Saturday, September 1, 2012

What? "Fleshy orb" doesn't sound appealing on a dating profile?

"Hi, it's me!!" he was saying, as he ran toward me from the street. I was tucked into an alley next to the restaurant we were supposed to meet at, surreptitiously taking pictures of the violet-spike-heeled lady wearing a loud and aggressively matching top that passed for little more than a bra (the people watching in Chinatown is awesome) when he caught me off guard. I gave him my best "No, I wasn't just taking pictures of hos!" look and we shook hands all professional-like. And that's when I felt self-conscious.

A wee bit taller is one thing and not a big of a deal but FATTER is a different story. It's a scientific fact that the North American female will only comfortably disrobe in the presence of a mate heavier than her. Otherwise I will feel like an angler fish whose only objective in life is to absorb my man.

Female angler fish with attached male (circled in red),
soon to be absorbed.
He smiled easily and looked fun so we snuck inside the Irish bar for a drink. Conversation was easy and we laughed, and he had this endearing way of throwing back his head and emitting a throaty rise, and so we will probably meet again. We hugged goodbye afterwards but contact was stiff and awkward. I think he was scared of getting too close lest he disappear into the hefty protuberances of my fleshy orb.

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