Saturday, August 18, 2012

My life as a cartoon.

Last night I was calmly standing on line to buy embarrassing things -- which, btw, is why I was using the SELF-checkout: so no one has to see me holding a tub of feminine products -- when the evening got exponentially more mortifying. (BTW, who names the drugstore products that are so embarrassing you can't even buy them? HERPECIN, VAGISIL, LiceX, and ANUSOL?? I have always wondered how those board meetings go.)

Anyway, so what is more awesome than spending your Friday night in a drugstore buying feminine supplies?

BUTT-DIALING THE EX YOU ARE AVOIDING WHILE YOU ARE BUYING FEMININE SUPPLIES.


I was scanning my items when I heard this distant mumbling and realized oh that's my PHONE.... and then I realized I had butt-dialed him. FUCK! We're not supposed to be talking!

I hung up immediately and texted an explanation so I could interrupt him having sex* to explain haha, isn't life funny, I am really not stalking you -- that whole thing where you just heard me scanning a box of extra large overnight pads with wings, that was unintentional, really. Pinky-swear!

...

*yes, he was having sex, I am sure of it, because once partners become exes, their lives become one big giant orgy where not only are you not invited, but it is a well-known scientific fact that the need for sleeping, eating or working is replaced with the need for sex with people who are not you.
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8 comments:

  1. Micah PAugust 19, 2012 at 4:31 AM

    The above asterisk is the most truthful truth ever truthed in the world.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Populus Es BardusAugust 19, 2012 at 10:58 AM

    Funny, I remember certain cashiers at a certain local supermarket that would intentionally scream out price checks on embarrassing products.

    Always Love to see your comics, sorry for the unfortunate circumstances.

    ReplyDelete
  3. LillyAugust 20, 2012 at 10:16 PM

    Too funny! Love the comics!

    ReplyDelete
  4. ElGuapoAugust 21, 2012 at 9:57 AM

    I now have a better idea of the pain you were in due to my stomach pain from laughing at the post.

    Um...I'm laughing with you?

    ReplyDelete
  5. TimAugust 24, 2012 at 9:57 AM

    That asterisk is hilarious because it is so true. Have you seen High Fidelity? If not, you must. There's a scene in that where John Cusack imagines his ex with her obnoxious new boyfriend: "You are as abandoned and noisy as any character in a porn film, Laura. You are Ian's plaything, responding to his touch with shrieks of orgasmic delight. No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than the sex you are having with Ian... in my head."

    Ahh. It's funny because it's painful.

    ReplyDelete
  6. aspleniaAugust 24, 2012 at 10:21 AM

    Haha! I haven't seen that but now I must. You also just reminded me of the scene in Office Space where the star imagines his BOSS having sex with Jennifer Aniston, his GF. It's here, about 42 seconds in:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZh9AL8yoo8

    Hahaha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aspleniaAugust 24, 2012 at 10:22 AM

      I keep forgetting I have to add the HTML code to make the link clickable:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZh9AL8yoo8

      Delete
  7. TimAugust 24, 2012 at 3:07 PM

    Yes! I know Office Space very well. Very similar. Here's the High Fidelity one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JenZa0vCpGI

    Those are two of my favorite movies.

    ReplyDelete

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