Aight, I'll talk about it.
I don't feel like going into huge detail about the incident, but basically I came across something from an ex that seemed to rub the message "I'M SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!" into my face and it hurt so bad I spent most of yesterday morning trying to extract a knife from my windpipe. Which is decidedly not a fun way to spend a Friday.
But this isn't a NEW shitty feeling. It's happened a zillion times before. It comes accompanied with the horrible, awful, no good, very bad feeling of rejection. The "I'm not good enough but ________ (<-- insert prettier, bustier, more charming, etc. girl here) is" (because THEY are together, and WE are not). See? PROOF.
Even though the incident turned out to not be what I thought, I still need to examine this frailty of mine. Because the underlying issue is the same: how wrecked I get at the idea that someone I still love is intimate with another.
I've been trying to shift my perception of rejection since it triggers so much hurt and imagine it instead like a sweater.
If I try on a sweater, maybe I LOVE it, right? Maybe the knit is perfect! Maybe I'm excited about it but oh no, it's summertime and too hot.
Or maybe my arms are too long or it's too tight in the shoulders.
Does this mean the sweater sucks? Or I suck? No, it's just not a good fit.
If I could think about relationships this way, wouldn't that be freeing? Instead of me automatically assuming I'm not good enough. I mean, aren't we all trying others on to see how we fit? Some matches are better than others?
Until I figure this out, it's going to keep stinging for the rest of my life. Because everyone I love, or once loved, is going to either be with me, or be with someone else, and since there's only one BF at a time for me, this is a long string of people to torturously imagine having sex with other people.
I think the key is to love yourself so much and so hard that you take care of yourself. You fail and fall and fight and get the fuck back up like the line in this poem (towards the end):
And I will say: you are beautiful. And I love you so much.