I feel like I should be ashamed of the reason it had to end so it's difficult for me to say it. It feels like I'm broadcasting proof of my unworthiness. Like, if I were special enough, it would have overcome the barrier. Even if logically I know that's not true.
So, why did it end?
He is hung up on someone else. He likes me and all, but is crazy about her. That's why his signals were subdued.
It was really nice of him to be honest with me.
And I am really glad I asked.
The exchange was very friendly, really was a nice way to end things. But oh how I hate that moment where you both know it's over but now he has to walk you out because the neighborhood might be unsafe and you both are smiling starchy smiles and all you want is to get the eff away so you can mope alone with terrible thoughts like why am I so unworthy of love? I will be alone forever.
What a ridiculous fantasy, to think love can conquer all. Love can be crushed by the most mundane things.
This can also be read/interpreted as 'terrible', but...
ReplyDeleteYou will have so much more time to...
- Spend with friends/family
- Read (as mentioned before)
- make art, build business, exercise, dance
- meditate
- sleep better (...just enough)
- enjoy your-self
P.S. And if recent history has shown, just as you start getting some momentum with all of the above... you'll find or be found by a new prospective (love) relationship. (I could be wrong.)
P.P.S As soon as you stop looking over your shoulder...
I'm sorry to hear this. I could try to be all wise and Haxy but you're not really asking for advice, and I'm no wise guy. I'm sure you'll find love again. It will happen when it happens, and until then, just live your life and find joy where you can. Take care.
ReplyDeleteWe are living parallel lives, even though mine isn't written in a public blog. The experience you wrote about sucks. In dark moments you think: why wasn't I enough in some way to make him stay? And then the sun shines and you right yourself; you think of all the reasons it wouldn't have worked out anyway. Know this (as I repeat the same mantra to myself daily): you are too young and life is too long for you not to find love again. It will happen. It may be a LONG time until it does, but it will.
ReplyDeleteYou're not asking for anything unreasonable.
ReplyDeleteAnd in the interest of supportive commiseration, I'm pretty sure there's ice cream in the fridge.
Rock on, Asplenia, and enjoy the you time! (And later we can give the demons silly names and mock them.)