Tuesday, June 3, 2014


Well, let there be a lesson in everything. With distance comes clarity, as it always does, and I can see, now that I'm feeling better, what got me.

See, if I go on a shitty date, and I can TELL they're not into me, it's not a surprise. The thing that hurts here is that I couldn't tell. I told a buddy earlier and he said, "Yeah, I understand. I once talked to a girl for 2 hours on the phone and the next day when I called, she said, 'Don't call me again.' What?!? I thought things were going great. It really caught me for a loop."

What hurts is this: how could only one of us be having so much fun? How could I have missed the obvious signs? How can I trust my own judgment if I missed the signs so thoroughly? I'm doomed!

Well, obviously, people feel a sense of responsibility to display a modicum of decency and not act how they're feeling, which is likely that they'd rather be getting their spleen removed than be sitting across the table from you, but is it necessarily better to act maybe less enthused?

I guess they don't know you so they won't be able to tell your enthusiasm's turned down so maybe there's no real choice other than to be polite and brief.

Dating isn't just about compatibility but also timing.

What makes us vulnerable when dating?
Feelings of acceptance too tied up in other people's opinions. Wanting to be done with the process. Allowing a sense of hope to creep in too soon.

The takeaway is basically: grow a thicker skin. Be more resilient. Don't put so much weight on the dates that seem good, you still never know where someone is. Let the good date spur hope that there can be more fantastic dates, not fear that this is the last great possibility on earth.
You know, lessons.


  1. Feeling really good about your realization/epiphany. Those that really care for you as a person, myself included, sometimes do not know what to say (or how best to say) what you have said above. Take time, pace yourself. Like in training for an endurance race, it takes time, it requires hard work and you have to give yourself a break (take a day or more off) to be able to recover and be ready to move forward. Surprisingly, the time of rest will allow you to become more resilient and progress toward a goal.

  2. You know all those times you went on dates and said he was a really great guy, that you loved the conversation, but you just weren't feeling it? All those hordes of guys you've "friendzoned"? Now maybe you see the other side of that: how it feels when you thought you had a great time but then it gets shut it down for no obvious reason. Would you want all those guys you rejected to think there was something wrong with them? Don't beat yourself up for something that probably has nothing to do with you. Dating sucks for everyone. :(

  3. Thank you for that, I needed to be reminded of that. I think the longer you're "out there" the harder it can be because you really can lose hope and then walk around one giant raw nerve.

    I've been making an extra effort to be conscientious to dates and even people I'm just emailing -- the process has some great ups but can be discouraging enough that I don't want to add to anyone's crummy feelings if I can possibly help it.