Last night, the stress of recent times wrapped itself around me like a vise and squeezed until I couldn't breathe. It started because I got home close to 9pm feeling nauseous and exhausted and sick and alone, simultaneously facing freelance deadlines and pings from people wanting to catch up and all I wanted was to spend my ONE HOUR before bedtime being left alone.
When I finally fell asleep, I dreamt I was on a special ship that had been commissioned to do something impossible: combat a vortex of swirling water to go in a direction never before imagined. The ship was engineered like a space shuttle with scientists on board for this first experimental mission which required perfect timing with a coming tidal wave: launch directly into the wall of water until we dropped into an angry vortex.
The idea was that this vortex would whirl us around and spit us out in the complete opposite direction. You had to time it just right or everything would fail. It was a very dangerous and terrifying mission and I almost fell out several times.
So, yeah. Some stress.
I'll end this on a nice note though. I spent the weekend with the Cyclist and I'm starting to get that "cozy" sensation in his company, the one that accompanies familiarity. It's getting easier to be natural. I'm still shy around him sometimes. I was less shy in the beginning before I started to develop feelings.
The thing that seems to stress relationships are expectations. Once someone begins to think things should "be" a certain way, instead of accepting what IS. I want to accept what is. Our wonderful rapport. Tucking my head into his neck, curling into his chest and inhaling his wonderful scent, feeling peace. How could I not adore someone who treats me so sweetly?
Sean Penn said in a recent Rolling Stone magazine that all anyone really wants is to be loved. I don't know that everyone feels that way, but maybe in that vein, it won't be scary that I am beginning to adore this handsome, dark-haired man. I won't tell him now (although he might guess) but will instead put my arms around him and be happy. It is actually a wonderful feeling to care about someone and to feel very tender for their heart.