Monday, March 18, 2013

I hate bananas, being a terrible disappointment and wearing your granddad's clothes

Everything was great, until it wasn't.

This banana is disgusting. I hate bananas. Why did I buy one?? Now I have to go out into this sleeting mess and throw it out just so the horrid smell doesn't stink up my nice hotel room.

I'd just been taking out my paints when she asked me. I thought we'd play with watercolors after lunch. I was going to show her how neat it is when you let the colors drip off the brush and swirl around. I felt happy. I can paint with her, yay!

Oh god my face looks horrible from all that crying. 

I'm freewriting everything in my brain right now. Pouring it out.

So she said...

I wear your granddad's clothes...

You know what? It doesn't even matter what she said.

Picture that there is something so terrible about you that when the one person who is supposed to love you no matter what learns of it, her face crinkles up in revulsion and disgust. You make me sick.

She didn't verbalize that but it's what I saw. Shock. Revilement. Horror. I didn't raise you to be like this.* (*a failure in love)

I wonder if this is what it feels like to come out. You are tired of hiding. You feel safe. You let your guard down. I'm strong enough now, you think. I don't have to pretend anymore. You take off the cloak and breathe -- oh that wasn't so hard! -- and then suddenly in the mirror of their face you see yourself reflected and it's not pretty.

I'm gonna pop some tags...

Words are exchanged. It's a pretty civil "you're a fuckup" conversation, as far as these things go. The civility allows you to kiss her on the cheek on your way out and thank her for lunch. Your face is a mask of stone to hide the need to crinkle your face into ugly shapes.

Only got twenty dollars in my pocket...

Then you go and pick up the pieces of yourself, like every other fucking time you picked up the pieces of yourself, and march out the door and fucking rebuild yourself.

This is fucking awesome.

THRIFT SHOP (G rated Radio Edit Clean version) - MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS FEAT. WANZ from Garrett Wesley Gibbons on Vimeo.


  1. That sounds like a rough day.
    And sometimes, the mirror lies.

  2. Ugh. Sorry to hear it was such a rough day. Glad you could find the humor here at the end of it... Big hugs, lady!