Tuesday, March 4, 2014

cycling through the 11 stages

The ride home from his house went like this:
  1. Shame at my sensitivity, which, despite my unique fucking snowflakeness, does not feel like a gift.
  2. Irritation: why am I this way?
  3. Realization: oh, right.
  4. Self-awareness: this hurts more because of my history than because of the actual thing.
  5. Irritation: fuck! Knowing that doesn't change the way I feel?!?
  6. Indignation: I don't find fault with shit he does even though there are things I don't like either.
  7. Rationalization: well, it's his house, he's entitled to wanting what he wants and expressing that. If he stayed at your house, it may be you in those shoes.
  8. Wandering: I wonder if that other dude who seems so sweet would treat me more gently.
  9. Wondering: how much of this is my history and how much is a basic incompatibility?
  10. Realization: consider that when he understood what was happening for you, he instantly responded with kindness. That's something, right?
  11. Conclusion: welp, it's a good thing I haven't decided I'm done with counseling. 
There was a little friction and it tugged on a long root inside me. I thought about this on the way home -- anytime there's a strong reaction to something, it's because the roots lie far below the immediate situation. It's up to me to decide how to take care of myself given my bazillion frailties and I don't know exactly what that will translate to but I'm trying to shift looking at "the way I am" with some compassion. I have been told by more than one person that I can be too hard on myself sometimes. Maybe it's time to start listening.


  1. YES!!! Self analysis is good and useful.
    Beating yourself up, not so much.

    And remind yourself of how far you've come since you started dating. You've been able to open yourself up to some great experiences.
    That's something. A lot of something.

  2. Aww thanks El Guap. You always know just what to say.