Thursday, December 13, 2012

I feel very small now

I held it in all day until just now. The number of times I have cried on the way home over boys is now becoming epic and I feel more alone than ever. I'm in a mood but I won't really mean it long-term; I want to keep trying, it's just so hard to think about right now.

I pulled one of my guy BFFs aside today to ask him the questions I couldn't ask the Cyclist.

Why? Is it that I am fatter or not pretty enough or am I too easygoing and thus not opinionated enough?

Why am I so unlovable? And why am I even going there? Why do I suck so hard, not just at fucking dating, but at obviously being strong and not giving a fuck?

I guess I will never be the person who doesn't give a fuck.

I need someone who knows this dark, awful, cold place but I am too ashamed of my feelings to reach out right now.

I hate our society that worships the kind of beauty I will never have. I hate that I struggle with so much.  I hate that life looks so easy for so many people.
  • How to keep your heart open when it breaks:
    "Siena picked up their stiff little bodies and held them to her heart. She kissed them on their teeny lips and said, “You were so loved, little raccoons. I’m sorry you didn’t get to live very long, but one little girl loved you.”
  • Permission to break my heart:
    "And I told Siena that some day, someone she loved, someone she gave permission to break her heart... might break her heart, and she might feel just like she did now, like she didn’t want to give anyone permission to break her heart again. She might want to shut down her heart so it wouldn’t hurt like it did today.... And she said, “No, Mama....When you fall in love, you should leave a little crack in your heart, even when you feel like you should lock it. And that way, the right person can always sneak in.”"
This is my gratitude list because even though I am sad now, there were some nice things about getting to know him.
Dear Cyclist,
Thank you for:
  • Introducing me to some nice music (Floating Men)
  • Making me feel appreciated for a short while
  • Being good company
  • Introducing me to the fun HBO hit Girls
  • Being thoughtful and generous
  • Sharing your stuff & space so freely
  • Treating me wonderfully anyway
To those I tried to love: I am sorry it didn't work out. But one tiny girl cared for you.

Someday I will try again. I don't know when, but some day.


  1. Ride the pity wave for as long as you like.
    We'll give you a thump when it goes on too long.

    And from someone who's asked those same questions (from a guy's perspective), enjoy this virtual hug.

  2. So much I want to say, but will not. Not now.

    I will briefly say that the meditation in the tub/shower is/was probably a nice escape, and I hope it has a calming influence.

    When I read your words, they seem to come at me at a . . .
    frenetic pace. (Slow, calm, peaceful, smile, and inspiration followed by expiration (of breath).

  3. Wanted to thank you both for your support. ElGuap, you left some really nice messages on some posts I decided to delete but they ended up being central to a better outlook... thanks so much!

  4. So much of what I read in your blog cuts so deeply in my own life. I understand so acutely. You wrote: "I hate our society that worships the kind of beauty I will never have." First of all, I think you're a way more beautiful person than so many of these floozies our society worships. But I totally get it. This feeling is what stops me from having a 100% positive experience when I'm with a guy I love, as I'm always comparing, comparing myself to some strikingly beautiful girl, who I wish would just hurriedly head to another location, before he sees her and becomes aware of this more beautiful creature, as I stand there wanting to be the most gorgeous woman in his world. It's a tragedy that our society is so shallow, and worst of all, we find ourselves buying into it through our fear.