part and it always takes two to tango.

6. Broad Generalizations: People are so complex. If someone makes sweeping statements about an entire gender/race/religion/etc., they are not only pigeonholing unfairly but they may also be revealing that they do the thing they rail against. From R: "If she says, 'All men lie!!' perhaps it is SHE who lies."

7. Not Making You the Focus of the Date:  It is polite to be honest and, if dating around, this fact may come up but your date should be attentive to the man in front of her, which is you, not the one she met last night.

8. How They Treat Others (including their kids, if they have any): This can be very revealing. A good partner will treat others with care and respect.

9. Lack of Goals, Ambition, and Responsibility: This example is from R. because apparently it's happened a lot to him: "Women who extoll the virtues of not working and being a housewife... giant red flag. They aren't house wives and they aren't wives. It just looks like they're leeching off their exes and going to the gym in between watching Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and General Hospital. A woman who has a large house, new car, really nice clothes, expensive lifestyle, etc. and claims she's self made, yet has a low level job, well, the numbers don't add up." If someone cannot stand on their own two feet, you may end up gaining a dependent.

10. Realism: Sometimes people say they want romance when what they really mean is they want a fairy tale. Keep an eye out for someone whose head is in the clouds.

Keep in mind not to take it personally if you really want to get to know someone but she isn't responsive. Really, so much of it is timing. If you look through my history here on this blog, you can see plenty of times where I wasn't receptive because of where *I* was, not because of who he was. Sad, but not about you. Honest. Good luck!


  1. Share your thoughts! Please note that comments which are spam, purely promotional or link-based to irrelevant material will be deleted.

  2. Excellent list. Sadly, in the end, it just comes down to whether it clicks or not...

    Though I think it all comes down to pheremones. You have to know how to emit the right smell.
    (please tell me someone gets that reference.)

  3. Actually that is huge! I should make a whole other post about that.