The next bit of "homework" from my dating class is to establish values and traits that are important when choosing a partner. Non-negotiables are what someone needs to have to even consider dating. Nice-to-haves are bonus extras. Not dealbreakers, but something I would like to have in a partner.
- No drugs
- Good job (I want similar ambition to me)
- Close in age (ideally -3ish or +7ish)
- Available (physically and emotionally) (no one who's in a relationship or just out of a marriage)
- Faithful, not a player
- Mutual chemistry
- Treats me well
- Similar give & take / reciprocity
- Comfortable together
- Easy (no fighting or drama)
- Fit & pays attention to health
- Crazy about me
- Happy & content
- We are both givers and enjoy giving to each other
- A family man, someone who centers their life around their partner, a man who values his home (because I do and I am good at paying a lot of attention to my man)
What did you learn from making these lists?
That my non-negotiables are more about how someone treats me and how we feel about each other than about what they look like or their personal habits or preferences.
Why is it important to be crazy about the person you decide to get serious with? Isn't it enough to just work really well together?
As put by a friend:
"You could compare the current dating biosphere to a bad high-school prom. The music sucks, the punch is lame, and the cool kids and hotties knew not to show up in the first place. What's left is everyone who had nothing better to do on a Friday night. You got anything better to do? No? Then, eh, sure, date the guy across the hall. It sounds like it would go fine. You'd settle in together. Combine possessions. Comingle finances and other practical and sensible things for people heading towards a lazy commonlaw marriage. Apathy makes it all happen, eventually. And someday, after years of eating the same dinner every Tuesday at TGIFridays, you'll look over and see two young people in love, absolutely crazy in love with each other, it's like they're on fire and don't even know it, and you'll wonder, Huh, what's that like? Meh. Whatevs. Why is my burger taking so long?"And also, good advice from the Psychology Today blog: How to Pick a Better Boyfriend or Girlfriend. It's all about the traits that actually matter, long-term, not anything in a list; check it out.