Wednesday, November 17, 2010

complicated thoughts

Well, it shouldn't surprise me but somehow I hadn't anticipated it this soon. I heard that a significant ex has found someone new. I have no idea when. It could have been a while ago for all I know.

I remember being the someone new once and thinking that if it smarted for the old girlfriend, that I'd wish she could know that she hadn't been replaced, really. She was still special. And that there wasn't any vilifying of exes happening. But now I wonder: what does he say?

I have tried to handle this situation with as much grace as possible. I speak mostly of my own journey. I want only good things for those who were close in my heart. But it does hurt to consider being misunderstood.

I've been thinking about empathy lately. Not just the understanding of what life must be like for another, but the added stipulation that in those same shoes, we would do the same thing. There's too much judgment in the world. "I wouldn't do that!" we protest at the TV, advice columns, on line at the supermarket, in our heads hearing other's dilemmas.... But is that really true? If we were made of the same fibers, had the same background, same experiences, wouldn't we be that person doing those same things?

That doesn't mean that said action is excusable. But is it understandable? To truly empathize, one must consider the source as if one were that person. It's wrong to steal but suppose I were starving. It doesn't make it right but does make sense.

I hope I make sense.

I wish it were more visible that I mean well. How much I try. How much I care.

I was broken in my youth and so now I must rebuild.

Sometimes I want to hide until I'm done.
(But we're never done.)

I wrote in my last post about love. I have ideas but I'm missing the understanding of what it is to fully love oneself. This feels like a failure. But it also feels like an opportunity. Something to be discovered and explored. I've no map but I hope to find the way.


  1. I know for myself, at least, I've always had a difficult time villifying people, even those who have wronged me. I don't know why, and I know there are some people out there who absolutely cast their exes as being 100% completely evil. I also don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. On the one hand, I think it reflects that I understand that people aren't simple, and there's a lot more gray than black or white to any situation.

    On the other hand, I wonder if it doesn't make me entirely too forgiving of those who have wronged me...

  2. @geekhiker: I have such a huge amount of respect that you are like this. What a rare quality. I know what you mean about being too forgiving of those who've wronged you -- I struggle with this too. But consider that bitterness is a poison we ourselves drink and so is mostly toxic to our own selves. But I could be better at limiting or even cutting contact in those situations.