Social media and WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN and truths about exes

Gawd. Sometimes I hate social media. I logged onto Instagram, saw that an ex "liked" a photo I posted yesterday and thought oh, huh, enough time has passed that I can probably "follow" him again. I popped over to his profile only to have my eyes scorched by a glaringly-intimate photo of bare naked female legs sprawled out on a bed with a bowl of whipped cream tucked into the crook of her knee. B+ for artistic nudity but seriously, did I need to see that?

Also, seriously, you're posting that on the internet, dude? (Oh hai! Every time I judge someone else for being too open, I think about this blog. Love, the hypocrite.) (But at least I don't post sex pix!)

So, a coupla things:

1. This is the truest truth you will ever read:

Once partners become exes, their lives become one big giant orgy where not only are you not invited, but it is a well-known scientific fact that the need for sleeping, eating or working is replaced with the need for sex with people who are not you.

2. Why should it bother me when I ended it? A part of me is annoyed, I think, about his arrogance. Because for a short time, I was snowed too, maybe like that girl, and I thought he was the moon and stars. Will she begin to notice he will never really be present because he'll always be scanning Facebook on his phone, and he will look at other women and sometimes tell you about wanting them and then be genuinely confused that you do not welcome this information? And then he will motherfucking SNIFF you when he greets you, which will throw you off because you think he's coming in for a kiss. He will sandwich complements between criticism and then talk about the ex way too much and you will never come first in his life, but he will try to make up for it by being amazing sometimes. You will spend most of the relationship confused, on the verge of ending it right from the start and when you finally do, you will wonder how you ever allowed yourself to like someone who made you feel so bad.

And then you'll think about other times that happened, and then you will download another self-help book on the internet.

Or maybe they are really happy together and he's a different person now, or with her, who knows. In which case I should man up and graciously welcome their joy.

I spoke with someone I'd dated briefly 2 years ago yesterday, someone who once wanted to build their universe around me and I wasn't receptive. It wasn't him, I was in a terrible place and my heart was gone. Five dates and we never even kissed. We emailed a lot though, in that short courtship, and had many deep conversations. He texted me a year and a half later, "I miss that time when I was falling in love with you" and I thought wistfully about the time I could not accept the love of someone so giving. But he's ecstaticly happy now. He found the love of his life recently and sent me pictures of them together and I felt warm inside. This kind man was finally being loved the way he deserved. I wish it'd been me but you can't make yourself ready when you're not.

But maybe it was easy to be happy for him because there was a lot of honesty there.

The Cyclist and I may not talk about many deep things, but there is a growing sense of trust between us that I really cherish. I feel affectionate when I see him because he is kind to me.